new and desperately need advice on AS hubby

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I am sorry if this is not the right topic to post this in. If it is not then please point me in the right direction. I am very new to the forum thing. Forgive me too for such a long post.


Hello All!

I am 33yrs old, have 3 children and I am married to a man with Aspergers. Due to him being in the military it has been unofficially diagnosed. He feels he has Aspergers and our marriage therapists and his personal therapists support this.Both therapists are specialized in AS.He only saw his for 6 sessions as this is all he could do without it being on his record and it was more for a sexual predator assessment. Therapists though have stated they will not see him anymore because of the lies and the lack of effort. Although he believes he has it he does nothing to overcome any difficulties that arise in our marriage. I have researched everything and everywhere I can to try and understand and support this man. I have given so much of myself that I do not know who I am anymore. I have been with him since I was 16 and he was 21. I always knew that there were some "oddities" in him and some traits that I did not understand, I just figured we are all unique. After we got married I feel as though he became a different person. He is very uncaring, very obsessive with what I call the "flavor of the month", very self centered, stubborn, and just blind to anything or anyone that doesn't revolve around him. I have tried to give him his solitary time. I have tried to understand the obsessive drive he gets into. I support what his passions might be. I have even tried to take on his obsessions just so he would pay attention to me. I am just so lost right now and do not know where to turn. I do not know if this is the right place or not, so forgive me if its not as I am very new to the forum thing. In my 17yrs with this man he has lied over and over again, he manipulates everything to get what he wants and he will tell himself whatever he needs to too make it ok to do hurtful things. He spent 2yrs convincing me that i was delusional and hallucinating and needed meds so he would not have to admit that he was addicted to child porn and masturbating. I have suffered untold amounts of emotional, mental and verbal abuse from him. It hasn't been til the last year that he has started to admit that he did do these things but that it was ok because he just couldnt admit there was something "wrong" with him. I love this man very much, unfortunately I am not in love with him or should I say I am afraid to be in love with him. He promises so many things, so many times, that he will put forth the effort to try to better meet my needs and then he never does anything. I can not rely on him, I do not trust him and I am so very angry with him. Even through all of this though I want our marriage to work. I want to understand him. I try so hard but he tries so very little and when I get hurt by that he gets very angry with me and very frustrated. I tell him in very basic non-general terms what I need emotionally and what I expect in a marriage in a partnership. I have tried several different communications with him from writing to emailing to chat to talking to even drawing pictures. I am not saying I am perfect because I have made many mistakes myself and before i understood or even knew of AS I could be brutal verbally. It seemed to be the only way to get through to him. I was hurt and called names. It was wrong and childish and I have recognized that and stopped it.I understand that due to that he may fear talking to me but I have tried to show him i made a mistake and that he will be safe talking with me. What am I doing wrong? Is there any hope? I do not want this man to change as we are all different people and all have different cores but I would like for this man to meet me halfway. I try to meet his needs because I love him and want to make him happy all I ask is that he try to meet what my needs are too. He says he loves me, he says he never wants to lose me, yet he will not take the effort and do the hard work to make our marriage livable. My children suffer because they do not understand why he will not play with them or spend time with them. If they want attention they must partake in his interests.He just gets very obsessed with his activities and nothing else exists. My 12yr old daughter has no respect for him because he never keeps his word and as she says "he doesn't care for us or you and he mistreats you badly" I try very hard to explain things to him in ways he will understand. I try to let him see that there are reactions to his actions. He just doesn't get it. Due to all of this and so many other issues we have gone through I am in a very dark place right now and just wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up. He is currently in another country, our son has severe double pneumonia from the flu and will be hospitalized today, I am past the mental breakdown point and I have begged and cried for him to return home. He told me he has a responsibility to his work ethic and his job and himself and will not come home. Yes he is in the military but he could come home. He chooses not to. He doesn't understand why this has hurt me so bad. He doesn't understand that I feel like he has once again chosen something other than his family that needs him. He is very upset with me for even asking for assistance and being upset that he wont be here for us. I am sorry this is so very long. I am just at rock bottom. I have given up. I do not know where to go or where to turn to.I do not know if I should just give up on him and move on or keep trying. I do not even know if he truly has aspergers, he fits all the traits, or if he uses it as an excuse to be abusive. Is what I am experiencing with him anywhere near normal (whatever that is) for an AS to NT marriage? Please someone just help to enlighten me.

