Moving out for the first time?

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Okay, I didn't know where else to put this question and I figured this would be the best spot. I'm having a hard time finding work in my area as I don't have a car of my own and my mother will only take me so far. A friend offered me her spare room in her house, which is in a more populated area with more jobs. I'm a very good friend of hers and her husband likes me too. I just don't know how to bring it up with my mother. I don't want her to get upset but I don't see myself finding a job that I would be happy with in my area (or a job at all, there aren't a lot around here). I also feel that it would help me develop some independence. I had roommates before in college but this would be really different, I know. I wouldn't be that far from my mother so she could stop by if she wanted (it's a 40ish minute drive) so it's not that bad. I just don't know how to bring this up with her as she's really protective of me and she likes being in direct control of my life. Any ideas? How did you guys achieve your independence?

Just tell your mother the truth.--A friend who lives where there are more jobs has offered you the use of her spare room until you can get on your feet, so you will be moving on "INSERT DATE HERE". Then start packing. If your mom still gives you a hard time, just remind her that she can't always take you where you need to go, and when you need to go.

I spent most of my life living with relatives, and it was horrible. We all drove each other crazy. They couldn't handle my being different, and I couldn't handle their unmeetable expectations.

Around the time I finally qualified for assistance due to my other health problems, I was finally able to live alone. I don't ever want to live with anyone again. It was way too stressful. Living alone is far less stressful and more peaceful.

Yeah, I just feel that she'll get really upset and act like I'm betraying her or something. Then again I could ask if she would prefer that I move in together with my boyfriend instead. This would probably appear to be a better alternative to that. I'll talk to her about it sometime next week. Because if I did it now, she may not take me to the train station so I can get to a friend's bridal shower on Saturday. That and it'll give me more time to think about the right way to go about this. I was thinking of going with the, "the bird has to leave the nest" approach to it. I'll be 23 in July so I think that's high time to be living away from mother.

My mother kicked me out of her home about just over 14 years ago, after I had a meltdown in which she couldn't cope with.

I had a flat in the same neighbourhood as my mother for 14 years. I struggled with independent living mostly in part of having poor support. I only got my dx of AS 18 months ago. I had to move out in the beginning of this year due to harassment, in which I had in the old area for about 4 years.

Since Feb., I been renting a flat in a 185 year old Georgian terrace in the city centre. The house is a beautiful Grade II listed building plus am finally getting support with my independence issues.

Get your own place would be a great thing for you, tho your mother might not be a bit to happy about the set up with the place your planning on going to. Am only saying, this as I know friends who did the same. A couplet taking in a female logger. What happened next was the husband and the logger started having an affair. In the end the husband divorced his wife and married the logger. The pair of them ended up getting themseves an new house, the ex wife having to find a new place to live.

Um...I have a boyfriend already and her husband is not my type. Sooo no. >.>

She might not take it so hard since you are moving in with a couple and not your BF. Tell her you have to find work. The longer you are unemployed the less likely they hire you back. I've been out of work since fall of 2008 because jobs a scarce in my little town. Your being smart and stay strong. Good luck.

I don't know whether it would help or not, really, but maybe you could explain that you'd like to try living independently, with her support/advice.

This means your boats aren't burned if it doesn't work out (all sorts of things can go wrong when sharing a house with friends), it might help reassure your Mum if you acknowledge that the enterprise could be more difficult than you anticipated (this usually goes down well with parents, they kind of enjoy having more experience of life than you do), and you're also making it clear that there's still a role for your Mum in supporting your move into independent life (even if your plan is to reduce her input quite significantly after the first few weeks/months).

Good luck with your move, anyway – I'm sure nothing will go wrong, it's just that parents enjoy telling you that leaving home is harder than you think!

When I was 18, soon to be 19, I had a tantrum reaction to my dad being a bit more over-protective than I wanted. A co-worker and I (she was having the same issues with her own dad) went looking for an apartment one weekend, put down the deposit to move in the next weekend, and I told my parents on Wednesday I was moving out and why. It turned out well and good in the long run, but looking back, it was an awful decision the way that I went about exerting my independence.

I really hope your mom doesn't have that sort of betrayed guilt treatment reaction, but I think Moonpenny has some good advice regarding getting your mom on your side. Some parents send their kids packing and others have a hard time letting go. When it's the latter, you really have to spend more effort exerting your independence in order to get them to loosen the reigns. The tighter they hold on, the stronger their reactions to you pulling away tend to be. The more you can ease her into it, the better.

Oh thanks for reminding me of this thread guys. Yeah...it's not happening. Mom disapproved. *sigh* Oh well...maybe someday I'll achieve independence. >.<

Oh, memories. To begin with, you really are in a Catch - 22 situation. If you want to achieve true independence - than you need to understand that freedom is not free. That means that you must be willing and disciplined enough to make sacrafices - or you will be dependent on mom all of your life. To being with, you're going to need a car. To get the car you need money. To get the money you need to work. To move up in the work world, you must, like the rest of us, be willing to start off with the crap jobs first to gain some experience and a reputation for dependability so you can move up into better jobs later on in life. I didn't become a tax professional, and an Air Force officer overnight. I started my working career working in a tool and die company scrubbing office floors, washing windows, sweeping the factory floor, and cleaning machines. And that was 1 summer-time job that eventually was extended to 3 nights a week after school. In the meantime, I also worked in a fast-food joint for a second job during the summer - and this was all when I was 12. By the time I was 14, I was one of the guys actually running the machines - and making some good jing. I worked my way through college. I didn't pay for it using student loans - I paid for it with my blood, sweat,tears, and money. And when I joined the military, I started enlisted and worked my way up. And yeah, I had to clean latrines, dig foxholes, polish boots and run obsticle courses and shoot some very loud firearms. Pal, if this is your attitude, you'd last less than 2 seconds with me if I was your TAC officer in basic training. And having said that - I think the time has come for a good old fashioned military-style wake-up and smell the coffee chat (toned down a bit).

The time has come for you to take your thumb out of your mouth and be an adult. How childish can you get? I suppose you don't even relieve yourself without asking for mommy's permission. How do expect to be independent when you can't even stand up to your mother now that you're an adult? For crying out loud, grow a spine! You really need to join the military. It would turn you from a whining, whimpering child in an adult's body into an assertive adult real fast and what's more is you'd get paid for it! Good grief, no wonder the world is going to the dogs!

Longshanks

I got tossed out at 19.

I am applying for work and I have an interview for a warehouse job on Monday. I'm doing the best that I can. Even though I have a degree, it's harder to get started now than it used to be with the sh***y economy America is in. I have stood up to my mother on a couple things, like leaving the church as I no longer agree with it. She still tries to guilt me about it but it hasn't worked. Since my mom drives me everywhere I kinda need her permission to go places unless a friend nearby is going to do it. I can't move out on my own without a car so I'm working on it. I've also told my mom that I am moving in with my boyfriend when he gets an apartment, she doesn't like the idea but I told her it's my life and not hers. She doesn't like the idea of living with a man before you're married and I don't like the idea of getting married before getting to know what a person is like on a day-to-day basis. We haven't spoken of it since but I think she knows I'm not changing my mind anytime soon. Basically the rest of my family and his family is okay with it, my mom and grammy are the only ones with a problem with it. So in a democratic vote, I'll be living with my boyfriend when he gets an apartment sometime next year...pending on what happens in my career. If I'm just working in a warehouse or something like that, I'll up and move. If it's something more pertinent to my career, I may stay. Oh well, yaaay for possibilities.