Thought on me

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I still don't know if I would ever have have been diagnosable with any of the (current) spectrum disorders, if someone had thought to look, and if said disorders existed at the appropriate time in my life. But, I'm now thinking, there should be a disorder that, maybe not currently, but that would have covered me. Or, I should say, an austism spectrum disorder. (Borderline Personality Disorder might have fit me, but, there's not a generally recognized connection or relationship between that and the autism spectrum.)

I'm really beginning to understand how much autism spectrum traits are a part of me, and have affected my life and my social world (or, at times in the past, lack there of).

I've a friend, who's also a music performer (singer-songwriter) who I see perform regularly. Over the past 6 years since I've known him, both in my intereacting with him, and in his openness in talking about himself when performing, he's been such a help. An example, and sometimes a mentor, and someone who I've totally trusted that he truly likes me and accepts me as I am. Someone who's conveyed that in a way that I really got it.

Well, it came up between us that it took our friendship a while to develop. Particularly on my part.

I really liked something he said, though. He said, "you have a unique rhythm of communication".

It was an email exchange that started from a comment of his when he was on stage. And, at first, I felt very exposed from what he wrote. Feeling like he'd seen that part of me that, well, that I've learned to expect to be unacceptable, and tend to see as socially unacceptable.

But, what I really came to see and understand was, he, in that email, was totally accepting of me as I am, just as he always has been in the past. And he didn't need any explanation. What a gift that is, for me.

The whole thing did, though, make me look at myself, and see how this really is a part of who I am, and not a bad thing. Others' lack of acceptance doesn't make it bad. The lack of guidance I got, as far as emotional learning, which basically comes out of being different, that doesn't make it a bad thing.

I am who I am, and that's okay. And maybe I shouldn't be afraid of people learning how for so long at had almost no friends, no social life. My friends, after all, can accept that I am different.

It sounds to me like you have in this man the kind of friend few of us might ever find!

Congrats.

Yeah, it's a pretty special friendship.

That's not what this thread is meant to be about, though.

It's about understanding who I am, and how I fit into the world. Yes, I have traits that make me different, and that some people don't accept when they see them. But it's okay to have those traits, and some people do accept them.