After diagnoses things got worse

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I've been married for 20 years, and have four children.

I do well, I am the bread winner, and my wife maintains the household. We've done well with this formula, and my career has flourished to where we live comfortably.

My wife and I have always had communication issues, her nick name for me was "Vulcan", and her family is overly extroverted, to which mine isn't. There probably is a lot of my family on the spectrum as we rarely talk, or get together.

My wife and I were going through marriage counseling over our issues, primarily she doesn't feel loved, or have a spouse who can provide her with emotional support. She would be my opposite, very empathic, NT, and gifted in social skills. After while our therapist thought maybe something was wrong me, and we kind of stopped going to him.

A little while later, our son was diagnosed on the spectrum, and said he thought I may be as well. So I went to get diagnosed, anything to help my marriage.

I was diagnosed last year, and since then things have got worse. My wife feels as if she were handed a death sentence, not only her son, but her husband is AS, our relationship has dwindled down to almost nothing now. I'm not happy about it, but now she says I use AS an excuse, where I see it as an understanding as to why our arguments always break down. She talks in generalizations, no specifics, and feelings based. I want to be direct, and become confused over what most NT would find to be simple.

This is not fun at all. I feel I'm going to lose my family, but I feel I've done nothing wrong. My wife said I'm like an alcoholic, and the first step is to admit I have a problem to fix it. I think this is how I'm wired, and we both need to change the way we talk. It's really frustrating. My NT kids are now at a point of calling me Rain Man, or ret*d, this whole diagnoses was such a bad thing.

We're going to a new counsoler, but I feel nothing is going to change. Ever since my diagnoses things have just gotten so bad. Before the diagnoses they just thought I was an as*hole, now I'm a ret*d, this sucks.

Just a vent, I just had to vent to someone who understands all this.

Hi PJs. I'm sorry things are so miserable for you right now.

I am an NT, and I am married to a man with AS. He was diagnosed recently, but I think he pretty much knew his entire life.

I think this is likely particularly difficult when you have been together for as long as you two have. There are probably all kinds of entrenched marital dynamics in addition to this new diagnosis. I have a couple random thoughts, I don't know how useful they are but I will share them.

My husband works individually with a therapist who specializes in AS. If you don't have someone like that, i gently suggest finding someone. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. My husband's therapist told him that "couples counseling" is contraindicated with AS, at least in the beginning, because a necessary ingredient for couples counseling to be successful is empathy. And of course, the AS partner is challenged in this area. Hence, it can do more harm than good.

However, my husband working alone with a counselor has improved all areas of his life - with me, with the kids, with his friends, acquaintances. He has learned some basic, easy, skills that help him navigate around family dynamics easier. And it has lessened his anxiety in many ways (anxiety which is not necessarily a part of AS, but certainly a result of living with it).

I find this a fascinating comparison. If we accept this, then she also has a huge problem to fix. The wife of an alcoholic is arguably more spiritually sick as the alcoholic. She is often long suffering, she has stayed with him - controlling, begging, pleading, yelling (all whilst sober!). She is often manipulative and depressed, and just as in need of therapy and treatment as the alcoholic himself. Hence millions of partners-of-alcoholics in 12 step programs themselves.

AS is not alcoholism. It is not mental illness. It is in your wiring, you will not recover from it. To that extent, I can see where one might feel "hopeless". But my experience with my husband is that you can also make great strides in your relationships by applying skills. I also learned so much, and I learn a lot here - - which I apply with him and we get along very well.

My personal experience as a wife of an AS man: Much is required of me. I had to adjust my expectations to be in line with the reality of his style and how he works. I suspect your wife would need to do some of that. It can be challenging, but for me it was also freeing. Like "Oh? Well, why bother drilling down on that. He's not going to be capable of it - walk away."

Good luck.

Woah, that's some generalisation .

I agree with the rest of your advice though BetsyRath, individual counselling to learn empathy skills is a good idea.

