Have aspie husband with sp. interest as job, creating probl.

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I'm new to this forum and didn't quite know which forum to post in but the other questions here fealt kind of the same so I'll give it a try.

My husband is an aspie and I guess I'm an Nt... if anyone is really Well anyways, a lot of things in life has been a lot easier since my husband selfdiagnosed a little while back. We understand a lot of our communication probems and are better at talking to eachother like I try to stay away from hidden agenda and say what I mean and that helps.
We are kind of getting to really know eachother after many years togeather and I'm falling even more in love and thats wonderful. He is the best man ever

We do have one huge obstical in our life that we don't seem able to deal with. My husbands special interest is computors so naturally that's his occupation, his passion his devotion. When it comes to sharing responsibility for home and children, we have four under 8 years of age, we just don't seem to manage.
If I'm ill and at home with 4 kids that are also ill, I call him and ask as plain as I can, "I'm ill, can you come home early".
He says "yes", sounding like he want's to kill me or just commit suicide rather than leaving and then....to my huge (NT brain) surprise he comes home a coupple of hours later than expected, even on a full day. Or he comes home and acts as if he "hates" me or is really angry.

If I'm even a few min. late from work on a day that he is home befor me, he is on the porch on the verge of calling the police, being all hysterical. But him being 2 hours late is nothing to him, he doesn't even call me, though I have asked for him to do so. He just says that someone needed help at work or that something like a computor needed his emergency attention

I have tried to talk about this, but he is blocked, all other topics he has started to be really open about, but not this.
The job is his life, and in our coutry sharing in responsibility for the family is paid for by the government so he and I both get 80% of pay to stay home if the kids are for inst. ill. But I'm starting to understand that money is never an issue for him, it's the job itself.

How do I approach this, I kind of wouldn't if it wasnt for the fact that I get overloaded with responsibility and also get a really bad rep. being "the substitute teacher that's "always" home with the kids" and striving to get a full time steady job, thats not a good thing.

What ways are there to talk about this, I have tried to tell him as plain as I can, but also I get a bit scared approaching the subject cause he always gets really upset.
I don't know if its just an "Nt thing" but I would really want him to want to care for me and it really hurts my feelings that he doesn't "seem" to care (to my Nt view of life).

Anyone with an insight or some advice?
I don't want arguments with him but an agreement as to how we should act when these situations occour so that both him and I know what to expect, but he seems blocked even towards that, when all other lifetopics have been solved that way the last coupple of months.

I understand your problem, however there might be other aspects you're not picking up on. As an Aspie, it's very easy for me to lose track of the time. I'll frequently have hours disappear without having a clue where they went. This is especially the case with special interests. I have to make a point of not engaging in them within so much time of an appointment, or I'll simply miss it.

There was one other thing which really stuck out for me, and that's the perception you're getting of when he comes home. For me, having a conversation with another person is akin to what a math test is like for normal people. After doing so many conversations over such a time period, I will feel completely drained.

It's very possible that he simply loses track of time, gets drained, and you're misreading it. I can't speak for his mind any more than you could speak for the mind of another NT, so you'll really have to open up a bit and ask him about it. These are just two suggestions that I feel might explain his habits.

(Also, just FYI, the quickest way to annoy an Aspie is to interrupt them while they're working. We can't throw our focus around very easily, so a simple distraction can be extremely stressful.)

I hope this doesn't sound mean or offend you so here it goes. I think you have to choose your battles. It sounds like the two of you have resolved a lot of things. This might be one that you have to let go of for now. Why in the world did the two of you have four kids if neither of you really want the resposibilty of caring for them?? I guess the question is neither here nor there because it is what it is. It's not like you can return one or two to the store. I guess the good news for you is that as the kids get older they will become more responsible for themselves and you will regain more and more of your personal freedom. You may just have to wait until the youngest is around 10 or 13 before you can start seriously persueing your own career. I truely wish you and your family the best. Besides, these are the most important years for you to be with your kids.

