Relating to an Autistic person

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I spent some time with a few people the other day, one of whom is Autistic, I guess, from his behavior. I had a hard time, because this person was asking me for inappropriate things and I didn't have any idea how to get through to him that I wouldn't do what he wanted from me. I think it's unfair to put me in such a situation. I don't have experience with Autistic people and it's not my obligation to know how to relate to them correctly, even if I have Asperger's. Having Asperger's doesn't mean I was born knowing how to relate to someone Autistic or better able to learn spontaneously without preparation, warning or training. I had a bad time and I'm angry. Not at him, of course, but at the people who automatically assumed I'd cope with it perfectly fine and positively and knowleadgeably, just because I happen to be an Aspie.

I don't always relate to people here either and in fact I have been picked on by other autistics and judged and I can see they can be just as bad as normal people. I think I lost an self DXd aspie friend because I have not heard back from him so I called him and left him a message and if I still don't hear from him, I won't bother him.

That's a bit presumptuous isn't it? Just because you have AS, and that person having autism. I'm not sure what I would do, but I'm sure I could find a way. I always do.

At the very least, though, that kind of situation is good at helping AS folks to realize how difficult it can be for another person to deal with their own AS traits. It's easy for us to see how much it hurts when people react negatively to our AS, but it's times like these that help us see that dealing with another person's AS is no picnic, either. Then we can kinda start to understand what NTs don't like about AS, since we can then develop an appreciation for this other perspective.

Yes, it was a most enlightening experience from that point of view. I felt like I was looking in a mirror for the first time in my life. And things I didn't understand about NTs not liking me for decades, I understood in seconds. It was a very rewarding experience in that regard.

But that made it even more difficult, not easier.

What I resent is the expectation that I should naturally function correctly and positively, when it's an extremely difficult situation. It's like a child, but you're not supposed to treat them like a child. You can't be firm and set boundaries like with a child. You can't scold them. You can't tell them "NO, don't do that!" And you can't guide them like a ret*d person, because on one hand they act like ret*d people but on the other they're extremely intelligent and perceptive. Yet you have to keep after them, because you never know what they might do. And I had to keep an eye on him the whole time, undoing stuff he did, but with an adult, polite attitude. NTs just yell at me or start ignoring me, they don't care like I do.

Yeah it's definitely hard, and I guess the way I think of it, part of the complications you were having when dealing with this autistic person could be due to the fact that you've incorporated some level of social skills into your own personality and behavior... almost like a mix of AS and NT traits in a way, and when you see an autistic person you're not entirely sure how to handle them. Do I follow the "pure AS" way, or the "pure NT" way? Do I even remember how an AS person with no social skills would handle it?

At least with your example it becomes painfully clear just how difficult it is to raise an AS kid, as well as the difficulties in trying to help other AS folks with their problems here on WP and out in the real world. Sometimes it just seems so hard to do all of that everyday, and then wake up each and every morning and still care.

Exactly! I was suddenly painfully aware of how AS I am, and at the same time, of how NT I am! It was a whirl of emotions. Eg: He's about 20+, I'm in my late forties. I had arranged my home for a formal meeting with people I didn't know, so that all the mess went into the bedroom, the only room I have that has a door, apart from the bathroom. It's also a private place for me, because I'm a woman alone and that's where I have my bed. The guy was nudging and nudging me to let him look at the bedroom, and I reacted (inside) like an NT, shocked that someone could be so clueless as to ask for such a thing, and how come he doesn't get my hints when I tell him "there's nothing interesting to see there", "it's just a common bedroom", "you can look at the rest of the house". But I didn't want to react as an NT would react to me, with some mockery, ignoring, bullying, yelling, etc. So I felt very stressed because I didn't know how to put an end to it. Usually people that low-functioning go accompanied by someone specialized, I thought! Lucky for me, a member of the group works with Autistics at an institution and she must have said something to him at some point, because he stopped nudging. Then he mistook the meeting for an invitation and me for an entertaining hostess, and started nudging for me to serve chocolate cookies or something with chocolate in it. I had no food destined for the meeting, I was not supposed to entertain the crowd!

Wouldn't he have started to nudge with "why not?", "why is it private?", etc.?

A have a friend who is exactly like you described. For one thing he can't drive and lives 15 miles away from me so I got myself hooked into driving him to and from his house every time we got together. The whole driving thing has become an issue because he always wants to hang out with me until late at night. I don't really know how to explain to him in a nice way that because I'm driving him I get to decide how late we stay out before I drive him home and that it isn't appropriate for him to beg me to stay later. He also has a somewhat child-like demeanor in that he constantly asks me weird questions. I can't really get it across to him that his constant questioning makes me uncomfortable without directly telling him but then when I do he responds with "aw come on, I'm just being a friend".

Spending time with him is weird for me because he reminds me a lot of how I was when I was a child even though we're both 30. It's a bit awkward because I'm afraid of being patronizing to him since he's certainly more intelligent/aware than most people would assume based on prejudice and first appearances.

FWIW,

Like Irisrises, I would have been very direct. "I am the only one allowed in that room."

If he nudged with "why" or something similar, I would have said "It doesn't matter why. Since this is my home, I'm the one who decides, and I've decided that no one is allowed in that room except for me."

And I would have repeated that every single time he nudged until it sank in, whether it took three times or fifty. And I wouldn't have been at all upset or uncomfortable because it's not rude to set a limit with ANYONE as long as you are reasonably polite about it.

There is also nothing wrong with saying straight out "I don't want to discuss it any more." Or "It makes me unhappy when you keep asking to go in the room when I have already said you can't."

If you think back to when you had more trouble with your particular traits, weren't you very, very grateful to the people who just told you what the deal was and didn't get flustered or upset or angry, just told you until you "got" it? I know I sure as hell was. And it didn't help when people "assumed" that I should "know", because I *didn't* know, obviously--if I knew, I wouldn't have done it.

Same thing when he asked for refreshments. "I'm sorry, but this is a meeting, so there are no refreshments." Just simple, straight-up and to the point.

YMMV

Oh yes, I was suddenly asked to mind an Autistic boy aged 11 or 12 from one of the mothers who volunteered at the local AS group. I know that experience!

The worst part was when he ran into the backyard, and I thought he was going to leave the yard. He was also non verbal.

To me it's complicated and almost impossible enough to try and learn how to relate to normal, NT people. Having a variation thrown in, I mean someone Autistic, screws my head totally. It's more than I can deal with. It was unfair to leave me to figure out for myself how to treat him. If I'd thought of being direct and firm, I would've discarded the idea as being impolite. That's what it is with NTs. You don't talk to them directly, and if they're your guests, you don't sound firm. You have to give them those sweet sounding white lies they love - and many Aspies favor the white lies too. So I had no way to know that directness and firmness were the better course of action here, if you take into account that I was trying to avoid upsetting him so he wouldn't raise his voice and the others wouldn't blame me of upsetting a poor LFA young man.

Sounds like it was a tough call. I would have been equally confused and resentful. Since my AS diagnoses, I have realized that I have two "programs for socializing. One is for NT mode, and the other with close friends, or others on the spectrum that I know fairly well. It can be disorienting when you are working or socializing with mostly NTs, and there is another Aspie in the mix. Especially one that you don't know, and therefore aren't sure how to interact with.