Cross dressing and parent hood

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I've come to a point where there's no one I can talk to about this, but I desperately need to get it off my chest. I'm an aspie single mum, with a wonderful aspie son who's 13 and a half. The other day in the car he announced that he thought he might like to try cross dressing or transvestisism. My initial reaction was to stay cool calm and collected, and say - hey, that's no big deal, whatever works for you. Then he asked if we could stop at a pharmacy and buy some makeup. No problem, anything for my son. All of a sudden I was sucked into this maelstrom, I was helping him choose makeup, putting the nail polish on him, and going shopping for dresses. Quite frankly, I panicked. Besides the fact that shopping at the best of times is stressful for me, I felt that I was participating in something, that a mother just shouldn't. One half of me said - go for it son, it's your rules, your life, but the other half of me was wondering what other parents would do. I was wishing that he was more like me, and knew how to keep secrets. The more I thought about it, the more wrong what I'd done seemed. Perhaps there is something wrong? Perhaps he needs to talk this through with a psychiatrist. Perhaps I shouldn't be so accepting. What will happen in the future? Will he spend a life being ostracised and ridiculed for being different. So, as I said, I panicked and tried to have a deep and meaningful with him. How long have you been feeling this way. Do you want to be a girl, or do you just like the dressing up. Do you realise what other people think of this - it could be very difficult with your friends. Do you want to talk about it with anyone... You can imagine the conversation - two aspies, with low communication skills mumbling at each other. He told me it was just something that had occurred to him in the last week, that it was an experiment, that he probably wouldn't keep it up because it was embarassing. Now I'm worried that I've unbalanced him, by voicing my concerns. Oh dear, this is really doing my head in. I'm off to see the behavioural therapist tomorrow, and she's going to want to know what I've been up to, and I can't tell her, because she sees my son as well.
Sorry to offload, but I don't know where else to turn.

People try on social fashions like clothing and discard them in the same way.

Transvestism is a little more far-reaching than that.

OP, I don't think you should enable your son to do this or go along with it until you yourself have an understsanding of it. This isn't like trying a new style of clothes. Be warned!

It sounds to me like you're not really committed to "whatever works for you." He said that it was an experiment, that he probably wouldn't keep it up because it was embarassing. I don't think it's a big deal. I don't think it's a big deal that you got a little freaked out. I don't think it'll be a big deal to tell your therapist, if you're therapist is any good. I think other parents would be completely freaked out and totally unsupportive. Do you really think you want to be like other parents?

Never mind the right or wrongness of crossdressing, the morality of it. More important are the effects it has on people.

I guess, my major concern is balancing what I believe is right (he has a right to express himself however he feels), and the niggling concern of what a 'proper' parent should do. Am I doing the right thing, or am I setting him on a path of social destruction?

I'd say you are setting him on a path of social destruction. I'm sorry, but there it is.

Social distruction?

How about letting him at least explore his feelings in private. If he is drawn to "crossdressing" in any long term way, then consider therapy for him to further explore those feelings and urges, and how to deal with them in his life.

What Mr. Mark suggested is a very good idea. Maybe you need to work out your own feelings around it with a therapist. It would be a good way to effectively deal with the issue and learn how to communicate with your son about it and help him find effective ways of dealing with these issues that don't put him in a vulnerable or unsafe position.

In the end, you are his parent, and not anyone else. What anyone else thinks is proper is not important-but what you think is proper.

The odds are he is just playing-exploring. But if he isn't and this is part of something more permanent, how you respond will affect how he deals with these feelings immensely. The fact he told you says much about your relationship with him already-he trusts you. The fact you're freaking out-you need support and a sounding board to figure out what you're going to do.

Good luck. He's talking to you-and that's half the battle.

Metta and karuna, Rjaye.

I would think twice about going to a therapist, unless the therapist was very familiar with how people with Asperger's think and feel, and genuinely had your son's interest in mind. Other therapists are likely to make your son feel even more confused and/or mislead him, not help him. The same applies to you if you are seeing a therapist.

