Page 1 of 1 [ 12 posts ] 

Frosty
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 160
Location: Twentytwo inches in front monitor.

30 Sep 2009, 1:50 pm

Sorry for not posting often - I just usually lurk.

But I feel like posting this. I left my wife after 27 yrs then we moved back in together but I fail to see it working out. She had tons of control issues and I was very unhappy. Now I am faking it until I can get on my feet again and get financially in better shape. I feel like a snake for doing it this way but have no choice.

I have lots of support from work and others, (Pub) and misc pals. I slowly see her trying to start the control freak measures again - so I think it is hoeless.

This is a very stressful time but also the freedom is unreal - I feel like 95% of my stress has lifted and my job is not the PRIMARY cause of my stress.

The funny part is I will have to Alimony for the rest of my life to the tune of 40% of my adjusted Gross Income - but I will figure out how to live with it. I have new friends now and actually breaking totally our of my shell and I am amazed at the feeling of bondage and oppression I was under.

She had slowly just erased any freedom or choices I had and then I think we both verbally abused each other - but I don't know if she really, really sees herself the way she is or not?

Well thanks for the vent.

Frosty


_________________
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
-Sir Winston Churchill


Stinkypuppy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Oct 2006
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,554

30 Sep 2009, 2:28 pm

I know you're just venting, but seriously... since you claim at least twice that you have lots of support from others and new friends around you, go get your support from them and NOT from your (ex?)-wife. You're flat-out using her. It's not her fault that she has control issues, and she probably doesn't see herself as controlling. If you think it's so freeing not to be under her control, then use that freedom to stand on your own two feet like a responsible individual.


_________________
Won't you help a poor little puppy?


Zsazsa
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,041
Location: Upstate New York, USA

30 Sep 2009, 3:29 pm

The best thing you can do for yourself is move on and turn to others in your life for the support you need.

In my area of the USA, a local police detective just murdered his wife by stabbing her to death and then, stabbed himself to death...all because his wife had filed for divorce. To add further to this tragedy, their bodies were discovered late in the afternoon when their nine year old son returned home from school...and he was the one who had to call 911.

Obviously, this father of four, a police detective was in such a rage over his domestic troubles that he subjected his young son
to the horrors of discovering his mother's murdered body and his father bleeding to death., a memory he must live with forever.

Be thankful you got out of a difficult marriage before things could possibly turn ugly!



Greentea
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2007
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,745
Location: Middle East

30 Sep 2009, 3:33 pm

Wow! I hadn't thought of it that way, but well said, I think. On the other hand, if I could use one of the people who've treated me like s**t and used me for decades, taking advantage of my autistic naivete, such as my siblings, I would, no doubt. I'm just hopeless at faking for any length of time over 2 hours. But my siblings totally deserve it. So I don't know in this case...

And btw, I can't get over how beautiful that photo is.


_________________
So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur.


Greentea
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2007
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,745
Location: Middle East

30 Sep 2009, 3:35 pm

Zsazsa, that's true too. It could be risky.


_________________
So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur.


Stinkypuppy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Oct 2006
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,554

30 Sep 2009, 3:59 pm

Greentea wrote:
Wow! I hadn't thought of it that way, but well said, I think. On the other hand, if I could use one of the people who've treated me like sh** and used me for decades, taking advantage of my autistic naivete, such as my siblings, I would, no doubt. I'm just hopeless at faking for any length of time over 2 hours. But my siblings totally deserve it. So I don't know in this case...

And btw, I can't get over how beautiful that photo is.

I definitely don't fault Frosty or you for the thoughts about using people who've been controlling and abusive, but it's a sentiment that we have to be really careful about carrying out. In all cases of abuse and control, there is always an element of power involved, where somebody is holding power over another. While we can try to use those people who once held power over us, as long as we insist on using those people, in a way those people are still holding power over us because we are so bent on exacting revenge on them that we're still highly dependent on them. For example, even though Frosty claims freedom, it is obvious that he is still under strong influence and control from his (ex?)-wife, due to his extreme dependence on her to help him out of a financial mess. He is using her, but also is highly dependent on her.

The only way we can ever really break those chains that once bound us and finally be free of such control and abuse, is if we learn to stand on our own feet and live our lives without any influence whatsoever from the people who had controlled us.

Puppy appreciates the photo compliment! :D


_________________
Won't you help a poor little puppy?


Greentea
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2007
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,745
Location: Middle East

30 Sep 2009, 4:12 pm

Very wise words indeed...


_________________
So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur.


Trwn
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 14 Aug 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 39

30 Sep 2009, 5:25 pm

Quote:
You're flat-out using her


I agree with this


Besides, the whole thing is a sad question and a difficult one for giving advice. I would just say I was also once in a controlling relationship, which never came to that point but in which one could see the psychological effects of control and manipulation. I loved her. I unfortunately had to quit her. I wanted to come back, and it wasn't even possible, precisely because of the control question and requirements, I think, expected from me. And I tried I assure you.


So, be sure of your decision. But if you are already doubting, be fair enough to communicate it to her.