My husband is most likely AS, and I have had a very similar experience. Our communication is better, I don't take things personally anymore, I understand his anger and frustration and where it comes from. All in all, we are much better for it....that said:

I have exactly the same job issue. I have told him for years that he gives everything to his job and comes home with nothing left. It's very hard. I don't have 4 kids, but I was a stay home Mom with a part time job and most of the responsibilities of our family were mine, and that was fine then. I have recently started working full time, and I kept my part time job, and the responsibilites are still mine. He will help some, but he will only do what he wants to do, and you have to tell him everytime. He cuts the grass and takes out the trash and dishes a few times a week. (he who cooks does not do dishes, that rule was set up from day one) I do EVERYTHING else. Even the flowers and grass in the yard. He comes home, eats and sleeps and on his every other weekend off he does what HE needs to do.

I have come to realize that he NEEDS this job. It's not a priority issue, or who he cares about more, or whether or not he cares enough about me to change, he really NEEDS it. He was not able to articulate that, it was something I had to figure out. This may be why your husband gets so angry when you bring up his job. He knows that it hurts you, and what you need and he can't provide that and he is unable to tell you why. My husband loves me more than anything, I know that. He provides for his family, he works REALLY hard and although I make most of the decisions, he supports everything I want to do. I have learned to live with what I cannot change, and look at it from a different angle. This is probably a need for your husband, and it goes way beyond how he feels about you. I know it's hard for you to care for 4 kids, but if you can swing not working, don't, because it's going to make it harder for you and you don't want that kind of resentment if he doesn't help pick up the slack, which he probably won't.

Focus on the things that have been good for your relationship and try to work around this issue. Maybe you can come to some kind of understanding that will give both of you something you need. My husband sends me away for a weekend alone once in a while, he doesn't tell me I can't do something or go anywhere with my friends. I can travel to see my family without him giving me grief for going away and leaving him alone. (he HATES that) He does these things because I need that, and I agree not to complain about his job because he needs that.

You can work this out, you just have to approach it a different way, and only you can figure that out.

Hang in there! The previous poster was right, your kids will get older and more self sufficient, and they will grow up REALLY fast. Then you can work on your career. Right now, enjoy the time you spend with your kids, especially during the time they still want to hang with you. Once that's gone, it's gone.

*smile*
I just loved reading your post. Great after so many years to find ppl with "my life"
I also cut the grass *smile* I'm the only woman on the street to do so, but I see it as a statement, that is one of the great parts of life with my husband, we do everything togeather or he won't do it at all, besides the dishes which seems to be his "thing" too if I ask the neighbours wife how they built their new stairs she looks at me all chocked, cause she wasn't there while it happened, I would have been, the sharing is wonderful, but as you say, I am the engine of everything taking place and I guess in a way sometimes that's great, other times not so great.

I tried to be a stay at home mum, but after 6 years when we moved to a place where every one has a house, 2 kids and are both working I became very much alone, so much I had a huge depression, that was a time befor realizing about AS so we were close to divorce and I carried on arguing in the best way I could think of, driving my husband into a complete silence, not knowing why, making us both more lonely than ever.

That has changed as you know from my former post, but when I started working I saw that it did me good, I got ppl to talk to and interests of my own besides the family and that wasn't so bad and also it was good for the kids, cause there were no kids above age 1 at home in this entire community and so they were as alone as I was, often complaining about it, being used to having lot's of friends when we lived in the city.

I am not sad and I don't have second thoughts about my decition to work, that's not our problem, maby this semester when cause of the economic crisis they fired hundreds of teachers and the only job I could get was far away and fulltime, befor we had decided that I was to work parttime and that is my decition for the future.
Well anyways I'm wondering of in my thoughts here.

Sometimes I think that its a good thing I had a hard uppbringing, doing everything at home as a child caus I'm one of those who can go on doing things long after other ppl has stopped. But it is the lille childs voice within me who sometimes get's really sad that I still have to do everything, now that I'm away from the dysfunctional family I was brought up in. Then I think to myself, my mother let me do everything, but she told me she hated me from I was very young, now my husband who says he loves me has me doing everything for him... well I guess I feel sorry for myself sometimes a bit silly maby. But like this week when I'm really ill, alone with the kids and can barely stay awake from high fever then I get really sad when he goes of to work like everything is just fine. We have no family its just him and me and when we started our family we did share everything regarding the children, the change into me doing it all with the kids came later on.

