Recovering from Life before Diagnosis

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Hi, all. I'm new here. Self-diagnosed, hope to get professionally assessed soon.

I'm 42 years old. 2009 was the year of getting my head examined.... diagnosed with ADD (inattentive type), PMDD (extreme PMS), and major depression. Well, actually I'd been diagnosed with depression 15 or 20 years ago, and medicated for it for much of that time; and ADD maybe 10 years ago, though when meds didn't work I just shelved it and didn't think too much about it. This past year I've been spiralling into crisis, unemployed and in danger of becoming homeless, and the depression came back full force, the PMDD has been very bad, and the ADD-like symptoms have made job hunting and filling out applications really painful. And in all this time I have felt like something was not being picked up on, and I'd encounter Aspies on ADD forums or forums of religious hermits, and wondered, and well, I took some books out of the library, and I did all those online quizzes, and I guess I belong on this planet with you folks.

The thing is, I'm struggling because not only do I have the symptoms of AS etc., I also feel like I'm traumatized by all the years of "pretending to be normal". It's not just inability to focus that has made it impossible to job hunt, it's this extreme reaction to the thought of going back out there again. It's not just discomfort but ... I don't know how to put it. I need to feel safe, and I don't feel safe out there in the job world. I'm trying to earn money as a personal chef, which is good in some ways but hard in others, but at least I think could possibly work. But I just feel like I would be doing violence to myself by getting another job again. And yet ... I'm losing my house, there's a short-sale offer with the bank for approval right now, and if and when they accept it I don't know how I am going to pay to keep a roof over my head. My family does not understand, they think I need to just "get a job!", they don't understand what it's like for me so they're not very supportive and I definitely can't go live with any of them. I've applied for SSDI but I know that's hit or miss and even if it's hit, it could take a looong time.

So I guess I'd like to hear from others who have been diagnosed well into adulthood, do any of you feel like you're traumatized by experiences due to living undiagnosed for so long? I think my depression is at least half a result of the AS and ADD, not just an independent condition. Adolescence was terrible, and even pre-adolescence trying to keep from getting bullied and ostracized, well that's when I got depressed originally was when we moved and I started 4th grade in a new school, new town, and was ostracized. At this point I don't know how much of my social isolation is a primary symptom and how much it's a kind of PTSD.

OK, sorry to start with a big emotional dump right off the bat..... But glad you all are here, anyway.

I am at my worst when I need to look for a job. The time when I need to project the positive is when every insecurity comes to the surface. That's why I tend to get low level jobs and hang on to them. I understand that need for safety. Have you worked as a chef before? That's a lot of stress and sensory overload. You're talking about a lot of noise and heat and tempers flaring. Restaurant work is Murphy's Law in action. I don't think I could ever work in a a restaurant again. I'm just not built for it. I did for 15 years, but was slamming beers after my shift to keep from screaming.

Welcome to Wrong Planet

Yeah, I know I couldn't handle restaurant work. But as a personal chef I work alone.

That I could go for! Someone wealthy enough to afford one I presume? I know someone who traveled with a Major League Baseball team as their personal chef for a few years.

No, unfortunately it's not one single client, I have to hustle for clients. Which wouldn't be THAT bad, if I could feel like I master the work (....executive dysfunction....) because it would likely be mostly word of mouth. But I'm so stressed. Right now my only reliable client is my brother, and he isn't going to support me forever. And almost half my income right now comes from renting out my basement, which of course will be gone when the house is gone. Unless I could find a place to rent where I could sub-let space without actually sharing space. My tenant has a separate entrance.

It's not just you! I sometimes seem to be displaying PTSD symptoms. Have you heard of C-PTSD? Similar to PTSD but as a result of long term suffering, rather than a few extremely traumatic events. It doesn't seem too far fetched that for an Aspie before the term was invented, being forced through mainstream schooling (and employment) is on a parallel to an NT being in a concentration camp.

Personally, I haven't invesigated it further as I'm getting fed up of acronym after acronym that all seems to hold part of the puzzle, yet none fit perfectly. And ultimately, there aren't any cures for any of them.There are forums on every personality 'disorder', filled with people who have tried therapy and it didn't work for them.

Why even attempt to cure what we are? Maybe AS might not be the end of your search?

Thanks, ManErg. I guess it's on my mind because the thought of getting a job feels like re-entering the trauma, and I'm hoping for a miracle quick approval of SSDI instead......

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Last edited by Willard on 11 Jan 2010, 10:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thanks, Willard. If I may ask, how old were you when you were diagnosed? Just wondering if I would have been just as bad off by now even if I'd known all along what was wrong with me.

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Last edited by Willard on 11 Jan 2010, 10:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Did you have a hard time getting approved for SSI?

I just picked up another book from the library, The ADHD Autism Connection, and VERY interested in reading it. My two brothers, my dad and I have all been diagnosed ADD, and it seems to fit my sister and my mom, too. My own AS self-diagnosis would be strengthened if the two seemed to be neurologically related.

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Last edited by Willard on 11 Jan 2010, 10:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, I'm really pessimistic about the medical records I've currently got. Ironically, I think the one who had the best handle on my vocational deficits works for the same agency that does the disability determination review, just in another branch. I had gone to them because they have a program to help people with disabilities to become self-employed, and they sent me for an in-house psych assessment. Came back classified in "Category I: Individuals with the Most Significant Disabilities." I should ask if I can look at her report. Anyway, that's another reason I'm going to see this case manager on Monday. I think I need a more sympathetic psych advocate. My last psychiatrist did not consider me disabled and neither does my general practitioner. GP's ignorant, and p-doc was fixated on ADD and convinced he had me fixed with Adderall. Not.

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Last edited by Willard on 11 Jan 2010, 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Here there's only one person to handle all the vocational rehab for the state, as far as I can tell. At least intake and initial case management. Nuts.

Well, I don't look at it in terms of diagnosis, and the only self-diagnosis I've given myself is AS traits. But, yes.

Traumatized by being different, and not understanding those differences, and not having role models that suited who I am. More specifically, not having role models for dealing with emotions.

I learned about BPD first. BPD is a lot like C-PTSD. That helped me understand my woundedness, and learn some skills too just from reading. So, I started working on the brokenness, the trauma, before having any understanding of the autism spectrum.

Reading about autism has definitely helped me understand myself, and that understanding has helped heal those wounds. As has having found a good emotional role model. (For some reason, stuff I've read about autism has connected with me more than anything I've read on Asperger's.)