Not really. It's pretty fairly well documented if you read about alcoholism. Many treatment centers offer conjoined treatment for exactly this reason. Alcoholism is a sickness that affects the family system, not just the individual.

However, I will point out I didn't make the comparison to alcoholism - his wife did. I just found it notable that in her own scenario - a diagnosis of alcoholism - the alcoholic isn't usually the only one who needs to change.

I don't doubt you that the spouses of alcoholics do need help themselves, but it's this line in particular that gets to me;



I could be reading this wrong, but it sounds as if a huge amount the blame is being shifted onto the wife in this situation. When you boil it down, her only 'problem' is that she is married to an alcoholic. If she leaves him, she will effectively be cured of his alcoholism.

I do not intend to ascribe "blame". I am just pointing out that in a system of two people, both have responsibility for the relationship.

I do not accept this premise at all that if the wife of an alcoholic leaves him, she will be "cured". We may have to simply disagree here, and we're certainly digressing from the OP's gist, but leaving the alcoholic does not cure this person her issues. In point of fact, she probably has a lot of work to do on herself as she has pathology also ("co-alcoholism" or "co-dependency" - whatever psycho term you prefer). I note this idea is not accepted universally by mental health professionals but it is a majority opinion that alcoholism involves the family. The partner also needs help to heal, and a vast majority of partners (I don't know the %) come from backgrounds of alcoholism themselves - so they marry into what they know. In many cases they were affected by alcoholism before they married the alcoholic, and will continue to be affected if they leave.

I think this tangent is relevant here only insomuch as the OP's wife brought this comparison up and I'm sure it feels painful and unfair for him to hear. I observe in some cases, the partner or spouse of someone with AS would like to "fix" or "change" the person, as if that will "fix" the whole relationship - thereby absolving herself of an active role in the marriage, as if she herself is not 50% of the dynamic. In some ways the very comparison she made does not serve her.

Thanks, my original post was how my wife compared my ASD to an alcoholic, which I believe is an unfair comparison.

I'm hoping this new therapist will help us out, I feel she needs to understand how I communicate, and I'm not out to piss her off as she thinks I'm doing. I do a poor job of communicating this to her.

My therapist did say she wants to have a one on one without my wife in order to "understand my world". We'll see how this goes.

Thanks for the responses though, I'm looking forward to posting here, as a support group. I hope I have things to contribute, as much as I want to learn from the group.

Fair or not, it is **completely** inaccurate. I am a permanently recovered alcoholic who is as recovered as any alcoholic could ever be, and my wife (before either of us knew about my AS/HFA) used to ask me whether I might ever recover from anything other *than* alcoholism!



Your wife certainly does need to understand, but a "therapist" who does not is *not* going to be able to help her do so!

I truly hope you can find someone who can help you ...

It just seems like the two of you are still trying to come to terms with the benefits and limitations of applying the AS label on yourself.

What you are seeing are the benefits: an explanation for many of the difficult things that had happened in your life up to now.

What she sees are the limitations: an excuse for you to continue to do what she thinks are bad

And there's no easy or simple short-term solution to this. The only things that would come to mind would be stuff like... What kind of compromises did you make for her, before your diagnosis? What kind of compromises did she make for you? If there is a huge imbalance in the answers to those two questions, then I wouldn't really be too surprised that a diagnosis would cause this much strife. Whether a person has an AS or alcoholic or whatever label or not, relationships are about mutual understanding and compromise. A new label isn't going to change that fact of life. And in order for both of you to proceed while still maintaining your relationship, there will be times when both of you will have to act as though you were never diagnosed. In contrast there will be other times when both of you will have to accept that your neurologies are not identical. It will be a long and difficult road for you and your entire family up ahead; only time will tell if the diagnosis is worth it in the end.

Best wishes.

Hi Pjs,

I feel what you say.......so I will try and explain myself as best as I can.

I have been given the possible "green light" on AS by my shrinks(but psychometric testing is a must for me as there may be a question of possible ADHD-I as well. We shall see what testing brings up).