I can see that my husband loves me, and I know that even if he has his little computer more or less attached to his lap he is never more than a few meters away from where I am, if I am by the computor, he is here with me, if I go downstairs to do the dishes, he and the laptop follows.

Maby you are right, maby I shouldn't interfear with his job, I also never knew that what C Dreamer wrote about not being able to have track of time while doing stuff, maby I have to high expectations of him. It just got me confused that he gets upset if I'm 5 min late but thinkgs 2 h with him is nothing This is all new to our family and I am happy to have found others that share some experiences.

Someone else wrote in a post that for every - in an nt/aspie relationship there is atleast one + that an nt/nt relationship doesn't have, and that's so true, life being wonderful started the day I meet him, so maby this work thing is a minor thing and I just didn't see it being so caught up in the change.

And also the country in which I live is very gender equality striving, so even the maternity time after you have a child is devided by law between the parents and with our first child my husband stayed home for 7 months taking care of her.
Later the IT industry crasched and he lost his job for a coupple of months and after that he just left homelife to me completely and maby its that also that made me confused.

Mommy Jones, do you ever get upset about being the engine to everything taking place. I have been thinking about this for some months now, caus in a way I'm happy to be able to take care of everything and then I think its a gift and a way of compleating eachother, but on the days where I feel more like we live in an equal society, he should be here taking equal part in this, then I feel like this is just really bad and I'm his new mother

Well did anything of this make any sense? It's confusing putting words to your thoughts that you haven't been able to share with anyone befor and also in another language.
It's not that we don't take care of the children, they are our life, it's just that he builds lego, watching films, playing ps2 with them, and I do the rest
And even if he want's to be here with them when they are ill, and when I am he gets really frustrated and upset when the rutine of work is messed with. And the question I had was more along the line of "how" do we talk about it....and maby I shouldn't right now then

Thank you all for your replies, as I said wonderful to be in a forum that understands both sides of this and are a bit more articulated about it than me and my husband has had the chance of becoming yet as this is all new to us.

Thank you all.

Yes, I absolutely get very tired of the person who drives everything. Some things I like to have control over, (money for example because that's important and I'm much better than he with that) but not everything. It's very frustrating. When I started working I told him he would have to help me. He said he would do anything. I told him I wanted him to feed the dog in the morning. It lasted 3 days, and then he did some days and not others. I explained to him that if I had to check on him to make sure it was done it wasn't helpful because I am still the one responsible for getting it done. If my son is sick he will take off work, but if he can't it's up to me to do it. I don't have the luxury that he has to just say "I can't do that" knowing that someone else will take care of it. That is what I sometimes resent. It must be nice. I also feel that if it's a "man's job" to make the money and the "woman's job" to clean the house and take care of the kids, if I'm bringing home money (which is his job) then he needs to share part of mine. It just doesn't work that way. We talk about this all the time.

This time of year particulary I get overwhelmed with responsibility. I deal with it better some days than others, but I know that I have a very happy husband and a very happy child because of all of the work that I do for my family. It's my job. It's a hard job, the hardest I have ever had, but also reaps the most rewards. I have never had a more fullfilling job in my life because my family is the most important thing in my life, and I know how valuable I am to the people that I love the most in this world.

All your feelings are totally natural, and you are the only person who can figure out what YOU need to help you with that, but you need to find a way to get at least some tome for you. Even if it's 15 minutes when you lock yourself in the bathroom. Rather than talking to your husband about his job, see if you can explain that you need some "me" time, however you do that, and he needs to schedule that in or you're going to go insane. You just have to plan it, and most of all, make it a priority. Everyone needs a break. It's nice to have some time where you can actually sit for 5 minutes knowing that nobody is going to ask something of you.

One more thing...my husband has that late thing too. If he's late, he doesn't think to call. If I'm late he immediately thinks I'm never coming home. He totally panics. I had to explain to him that I don't carry my cell phone and don't panic if I don't answer. That was a problem for a while. I made a point to wait to call him back just to make him used to it. As far as being late...I never give him a time I will be home. Maybe a range if he needs to know, but if he doesn't expect me home at 5:00, he won't panic at 5:01.