Seriously, your husband's behavior does NOT sound like Asperger's Syndrome. It appears to be a deeply ingrained personality
disorder. Besides, if your husband were to be diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome or any kind of a"mental" illness, he would be immediately thrown out of the military.

It appears your husband's career in the military means more to him than you and the family. Why else would he prefer to be away, in another country for so long?

Apparently, your marital counseling and "his" therapists have given up on him due to his lies and lack of any motivation to "change." You cannot change a person who doesn't seem willing to listen or want to change. Why do you continue to subject
yourself and the children to so much verbal, emotional and domestic abuse? Although your husband does not want therapy, please continue to go to therapy for yourself.

From all you have written, it sounds like you should prehaps make plans to separate and determine if you should consider a divorce...especially for the sake of your kids. Individuals working in the military have a higher likelihood of becoming violent...
and I fear for your safety and that of the children.

Best of luck to you!

i agree that it doesnt sound anything like asperger to me, i did a lot of reading since i got diagnosed and its not even close. but there is something there, that is for sure.

here is a site that might help pinpoint, but if he doesnt want to change, well nothing can be done.

http://allpsych.com/

also i know for a fact that in the canadian army, and im almost positive that its the same in the US army, you dont get get kicked out for getting a diagnosis of asperger, i have it and im in my 22nd year in the canadian army.

also usually from what i have read, and from personnal experience, male with asperger tend to be very good husband, because of their loyalty, and also for their honesty.

i wish you luck

Zsazsa not exactly true. You may be enlisted and be suffering from a multitude of problems. I have known people with general anxiety disorder that were taking meds for it that carried a security clearance. You also can be on anti-depression meds. And a medical board to decide something like that would be rare and only in the most extreme cases. They look at it as mostly a financial decision because they spent how much on you in the years and they want a ROI on that.

Agreed that OP wasn't really describing what we have all come to expect with AS.

I'm sorry to hear of what a difficult time you're having.

Normally, I wouldn't reply to deeply personal relationship problems. The difference in this case is that I agree with the other poster that it does not sound like he has Aspergers. OK, the intense obsessions fits the bill, but the deceit and manipulation is the opposite of the typical Aspergers.

Anecdotally, there are many here who do not suffer obsessions to such a high level of intensity. Yes, we have interests - so do healthy NT's. The thing is that for many, the interests do not take over the important tasks of real life. For example, I could never put my work, or any interest, above my childrens health and well being.

I think you have to proceed with great caution in assuming your husband has AS, some less-knowledgable psychiatrists could easily slap an AS diagnosis on without thinking twice. In the short term though, this is not much help to the support you really need, sorry.

I can only tell you what I think I would do in your situation --

If I had the means, I would leave. I would find a relative that could help for a while, set up house there until I could save enough money from working and get the family a new place to live. A trial separation would be a good thing -- it would let your husband know that you mean business this time, and it would give you a chance to see if life without your husband is better for the family. Possibly, your husband would finally come to a realization that life without you and the children is NOT a good thing. You have to be prepared that he may like the separation idea.

The real issue here is the message that you are sending your children. This is NOT a beneficial relationship to anyone in the family. Obviously, the children are aware that Dad isn't a caring or loving individual. They don't like the way he treats you. If you take a stand and show strength in this situation, they will learn that you love THEM enough to improve their lives -- without their father. This also opens you up to the possibility of meeting an individual who will treat you kindly and lovingly. You deserve nothing less than the best, and it sounds as if you have given this man enough tries to say that you've put forward your best effort. I know that leaving is difficult, and that a part of you feels like this marriage has failed -- but on the other side, it may open your family up to the possibility of true happiness. It sounds like life with this individual was failed from the start, things can only go up from here.

From reading one post, with one person's perspective, you folks replying think you can judge this guy better than therapists who have actually dealt with him?

Frankly, her description does I think sound like how some people (not all) with Asperger's are seen by some people who know them.

Uhm, yes, by actually living INSIDE the disorder, as opposed to observing it from a distance, I think we are often better qualified to point out what it ISN'T. I agree this sounds like a fairly severe personality disorder rather than AS.



I understand that some might consider 'failure to fully disclose' as a form of dishonesty, but she makes it clear that his behavior is intentionally deceptive and manipulative and that is a far cry from the typical Aspie - in fact, its almost constitutionally impossible for us to behave that way - our processing issues don't allow for it.