Also, I'm wondering whether your son's Asperger-related difficulties are causing him to think he would be happier if he was someone else - in this instance, a girl. Maybe he realizes that his problems stem from something that is part of what he is, but he doesn't understand from what, and he thinks his maleness is the issue.

Therapy is inherently bad, is it?

Therapy? For experimenting a bit with makeup and chatting about cross-dressing?

Blimey! That's a bit extreme.

I'd say it's fairly normal, and it's wonderful that you and your son feel able to talk to one another about such things (albeit you feel you stumbled through it).

Does your son hang out in an emo crowd? What music does he listen to?

There's the Marilyn Manson type effect that goth/emos will try to emulate in terms of experimenting with or even making a habit of wearing makeup. Going through such a normal teenage angst phase hardly merits sending the boy to a therapist and making him anxious and feeling 'wrong'.

Chat to him about role models, where is he getting this idea from? Is it an emo/goth thing? Has he seen other boys do the same, teenagers in your town, images on MTV or in magazines or whatever? Is he trying to find a style for himself that he feels comfortable with?

In the 1980s when I was growing up in the UK, there was the whole new romantic thing, with members of bands like Duran Duran and Soft Cell and Human League and Adam Ant and Culture Club's Boy George wearing the most outrageous outfits and makeup, and lots of boys copied suit and while they didn't go to the same flamboyant extremes, they wore a bit of eyeliner and nail varnish and so on. Fashion moved on, and so did they. No harm done. Although they might be traumatised if they look back at old photos in the family album!

In some cultures it's totally normal, like in the far east. In the middle east men wear a dishdash/thobe that's like a really long full sleeved white 'dress'.

Does your son have any influences like this in his life?

And then you get the more transvetitey cross-dressing, Lily Savage and Lee Bowery and so on.

And then you get guys who are more metrosexual who are comfortable with experimenting with their wardrobe. Even David Beckham famously wore a sarong. And then you get people who are just one offs, who seem to do as they please in just a non-conformist sense (as opposed to conforming with an emo/goth or new-romantic fashion, or complying with cultural traditions). I have a huge crush on Eddie Izzard, the comedian. I guess it's easier to carry off such an eccentric attitude though when you don't have to run the gauntlet of high school bullies or have to hold down a 9-5 job in an insurance company office.

It might be a passing phase, related to fashion or whatever, it might not be a fleeting phase, but might be more integral to your son's character, he may be a little more eccentric than most in that regard, but that doesn't make it wrong.

Or it may be that it's related to some other issue, full on transvetite cross-dressing (as opposed to a bit of experimentation), or it could be related to sexuality or transgender issues.

If it is the latter, then I think that only by giving your son some initial time to experiment with his ideas and to be able to talk to you about it without fear of reprimand or ridicule is going to give your son the confidence to work through these issues. If it is something deeper that's more of a serious issue, then this will become apparent and it would be right at that stage to think about referring your son to a therapist, not because there's anything wrong with him, but because he may be conflicted and confused and may need to talk to someone who's independent and who has professional experience in this area.

I certainly wouldn't be worrying about it for now, I'd continue to give him space to find out who he is but let him know that you're there to answer questions or support him in any way.

Wasnt it males that orginally had skirts, purses and long hair?

Maybe during the European Renaissance, but that is not the issue here.

I'm worse off for the therapy I had as a child. One lady knew I was seeing her because I attempted suicide after my dad hit me. So what did she do when i stopped talking to her after she let me know she thought I was a liar - she dragged my dad so he could see how I wasn't cooperating, and very clearly wanted him to punish me for it.

I brought this up to a therapist I saw last year. She agreed that no one in their right mind should have even considered bringing my dad in given the circumstances

Bah. If cross-dressing is something that he really wants to do, it's going to happen, and it'll be a problem. It'll be less of a problem if the problems with it don't originate from you, though.

Statistically, it's so frickin' normal it's silly, anyway. Last I read about it, nearly 20% of ordinary, heterosexual, not transsexual, American males like to dress up in women's clothes or wear girl's underwear on a regular basis. Generally in private.

No reason to freak out about it, or freak him out about it.