My Plan - Advice?

Post Reply New Topic

Aw man I had this totally planned out in my head, and I forget the whole thing. Oh well...

My boyfriend and I are trying to make our plan work: He is in England and I am in Canada. We haven't seen each other for just over 4 months (which wasn't supposed to happen because I was supposed to go back after Christmas for a new job but that fell through ). Despite my parents --at least my mother-- disapproving of him (religion difference), I've had enough of her judging me for this and thinking she knows what's best for the situation. SO! Even though she won't allow him to stay at my/our/family's house, he and I are trying to arrange a hotel for him. We have this planned for mid-late August so it's still a while away. Sooooo he's going to fly over and I will transport him to his sleeping arrangements. He will be staying for a week or so. Clearly this does not impose upon my parents, well except for that I need to borrow their car for this....

What I am torn on is this: Do I need to tell them about this whole thing? I know I will have to ask to borrow the car, but do I need to say why? I don't know if they would be upset about this, like is this going over their heads by not consulting them? But this doesn't really involve them... Yet I feel they would be upset for some reason. This whole plan is just really something I/we feel we need to make happen.

Thank you.
My employers (who go to my church and therefore know my mother personally) think she is being too conservative on this, and told me "you [two] have to move ahead with your lives [together]. Your parents won't accept you until you find a way to show them you're serious." (And "your mother is a bit different... but we still like her." )

I know I have probably left off some vital details. Please inform.

Perhaps it should be noted that his parents totally approve of me and support the idea of him travelling here (he's younger than me, and so still lives at home... )

no one?

12 hours (overnight, US) isn't a lot of time for responses. I am moving your thread where it may get better attention. Tend to agree with advice you rec'd - your life, your decisions, need to establish that. Listen to others but know you don't have to bend to their whims either.


M.

I don't think that I am entirely qualified to give life advice in this regard, However for what it is worth

describing the plan that you have made may be a good way of doing this, although I would have a backup plan to deal with the response of 'well then, you cannot use our car'. This would all have to be non-confrontational, so for your sake I hope you are better at that than I am.

In the end it should be your decision over wither or not to inform them of your plan as well, however you are probably correct that they will feel offended if you don't.

people seem to get calmer if you let them feel that you have listened to and understood their advice (provided they stay rational), however the decision should stay yours

Thanks for moving it I kind of double-posted as almost a bump because I saw it was probably going to disappear off the first page, and then it would probably be never seen again.


Yeah I'll have to deal with that. Maybe borrow a neighbour's? But then that might make the neighbour sort of 'choose sides', which is silly. Poopcakes.


My mother is being rather rigid-minded about things; I haven't even attempted to mention him again, but she's all about "NO because I don't know him and don't want to get to know him because it won't work out anyway because [blah blah blah]..." How do you deal with rigid people? (I mean... she thinks running a red light is a sin... )

Sylvr, why not stay in a hotel or B&B with your boyfriend and visit your parents on a couple of days? That gives the pair of you more freedom to do what you want, without your parents being on top of you or knowing your every move.

As in, we stay in the same room? I personally am fine with that but my dear mother would assume bad things and never allow it. And I would be shamed for all eternity. As much as I don't appreciate my family's sheltering ways, I don't want to feel ashamed :S

Otherwise it sounds like a great idea. I will look into it, it depends how many rooms the B&Bs have and such. Wait... we don't need to stay in the same room! brilliant!

But still, I don't know if I am obligated to tell them or not...

If you're 21, I don't think you need to get your parents' permisson, though you should definitely let them, or a sibling know where you will be staying just in case something goes wrong.

Separate rooms sounds fine; I don't see why they would object too much. The alternative is that they offer to let him stay in the house. This sends out the message to them that they cannot control who you date.

If I were you, I would save up and put the deposit on the room before telling them your; they may try and cut off your allowance otherwise.

I'm torn. Side 1 - the less anyone knows about me and my activities the better. Side 2 : if parents in time find out and you did NOT notify, how will you handle that? Side 3 - do your patrents in general get and appreciate who you are, or nay? If they do, I would be the more inclined to speak.

I don't get allowance anymore.

A story twist! I had a visitor the other day; a friend from the church! She's not really a 'friend' since I don't really have those, but someone I feel really comfortable talking to. And she's friends with my parents. So since she's from Northern Ireland, she wanted to know more about my recent trip to/job in England. And the topic of my boyfriend came up. She volunteered her house for him to stay at! It's just her and her husband and their son, and apparently they have a room with a bed just sitting there. Perfect. Now I just have to make him realize it's not much of an imposition at all, PLUS they don't want any rent Bonus all around. I'm so glad that everyone I've talked to about this supports me.

And she recommended that I simply say to my parent(s) "I just wanted to let you know that [boyfriend] will be coming to Canada for a week. He will be staying at [those other people]'s house. So I'll probably want to be over there a bit...
Man that ending is lame.... But yeah!

Yay.

Step Two: He needs a passport!

If it were me, I would tell my parents the absolute truth. I would explain that they must trust me to live my life, and to trust what they have taught me to be right. It all comes down to whether or not they trust you, not whether they like your boyfriend.

Of course, I only lie for fun. "Tell the truth" is my standard answer.