Also, she indicates by terms like 'flavor of the month' that he is socially aggressive enough to pursue serial sex partners. I spent years in a business where groupies came to me, but if it had been up to me to seek them out, I never would have had the experiences that I did.

His superiors in the military seem to think he may be a sexual predator, and that just isn't in the Aspie makeup - we're not that social.

There's something up with this guy that goes far beyond Autism.

In any case, if you're that unhappy, for God's sake get out and get on with your life. Nobody is worth being that miserable over. Surely some of the counselors you've spoken to can guide you to whatever assistance you need.

InvisibleMe,

I've always been a strong supporter of marriage. I don't believe in divorce unless you've exhausted all your options and given it your best shot. Even then, I'm usually resistant to the idea of divorce unless I consider that one or more members of the partnership are in danger.

I hate to be the one to suggest this but if what you've written is accurate and unexaggerated, I would firmly recommend that course of action.

You've made it clear that you've tried all kinds of options, (letter writing, drawing etc). You've made it clear that he understands and that he verbalises committment but both you and his therapist have cited a lack of effort on his part.

He's obviously not willing to put the effort into the relationship.

I'd normally be worried about the children but it's obvious that your children have issues with him and that they're not getting the sort of closeness that they need from a father figure. Your daughter's comments sum it up quite well. "He doesn't care for us or you and he mistreats you badly". You've said that your children suffer as a result. I don't see how separation could not be good for them under these circumstances.

I'd also be a little concerned about the child pornography aspect. Viewing of such material doesn't automatically mean that someone is an offender (indeed in some european studies it was shown that making certain material available actually reduced the liklihood of offense because it was enough of an outlet for many individuals). That said, it's still a disturbing trait because it shows that he has an interest in such things. It puts your family in a very unsafe position. I'm not simply concerned for your own children but for other parents and children who might discover the issue. It could be very damaging for you and your family to live with. You don't want to be ostracised in your community and you don't want your children to be mistreated at school in "retaliation".

You have stated that you've "suffered untold amounts of emotional, mental and verbal abuse from him." and that you're "not in love with him or should I say I am afraid to be in love with him". You've also made it clear that you don't trust him (and that he's given you good reason not to trust him). I don't quite understand why you still want the marriage to work. You say that he loves you and your family and yet he's not willing to rush home when his child is hospitalised.

It's clear that you've given this a lot of thought and a lot of effort. You know that you're not simply a silent partner in the marriage and that you've accepted the idea that you've made mistakes too. You've tried to correct them and I can see that you've given it your best shot.

What are you doing wrong? Nothing. It's your environment that's crushing you. You need to re-read your opening post and count how many times you apologise for posting here, for your actions and for your husband. It's clear that you're taking all the guilt onboard. Don't. You've done nothing wrong and I think it might help if you spoke to a counsellor about your feelings. You need to get rid of that guilt and "find yourself again".

Is there any hope? Yes. I don't think there's much hope for the marriage but there is a lot of hope for you and for your family. You may be going through a rough time now but you may also be about to emerge into the light.

The symptoms your husband is showing are wider than simply aspergers. Some things look like aspergers but contrary to popular opinon, aspies do have empathy and emotions. Sometimes we have trouble expressing them but they're there. Aspies can be very caring and they can change. Your husband shows signs of sociopathy which is considerably beyond aspergers. I've noticed that many of the other posters on this thread have said the same thing.

I know that it's a dark time for you now but your children need you. Don't take it out on yourself - you are not to blame. I hope everything goes well with your son today. If you get a chance, please post an update on his progress as I'm sure that everyone here would like to know that he's ok.

If possible, take some time out for yourself too.

Best of luck.

From the things you wrote about him, my unprofessional opinion is that he does not have Asperger’s.

It sounds like he may have some cross-disorder problems. After all, one of the first things you learn about AS is that everyone is different. What I'm thinking is he may be AS & then just plain have some other unrelated issues going on on top of that. I wonder if because he sounds like such an unpleasant person that some here are saying he's not AS because, let's be honest, who wants to say they've got the same disorder as that guy?

Regardless of whether he's AS or not the situation you've described, IMO, seems hopeless and unhealthy. Love is not suppossed to be that hard. If it's as you've described, and he does not think he needs help or to change, dump him. Life is too short. You'll only make each other unhappy staying together. Seriously. You don't deserve being treated this way and more importantly, neither do your children.

