can't breath

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i'm 31, i'm a single parent of two currently but i have 3 kids.. AS makes sense to me yet i am undiagnosed.. my son also shares autistic symptoms (the functional type) and is enrolled recently in a special ed course.. i've been on wellfare since last July and have gone to community college. My goal is to Master in Psychology. My kids are out of school and I really need to get a job soon. I'm dealing with all these appointments with welfare, school, and future school ambitioins..

I have a hard time doing anything when my kids are home.. Just their presence overwhelms me, 8 yr old boy, 6 yr old girl, I've been obsessed with reading as much as i can about AS and have a lot of opinions about it and sympathy for those who have it and are accused of not having it. It's brought relief to me, to be able to put some intelligent thought to explain so many of my behaviors.

Anyways as I said, I'm on welfare and really desire to Master in Psychology and though I got the CalGrant I have a process to endure to change an F, I got last semester in: get this "Interpersonal Communication" I find that hilarious now. Fall semester i got 3.65 GPA this last semester i got 1.6 because of that F which was because i decided to drop it to late.. so i have to jump through a coulple of hoops to change it.. I have a lot of unpaid bills and a 48 hour notice for PG&E..

My head feels fool and I can't bring myself to call anyone for any kind of assistance to help me with this.. can you relate..

Some symptoms i have is not being able to turn my brain off for nothing, i'm plauged by thinking.. From the time i wake up, all my life... I am on Prozac too for last 3 months.. it does help with obsessive thinking but lately my symptoms seem to be more physical... yoga also helps with muscle tension...

For so many years i felt like a wreck and people trip out on me and ask why i can't just relax and stop yelling and now I realize it was all the overload... I can't wait to do a dissertation on AS but I worry about my future because of how very easy I get overloaded..

I'd like for there to be more help with this and it doesn't help that ppl think that ppl are using AS for an excuse to stay sitting on their fat a@#'s and receive governmental support... I can't stand feeling the way i do and i have a lot of ideas and things i want to do and i feel in bondage to this...

So i have this bondage and 2 kids who rely on me taking care of them and i feel so overwhelmed and helpless and every effort to get help seems $$$costly or to many steps to take and then pple get mad at me because i have these two beautiful kids who should be motivation enough but they just don't get it... I love my kids more than anything but then i get frightened at the thought of losing them because i can't keep up!

I'm pretty intelligent and articulate and can work on things in the moment but forget things and that seems to be getting worse too. I've got too many issues to even mention but the main thing is finding ways to support myself and these children, to not lose our house that we are renting for very cheap and to not get my pg&e turned off tomarrow..

I desperately want to see my counselor who's been helpful and i've yet to bring up the AS thing but i can't afford to see her... I live in the foothills and it's a drive anywhere... My head throbs all the time and i'm a pretty petite athletic built, i'm not afraid of work, but i get a lot of bouts of tiredness and i can't remember the simpleist of tasks, which makes me nervous about the job thing...

I guess i'm kinda just venting because i'm so grateful i found this community and it's given me a bit of hope...

Thanks

Welcome to Wrong Planet! I've been writing and deleting and rewriting -l'm not feeling particularly wise right now. Let me just say you will find useful and thoughtful input from the other people here. Take a deep breath

Hello sugarmamma! welcome home

Merle

I am leaving wrong planet

for definete

Hi Sugarmama,
I feel exactly the same way as you do. I am diagnosed AS, it hasn't made life any easier for me by being diagnosed. I know there are several stages people go through with diagnosis, there could first be denial, then acceptance followed by a sence of, ahh thats why I feel like I do. But after a while you find youself back at the begining feeling alone and unable to reach out for help.

I have 2 kids 6 & 7 yo, my boy is autistic and I have been seperated for 18 months. I just get so overloaded by everyday life that I feel completely exhausted and even though I have plenty of goals in life I'd like to achieve, there just doesn't seem to be enough kick left in me to do anything. I feel that when I have my kids, I know I love them and want to do my best for them but I still can't cope with everything. My brain just constantly causes me pain because it wont stop thinking and drugs don't really work or the side effects are worse than the cure.

Sorry that I could not add any positive imput to your post. I guess I should post a blab somewhere else on this site.

Sugarmamma,

Thanks for sharing your situation. I'm new to Wrong Planet myself, but welcome!

I can only say that raising kids is one of the hardest things a person can do. And you are not alone in your feelings of being overwhelmed.

Reading the posts here has convinced me that it is impossible to describe the isolated feelings of being AS in a way NTs can understand.

Is there a way to find something to laugh at for a couple of hours everyday (or even a few minutes)? What about YouTube? There are excerpts of movies that you can watch, episodes of shows like Seinfeld, etc., music. When I am feeling overloaded this summer with the needs of my two kids (13 and I go to the computer and watch Dire Straits for as long as they let me, or the Beatles. You may hate this music, but the point is to give yourself a non-drug dose of euphoria or joy.