Frosty
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 160
Location: Twentytwo inches in front monitor.

05 Oct 2009, 5:26 pm

This emotional knee-jerk reaction posted her is exactly why I fail to post much and just lurk.

It is just not worth my time to reply and justify my actions - which by everyone I ask - 99.9% say I got scewed in this situation and will continue to get the shaft the rest of my life.


_________________
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
-Sir Winston Churchill


sartresue
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Dec 2007
Age: 70
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,313
Location: The Castle of Shock and Awe-tism

06 Oct 2009, 8:08 am

Frosty wrote:
This emotional knee-jerk reaction posted her is exactly why I fail to post much and just lurk.

It is just not worth my time to reply and justify my actions - which by everyone I ask - 99.9% say I got scewed in this situation and will continue to get the shaft the rest of my life.


Jerk need topic

I was in a messy situation like this for years. My sprendthrift ex-husband abused me financially and I desperately tried to control the money he was asking from me, but he would weasel it out anyway. I tried to make it work. He squandered 28.5 thousand dollars in three months. When he got this money I told him I would hang on to it and piece it out, in order to help him learn how to budget, but he never learned and then I was forced to use my 28.5 thousand (from the sale of our home, after I lost my job, and he still refused to work :evil: ) to financially support our family. Such money does not last when there is a spendthrift gambler. I finally left him before he could lay his hands on my disability money. The worst thing is that he set a bad example for the teen children we had together. :evil:

If you are being used, you need to leave a jerk like this.


_________________
Radiant Aspergian
Awe-Tistic Whirlwind

Phuture Phounder of the Philosophy Phactory

NOT a believer of Mystic Woo-Woo


Frosty
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 160
Location: Twentytwo inches in front monitor.

06 Oct 2009, 3:57 pm

Thanks for the post. I gotta say when I reposted it was pretty kneejerk myself as I was feeling PHYSICALLY ILL from the Winter’s let’s-kick-your-butt flu.
Okay it is impossible to put this in a succinct fashion – but I will try.
Picture someone doing 99% of the work – chores around the home – working 50 hrs plus a week and for some stupid odd reason getting $20.00 misc spending which had to be accounted for penny for penny.

Now this does not encompass the ongoing phychological abuse and mind games. Whcih included: guilt trips, put downs, being called and Autistic idiot and misc crap which I repeatedly put up with. Goodness knows why. Then came the verbal threats and promises of gun-play and blwing my caca away. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back – so to speak. And voila I move out for a month – she moved out of our house and I continued to pay the heat bills and tuilities and mortgage – so I moved back in and last week she moved back in and is all trying to work it out. Like I said I can’t afford my own place so I am stuck between a hard place and a rock.

This does not even count going into detail about the lack of real-time human compassion when I came down with pnuemonia a few yrs back and after yrs of being healthy got all raked over the coals for running up a dr bill and 911 visits. Well it was a sure lot cheaper than kicking the bucket eh?

And so it goes..........

So I am flat out using her – well at this point we both are – and because she is plotting her long range plans while I do the same until finances are ironed out. Seh used me for almost 27 yrs – so I use her for about 90 days – I feel pretty good about it.
As far as her knowing what she was doing – well no one but she will ever know – and even if she does even rcognize it – but I gave her dozens of warning signs, letters, messages phone calls and direct talks to let her know what was coming and she ignored all the warning signs.

Well have no more time for this post.

Adios folks.

F.


_________________
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
-Sir Winston Churchill


Stinkypuppy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Oct 2006
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,554

07 Oct 2009, 12:44 pm

Frosty wrote:
This emotional knee-jerk reaction posted her is exactly why I fail to post much and just lurk.

It is just not worth my time to reply and justify my actions - which by everyone I ask - 99.9% say I got scewed in this situation and will continue to get the shaft the rest of my life.

"Emotional knee-jerk reaction"? Just because you don't like the responses you got on your thread doesn't mean that they are "emotional knee-jerk".

I'm glad that you feel better and that you derive some sort of satisfaction from revenge, but that's considerably a lot more "emotional knee-jerk" than the responses you got here. Truthfully you aren't seeing the entire picture, because you are only engrossed with getting what you want and then justifying it with revenge, an "oh she screwed me so it's ok for me to screw her". Regardless of how you try to paint your situation any better, it does NOT change the underlying situation that you are still highly dependent on her, whether you like it or not, and despite the fact that you claim to have other means of support available, you insist on returning to her for your support instead of utilizing the other available support. My comment is hardly an emotional knee-jerk reaction, it's an understanding that control and power have two sides to it, and hopefully eventually you'll see the wisdom I'm trying to convey here. You're trying to flip your situation so that you are the aggressor and she is the victim and saying she deserves it, but in reality you are still playing the victim. You will ALWAYS be the victim as long as you are still dependent on her. That's not emotional knee-jerk, that's wisdom obtained from getting the hard knocks myself. If you don't believe me, that's fine, but you will find out for yourself eventually. Some people just have to learn the hard way.


_________________
Won't you help a poor little puppy?