Feel free to PM me if you are feeling overwhelmed and need to talk to someone in the same boat. We have a tough job. We sometimes need to be reminded of that silver lining

I hope this doesn't come across as offensive, but if you're trying to find friends and people to talk to, there should be plenty of groups for small children. Simply getting the kids involved in some sort of activities would get you around other people, and I'm sure it would do both you and them a lot of good.

It might be worth asking around in your area, especially with other parents of young children.

C. Dreamer:
Oh I think you might have missunderstood what I wrote, well engl. isn't my first language I find it a bit difficult describing these quite complicated things

Well there are huge differences between countries and mine is built in a way with the laws so that ppl will put their children in kindergarden when they are about 1 year old. The law provides you with a sertain amount of days to stay at home and after that you loose all priveleges like if you get ill and so on, if you continue to stay home. Then when a teacher works fulltime that's still 5 days a week at a maximum 35/h a week and 12 weeks vaccation of every year so compared to other countries maby not quite fulltime. But anyways.

That is why I had a hard time meeting ppl at home with children, there simply were none of the same ages, just little babies, cause staying home for a little over 6 years as I did, kinda makes me really odd here in my country

Though that's not a problem anymore, when we realised that my husband has As we stopped argue then the "problems" went away and when they did we started talking again like we used to do and well I have my best friend in the world back and dont feel alone I was more describing what it was like a few years back and why getting a job then helped me out, back then we didn't know about AS and life was beond difficoult. Hard to describe though in few words so that will have to do

Thank you so much anyways for helping out.
I will have to try to work a little on my english, writing like this I way beond what they thought us in school

Yeah, that's me a few years ago.
Even now, I have problems putting my family first but my boss is now more in tune with my obsessions and he's quite clear about spending time with family.

In some ways, a quiet word with the boss might help. Maybe one day when your husband is ill and you have an excuse to call him in sick.... and talk to the boss at the same time?

If your husband is aspie, you might want to work out some rules...

eg: The working week is 36 hours but he wants to do 40?
Set the maximum at 45, some of which could be at home?
If he leaves early one day, then he needs to be allowed to make that time up on another day.

Then,... there's a protocol for "Emergency Calls".
You need to agree on an "emergency phrase" which means that everything else stops. Come home immediately.

do not overuse the phrase. do not cry wolf.

I know these rules sound strict but it's often what aspies need.

Good luck.

I am like your husband, I have a special interest in computer programming and it happens to be my job. You have to realise your fighting two battles here
1. The special interest
2. Self Esteem/Self worth. He is probably good at his job and needs to do it well too feel good about himself. Also he might feel (I feel this) that he has to over work and work long hours and be perfect at his job otherwise they won't forgive his aspie traits in his office.

Not sure how to solve the problem but consider the 2nd aspect when dealing with your husband. He's not neglecting his family just because of the special interest. There is more too it. Maybe telling him that you'd love and support him even if he lost the job would help. Also find out if they are bullying him into doing these things at work (they do it to me) and see if moving to a different company might be better.

What EnglishForAliens said. That's what I thought too, especially after learning that your husband lost a job after taking time off.

My husband and I are both in IT, I have AS and he has some AS and some NT traits. I lose track of time on special interests too, but I think there's more going on with your husband than that. My husband's job is really demanding. He's the only IT person who can fix most of the stuff at his building right now, because they fired the other one a few months ago. Since then, he often has to work late and there's nothing he can do about it, if he doesn't then people right up to the CEO will get upset and he rightfully fears that he could lose his job if he's unavailable one too many times. I don't know what else he can do except find another job, and in this economic times and his age, that isn't very likely. That's often the reality for Aspie IT geeks - the suits always think they can just find someone younger and cheaper to do our jobs, (even if they really couldn't) so we're afraid to push back too much about being overworked. I usually feel that I'm barely hanging on to my job as it is, because of my bad social skills.

It is possible mine is also AS. His work has taken over all life since he became self employed about 10 years ago. We have no weekends, public holidays, or any sort of holidays.....he justifies this by " someone has to do it". This i feel implies laziness on my part despite my not being able to work .

No point in trying to discuss it any more...... plenty of promises never kept.


You seem to be making some headway. Do you have weekends together and/or holidays?

If not it is a huge problem and I obviously don't have the answer.


All the best! If you have any tips I'd love to hear them.