I'm married to a beautiful woman w/AS. We've got a strong, healthy relationship. But before she "broke through" and was dxd w/AS we had a hell of a rough time. After the dx she accepted her AS & I embraced it. She takes meds to help her with the anxiety issues and we are both on the same page about what she can handle and what she can not. Likewise, she understands that I, as an NT, am able to offer her a different perspective to what society expects. We trust each other and between the two of us we make quite the pair. But again, before her dx there were times when it was awful. And not just for me. For her too, as none of it made her happy.

If your husband won't accept a dx & then try & work with you on your relationship then divorce him. You will NEVER be able to make him happy if he is rigidly AS & is unwilling to change. Contrary to his belief, the world DOES NOT revolve around him.

Good luck.

While I did consider that possibility, the fact remains that she describes levels of detachment which are far beyond the normal emotive communication problems (difficulty expressing emotions) which are the bane of an aspie's life.

In the years since I've begun fighting against the adoption of the "aspie with no emotions" stereotype, I've discovered that aspies harbour the full range of emotions and empathy and that the problem lies primarily in expression. While it's certain that the man described in this post has some Aspergers traits, it's clear that there are other issues at work.

InvisibleMe wrote:

The military is a team, and will not accept anyone who is not a team player. People with Asperger’s are usually loners and not team players. If I joined the military they would kick me out in less than a week.



I don’t know about other Aspies but the only way I enjoy anything is by observing another person enjoy herself.



I have a lot of trouble lying. Not only am I terrible liar but it makes me feel like all the people I despise.



The first thing that you must do in order to manipulate people is to join them or pretend to join them in some level. Aspies are not good at joining or even pretending to join people.



Aspies are generally have a logical mind. It would not be logical subvert facts.



There is more to sex than the physical aspect of it no matter how hard core someone is. Some degree of harmony at some level is necessary. If it were just physical there are a lot of inanimate substitutes most people could use instead but they don’t. It also takes a lot of effort for an Aspie to establish that harmony with the opposite sex and it would take even more effort with someone who wasn’t one’s peer.



Most of us realize that we have to try even harder because we are so far behind.





The problem with Asperger’s is not a lack of caring but a lack of the ability to express it.

I wouldn't be so quick to say he that he doesn't have asperger's, but if he does, it's the least of his problems.

InvisibleMe, your chosen title gives a sense that you have very little self-esteem left; hardly surprisingy if you've been stuck in this hideous relationship sine you were 16. For your kids sake though (as well as your own), please get the hell away from this creep.

Invisibleme, You know it's time to leave, you just want someone to nudge you. Well, I say, go for it. The part that sticks out most for me is the child porn thing... that's pretty sick. I'd divorce him for that alone.

Hi there! Just one more person to say that the guy does not have Asperger's. He's just not a good person, and with a whole bucketfull of issues.

For the people who say he may have Asperger's plus another form of complication on top of it: this would be like saying he can breathe above water, but is also a fish.

Asperger's brains are WIRED different. You can't have a brain wired one way, but behaving another way. Sounds like a "miss" diagnosis if you ask me; after all, Asperger's is the new thing to have, and it is just so easy for some "doctors" to diagnose it. Splat! Asperger's! Our job is done!

Truth is, your husband having Asperger's or not means NOTHING to you. I lived with an abusive husband, who lied, cheated, was purely evil to me in all kinds of ways, but retracted his behavior so often, I did not know what to believe. I could not leave the house, have friends, work, diet, contact my family, and on and on.

This lasted nine years, when I finally realized he was not going to change; I was the one changing. And I really like myself, Asperger's and all.

So I left. It was so hard, and I still am amazed that I actually did it. I was in a different country, with no family to count on. I slept in one of my daughter's friend's mother's couch (does that make sense?) for a while with my daughter, and worked as a customer service, answering phones for cell phone companies. I got no money from the divorce, no alimony, and he kept everything -- including some of my belongings, which he destroyed. I just signed whatever he wanted to sign as long as I had my freedom.

It took me a while to rebuild my life. But I did it, for me and for my daughter. It should not take that long for you, since you do not have Asperger's. I realize life is usually easier for NT people.

Grab your humanity and RUN. Get someone to help you through the logistics of the divorce; get help, get alimony, get a better chance than I had to start over. But remember, nothing is worth more than your happiness.

You also won't be alone. I found someone to love me the way I am after all that happened; if you want someone, you will find someone as well.

You can have everything you want. Happiness, love, family, independence. You just won't have it if you stay.