Why do lovers say horrible things?

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In 3 relationships the guys said exactly the same horrible things to me along the theme of me deserving to be hit and sworn at. Only one however was actually violent.

when I terminated the relationship all of them were very sad and made it clear they did not want the relationship ended. But then why would they say such horrid things and obviously dislike me, why would someone want a relationship with someone they so clearly disliked.

I dont understand why they would do that and want to understand where they are comming from.

I think if someone does not like someone they should finnish with them not tell them they ought to be hit (or actually hit them). I dont understand why these guys would say that.

They all would appologise later for saying mean things and say they didnt mean them, but I think it is never ok to tell someone they deserve to be hit or treated badly. Surely if you love someone you want to make them feel happy and secure.

any answers wellcome

I agree with you completely Lotusblossum! Those guys deserved to be dumped, even if they were angry when they said those things and regretted it later; you have to look after your own safety first!

Nobody likes a break-up; some people are so afraid of being alone that they will stick with someone who is clearly not compatible and try and change them instead. When things still don't seem to be going the right way, they'll get more and more angry and frustrated. I think that may be what happened in this case. They may never have thought that you had the power to turn around and dump their asses!

Maybe they did love you; their behaviour may just have been something they grew up watching and believing was ok... that does not mean you should stick around though! Whatever you do, don't take them back!

yes maybe it is because they are afraid of being alone.

I just want to understand so much. I would not want to be with someone I did not like so I cant understand why other people would.

Im glad you also think its not ok behaviour, as sometimes I wonder if I am very unreasonable in thinking that sort of thing is unacceptable.

Thank you Lene

It seems clear enough to me that these guys were displaying abusive behaviour. It's not a case of them caring or not caring, it's about power. These guys seem to me to be bad news and people to avoid.


You're totally correct in saying 'if you love someone you want to make them feel happy and secure'. In a healthy relationship both sides want to help the other person and themselves to be secure and happy. There are arguments in healthy relationships but insults and threats have no place in the arguments.

I suggest that you take a confidence course so that you appear more assertive and confident.

Im very assertive and confident. I also can be stroppy and difficult.

I understand that it is an abusive style of interacting but I want to understand why they would want to be like that.

I think that some men feel imasculated by strong women and then assert their dominance in a 'poor' fashion but I still dont understand why they would want to be like that. They all knew what I was like before they became involved with me so if they felt thretened by my character or did not like me they should not have got involved with me.

I dont understand why they would want to continue a relationship which was obviously so distressing to all involved. and if they did want to continue the relationship why say things which would obviously cause someone to terminate it.

Perhaps it is a mixture of power as you say, and fear of being alone and wanting to change people as Lene says, coupled with poor judgment and lack of self awareness.

People in loving relationships do not say such horrid things. People in abusive relationships, however, could be on the receiving end of such hateful words. I've been in your shoes, LB and it's a terrible place to be.

It doesn't really matter why they say what they do, because it's nearly impossible to understand the mind of person who feels the need to disrespect those they supposedly love in order to feel better about themselves. It's usually a mix of fear, lack of self-esteem, wanting power, feeling threatened, making poor choices, and a good dose of baggage from their past.

What I do think is important for you to think about is why you're drawn to men like this in the first place. You have a history of choosing men with a similar pattern and that's not healthy. A lot of times it's because somewhere deep down the woman feels that this is all she deserves. And if you haven't experienced the beauty of a loving relationship that makes you feel really good about yourself then you have nothing to really compare it too.

But I can tell you, they're two drastically different things. Lovers can be beautiful and supportive and enlightening and help bring out the best in you. Those are the people you cherish. Along the journey it's good to get yourself some counselling on why you're drawn to abusive men, and to work on your own communication style. In the end, it only benefits you.

No one, male or female, deserves to be hit, to be ridiculed, to be made feel that they're worthless or less than someone else. That is never okay. And when you're in the thick of it, sometimes it's hard to see that. It took years and years of counselling for me to understand that myself.

hugs to you, LB.

Thanks CelticGoddess *hugs*

yes I want to stop it happening again which is why I want to understand it. I think I probably did not know them well enough before getting involved with them and beleived what they told me about them. Because Im very honest and 'what you see is what you get' I tend to assume others are too (which their not!).

I think if I had another relationship I would get to know them for a long time before becoming involved with them as then I could see more easily if they liked my kids (rather than just pretending to for the first few visits) and that they liked me (rather than pretending to to get in my pants).

For a long time I thought I must do something to people to bring out the abuser in them as all the people seemed nice to start with, but now I think I was just not good at 'reading' them and too forgiveing and accepting of people.

I was alone for 8 years after my last relationship because I did not want to experience that sort of thing again. It has really hurt me and made me feel bad about myself to step into another similar thing (tho it was only a brief 4 month relationship). I would definately rather be alone than go through this sort of stuff.

