Problem inlaws...mainly rant, but advice appreciated

Post Reply New Topic

My inlaws are manipulating, infuriating, impossible people and I have lost the capacity to care as long as I don't have to deal with them. Have not been seeing or speaking to them since June, which caused the marital problems that brought me to realize that my husband and I are on the spectrum in the first place.

One of the reasons I don't seek a diagnosis is I dont know how these people could use it against me and/or my husband in the future. For example, I'm supposed to be his medical power-of-attorney if he's incapacitated...heaven forbid. He has a living will and he does not want his parent or sister to decide for him. For those in the USA, does anyone know, if his parent or sibling could use my "mental" diagnosis to usurp my power-of-attorney if they wanted to? Could they use his diagnosis to usurp his living will? I would not put it past them at all if they thought they could do something like that. He's gone and told them about AS and that he thinks we have it, but they don't really understand and aren't likely to. I don't care what they think, as long as they don't interfere in our lives.

Ideally of course I would suck it up and deal with them for his sake. Problem is, the parents push and argue and insult until I have to leave. I have told my husband many times to spend time with them, just leave me out of it. I have never stood in his way. But he has only done so a couple of times since then. He doesn't seem to particularly enjoy spending time with his parents, and acknowledges that his family is dysfunctional, he mainly blames his sister. But the parents are just as bad when she's not there.

My husband wants me to start seeing his parents again, but he and I still have many things to work out between us, now that we know about our own AS. For one, I'll need to feel that I can safely leave the situation if it gets bad. As it is now: Say that his dad starts picking on me, I can't get him to stop. I shutdown and walk away. Then my husband gets mad at me for days. Only an idiot would walk into a trap like that again.

OK so I'm mainly just ranting.

I have the same exact problem with my side of the family. I don’t force my wife to see or talk to them, in fact I tell her not to talk to them. Have your husband read what I just wrote.

It sounds like your in-laws are mentally abusive and it would probably be in your best interest to remove them from your life. In short, you should do some research on mental abuse, seek advice from a professional, and in the end, speak with your husband and explain to him that *you* are no longer going to see his parents.

Personally I think family is over-rated so it's easy for me to suggest cutting off contact with a toxic or destructive family member. Your husband's being an ass. He see's that his family hurts you and he allows it to happen.. maybe because he's dealt with it his entire life. Get some help, figure out how to confront your husband, and make a stand for yourself.

His dad picks on you? What a douche. What exactly does he say to you?

Your questions about medical power of attorney and living will are vitally important and should be answered by a lawyer. You must have used an attorney to draw up the living will (I'm guessing, since I don't have one). Go back to that person and find out for certain.

Thanks everyone. As for the legal question, I was just hoping someone would know, since there are a lot of DXed people here.

Janissy, it varies by state but where I live you don't need a lawyer, you just fill out forms and have it notarized by a hospital. So I don't have an attorney I could ask. I guess I might need one though, if my in-laws won't leave me alone.

Well, of course I'd be happy as a clam if I never had to see my in-laws again. Except when I see how it would hurt my husband. I agree, vobilli, family is over-rated and I have cut of contact with many of my own before. He's not being an ass, he's being an Aspie. He's been raised by them so he doesn't see how they can upset me so much. He's gets mad because he's stuck in the middle. And being an Aspie myself, I don't show enough that I care about his feelings in this issue. I think if I can explain enough that I do understand, and I do care, it will go a long way. He's like an NT, that way. If I can get something through his head, he does the right thing. It's just that we have a lot of communication problems built up, after 12 years together and didn't know we have AS.

It's not so much what his dad says exactly, its how he says it. He knows my husband will stick up for me so he looks for opportunities to get me by myself so he can b***h at me, which is extremely intimidating ...my husband is hard of hearing also, and just oblivious until its too late. And the mom is just as bad in a passive-aggressive way, all innocent and perpetually offended at everyone and everything.

It is likely the in laws are Aspie.