A blow to my pride that keeps lasting.

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I have lived by myself for the last decade, for the most part.

From the time I was 20 until the time I was 25, I was making my own living. I was pulling in the big bucks, working a great job with excellent benefits, 50 hour weeks at $16 an hour, pulling out 150% production standards on the job night after night.

What have I become now?

SSDI is my primary source of income these days. It is enough to cover my bills, rent, utilities, Internet, and put food on my table.

I would love to work full-time again, but the reality is that good jobs with medical benefits are ridiculously hard to find these days. And I do need medical benefits, I don't want to risk losing my Medicare because (as crappy as it is) it's better than no coverage at all. Without my medications, I would be no good to anybody.

I somehow just can't shake the feeling that I am taking and taking from society, and not giving back enough, despite the fact that I do volunteer at several organizations, despite the fact that I am taking college courses to improve myself. It just feels a hell of a lot different than the days when I was making my own living.

I am 30 now, and I really hope that my life eventually amounts to something more than being parasitic. Heh.

So, that's how I feel about my existence at the present moment.

I remember when my husband and I were on foodstamps, one way I could live with myself was to think about how we would pay it all back in taxes in the future when our schooling was done. And boy, have we! So here's my absolution to you: I am paying for your temporary parasitism whilst you find a way to get back on your feet and you do the volunteer work I can't do right now.
I appreciate your attitude. My daughter with autism plus has decided that she wants to be a lady of leisure. I had hoped so that she would find some way to be a contribution to society, but she absolutely does not want to. And maybe she can't. She is non-verbal, so her behavior is all we have to go by. Your behavior strikes me as exemplary. I wish my son who has recently been crippled by a condition would do as much as you are.

Yeah. A part of me actually wants to start life as a FT student when the next quarter starts, so I can get that degree I want (still trying to decide which one - I've narrowed it down to a couple of choices, though) and open up more doors for me. A lot of my online friends seem to be very encouraging of that idea. They tell me that I am not being "parasitic" because I actually am taking steps to improve my life, building myself back up from the major schizophrenic meltdown I had six years ago, and contributing to those in need through my volunteer work. Their words make perfect sense to me, but sometimes the rational and what I feel inside really don't go hand in hand, so I still feel the way I do even though I know there is validity in the words of the people I care about. Strange how that works, isn't it?

I am not the kind of person who gets a lot of pleasure just from sitting around all of the time. I do enjoy doing non-productive things some of the time (hence my possession of a XBox 360), but if I also feel a strong drive to go out into the world and be as productive as I possibly can. If I don't do something productive on any given day, I feel as if it is a day not fully lived.

Your parents, your fellow aspies, and everyone else pays taxes so that people in your situation have a safety net and do not have to suffer. I think my taxes are going to good use if they are helping you pay for rent, buy food, and get health care. When I find myself out of work - I am going to utilize that safety net as well. If you can find a job - great. If not, there are many external factors for that such as the economy.

I feel the same way as the OP. I am on SSD, due to an auto immune illness, that limits how much I can do on any given day. I, too, used to make big bucks and great medical coverage. Having always been a goal oriented, type A person, it is hard to just sit around humoring my illness. But if I don't live inside the confines of this disease, I spend more time very sick, instead of just sick. Not much of a choice there, but at least I still have the choice. I hope that one day this illness will go into remission, and I can at least volunteer somewhere.

I have been in your situation kaworuchan42.

My feelings and thoughts ran similar. Major illness x2 played a part in keeping my work ability down. In these periods I did anything I could on a volunteer basis for community. When that wasn't possible cause i couldn't afford the petrol I took on keeping my street area clean, and beautified it.
I would wake up and 'go to work'...the attitude and process are the same as any type of work out there on the planet.

Like the others here have said, the safety net from having paid taxes is for everyone. Even if the system has flaws. Work is work. Visible/gainful, as far as the eyes can see.

No moralising intended/just recollecting my own inner journey on this topic.

Cheers

Like most of you I spent years working and paying taxes. Now I'm on a disability pension due to an autoimmune illness.
I don't feel guilty for taking a pension as I've done plenty of volunteer work as well as paying taxes. Also I never had children so that area of government spending on education etc. I have never used. I don't begrudge parents receiving the benefit of my taxes and would be offended if others were to begrudge me the financial assistance necessary to pay for expensive medication and bills.


I DO, HOWEVER, FEEL GUILTY AT NOT BEING ACTIVELY PRODUCTIVE!


Some of that is due to my high expectations of myself and want I want to achieve and the other part is due to the judgements of others. To the ignorant, who only SEE me on my better days ( but they don't realise that) , which are few and far between at the moment, I appear UNDAMAGED!

Pain, extreme fatigue and inability to think or concentrate on the simplest of tasks, are NON-OBSERVABLE and in the eyes of many, therefore do not exist. Hence I am seen as a malingerer. OH! What fun I always wanted to be that!! ! Especially when I was working fulltime, studying part time, looking after myself and managing at times to do volunteer work.

You think you deserve to suffer guilt for not being productive. How long do you deserve to suffer fir that- one day? one month? entire life? How long a sentence will you give yourself for this "crime"?

There's a book that helps you lessen feelings of guilt. It's called Feeling Good by Dr. Burn. It's a Cognitive Therapy workbook. Very useful. Call it a pocke therapist.

Thanks Boston Ma! Yep! I guess that I don't have to perpetuate the guilt thing. I tend to internalise what people around me imply, that is NTs living in the mainstream. I don't have much to do with them, or see them often, but those remarks cut deep, yet those B$%%^&*s actually know little about me. I realise that I'm very unwise to take on board their ignorant pronouncements.......when I'm feeling strong within myself I'm OK, but otherwise.....



Funny isn't it as there is no way I have a Protestant Work Ethic as am not and have never been a Protestant.....
The Guilt thing well..... there are to my knowledge 2 major ethni-religio cultures that have perfected this .....andI was brought up in one of the 2.

Thanks for pointing it out!

Once aware of things it is the battle half won.

Hey, if you liked my last post, it was almost a word for word quot from the CBT therapy book - Feeling Good by Dr. Burns. Check it out.

I know how you feel. Two years ago, I was working full time and making good money. Now I am unemployed and I don't even have medicare or SSDI. I do have unemployment though, I hate it.