I think the internet is not a good way of meeting partners as I get emotionally involved with them before I know them trully, I think it would be a better stratagy to be RL friends for a good long while first.

I would agree with you on the reasons why some people are like this. There are many reasons, sometimes the reason is that the person is a mean or cruel sort by nature, and sometimes they have some baggage that makes them be bad. With whatever reason, this behaviour should not be tolerated from anyone. I concur with CelticGoddess's answer as regards this.



Although my advice was about appearing more confident, some of us Aspies project body language that doesn't match our internal feelings and thoughts. I also agree with CelticGoddess again because I think that finding out why you have been attracted to this behaviour type is exceedingly good idea as well.

Also, I don't think that they were threatened by your character. Their perception might have been totally different, and sometimes an abusive person has a perception that has no relationship to the real you at all.

Thanks again LostAlien

I have had extensive therapy and was really not expecting to experience nastyness in relationships again. I think 'my attraction' has more to do with niaveity and poor reading of people than for example some desire to be punished. My therapist said most women experience abusive men at some point and that there is alot of it out there and that its very hard to prevent meeting someone like that as they pretend to be someone they are not. She said I was probably vulnerable because of my AS and that I was so used to being told by people that I was doing things wrong (because of AS) that I would not have noticed a problem soon enough. I think its hard for people with AS to tell when they are in the right and when others are in the right as our perceptions of what is appropriate is often different to others.

I have had more boyfriends who were not horrible than ones who were, its just that its the ones who are horrible that I have an 'issue' with. The ones who were not horrible did not think badly of me and liked me as a person and I definately liked those relationships better but they did not work out for other reasons.

I also asked several friends who knew the person what they thought of me dating him and they all said he was lovely and kind and gentle so they obviously did not have better judgement than me either.

I think what Lene said about people not wanting to be alone and thinking they can change you is most relevent as I think if he had waited for a different girlfriend he might not have been so nasty as they would have been more compatable.

I just wish people would not go out with me if they did not like me

It becomes a much bigger issue when you have children involved. As a rule for myself, no one meets my kids unless it's long term serious. My kids don't need to become involved or feel attached to someone who may not be around very long. That's a strict rule for me. If I'm going to meet someone, they're not present. What I do in my personal life is my business until I decide otherwise. I think it's good to protect them from a the revolving door effect that can occur when there are people coming and going. They learn so much from watching and listening and the only people i want my kids to learn from, are the ones who bring something positive to my life, and eventually to theirs.

I think it would be wise for you to separate the two. I bought a really great book last week that I would highly reccommend you read. It's called

What I Know Now: Letters To My Younger Self

It's only around $12 but it has been life changing for me. So many valuable life lessons from women of power of have lived through hard times and what they know now, that they could tell their younger selves. There's one in particular about being okay with being alone. Spoke volumes to me. It's a few years old so you might be able to get it at the library.

yes that had been my previous plan but it did not work out ok as everything was fine before they met my kids and so it was actually worse. As I had an emotional attactment and was involved with them before I found out they did not like my kids. Also my kids got attached to them before I found out they did not like them. This is something one could only find out by them meeting the kids. and it was supposed to be a long term serious relationship, I had been alone for 8 years and I did not give that up lightly.

Where as if I be friends first and they meet my kids I can see if they get on with out having emotional attachment (for all of us). Its ok for a mum to have friends and I think most people would think it normal for their friends to meet their kids.

I will look up that book

have you read louise hay and susan jeffers as I think you would like them alot (esp susan jeffers)

One thing no one's mentioned that I think is important.

Liking someone isn't a simple yes or no. It's complex. One may like something about someone, and not like other things about them. Additionally, one can like someone or something in a respectful way, or in a disrespectful way.

Saying those things to you doesn't mean they don't like you. It means they aren't interested in (or don't know how to have) a healthy relationship with you.

The question is, how you can you develop your own healthy relationship skills, including how to respond to disrespectful and unkind treatment.

and we had chatted online for 6 months before we started dating, he was nothing but supportive and kind. He had all the same interests as me and the same values, there was no way I would have guessed that things would turn out how they did, I really thought we were 'soul mates' and he was 'the one'.

thanks Mysty

How would you suggest I respond to disrespectful and unkind treatment (apart from terminating the relationship which is what I did).

I wish I could say something helpful, but I'm no closer to understanding this than you are.
I've been in this position so many times before that I'm afraid to try in case I end up there again. All I can say is... people just do. It's their way to be like this. It's not nice, but it's just what happens when they're... I don't know. Stressed? Frustrated? In one case that I really wish I didn't recall, just plain manipulative and nasty.

Right now I'm starting to think it's better to have friends, and a good life. Relationships just seem to be painful and take all the joy out of life eventually.