So, my fiance does not have AS and my son does not have AS and he calls me a nerd because I always have my head in a physics book or some such thing and there are terrifying periods where my family feel like strangers....I felt very sad when you told us what names your children call you.......not the names themselves, but the way that they are used.

Communication is a frightening dance for me.....fraught with dangerous emotions that I cannot understand or express. If I had no need to communicate, I would be just peachy in my comfy, complex mind, but that is not reality.....

I don't know what the answer is, but at 36, there are moments of startling clarity, but mostly bottomless nervousness/anticipation and hard cognitive work. It is very difficult. Nothing has changed for you with the dx.......it has only given you a starting point, a direction in therapy if you feel you need it. I gotta say, I don't know what I would do without my shrinks.....

Take care dear person......love thyself and get a handle on those negative responses from people(do not let it erode your self-esteem).........the answers will come.......stay safe in the meantime and keep talking.

Mics

She may secretly blame you for her son's AS, feeling very distressed about it and looking for some comfort and emotional sharing with her husband which doesn't go so well because he has AS as well.




Some woman talk a lot, not for getting your straight opinion, but just for sharing a feeling. I'm not expert, but I think there are some talk-techniques for this. Most important is not to get irritated, not to give straight answers and show interest on how she feels.

Puppy said that in family life everything is about a balance and compromise which I also find true. However I see in your post that your family is very demeaning to you calling you names. I didn't read that you call them names. My point is that balance can not be achieved if you are in total defense position and they are in offense. In particular, you can change some of your behaviors (for example take kids out more, be specific like on Saturdays) but you can't/won't change your hobby, or dressing or your personality. It seems to me that your wife is trying to make you a touchy-feely person and she needs to understand the boundaries i.e. some things are not possible and infringe with your basic human rights. I mean, based on the same disagreement you could ask her to become more introvert or to be more precise or less talkative. There could always be demands but even some behaviors could be changed she shouldn't try to change you as a person.

These are all things that the OP's wife and NT kids could possibly do, but I avoided saying this in my previous post because in reality we are only seeing one side of the story: the OP's. Almost certainly, if we were to hear the wife's side of the story, she would very possibly say that the OP has been the one who has been unyielding. She could easily say that the OP's "Vulcan"-like behavior demeans her as a human being, just as namecalling demeans the OP. So as Michhsta pointed out, honest communication between the OP and his wife is required in order to sort this kind of stuff out, to find a compromise acceptable to both parties.

puppy:

honest communication is a load of c***. Try telling your spouse you find someone looks way better than him/her or her/his laud chewing makes you insane or... It can work for specifics like "I expect you to remember my birthday and buy me a present". It won't work for "I expect you to buy me a present that will mean a lot to me", believe me I tried that. "Emotional support" is hard to figure out so I honestly don't know how she can expect that.

She is emotional being and reasoning with her won't help. She needs time and some directions ,some attention (get her out on a movies night) or compromises, but also a note that she can't win everything. The last one is equally important.

You are making a big assumption: that she is totally incapable of any form of rational thought. Most NTs are not so extreme to be incapable of rational thought altogether.

Honest communication may need some form of mediator (e.g. therapist) if she finds it difficult to be straightforward in the way we might be used to, but it still has to happen. The appropriate messages still need to be sent across in both directions. Emotional support is not that hard to figure out when the underlying social skills have been developed sufficiently. That's why you can't just say, "tell me what I need to do and I will do it", because it does nothing to develop the social skills which are needed to be able to respond to stuff like "I expect you to buy me a present that will mean a lot to me" in a more generalized way. Nothing will be able to solve emotional support problems longterm without social skills to be able to handle other people, especially in more emotionally-involved or intimate situations.

I have a routine I go by, and set it every day as to what I'm going to do. I happen to be strict to the way I do things.

Let me give an example of a conversation between us.

She says "Do you have any meetings today?"

I'm thinking she wants me to do something, my schedule is loaded and I'm behind schedule for my project.

I say, "No"

She says, Looking at the calendar "The calendar (family appointments) is loaded today."

I'm thinking, oh no, she wants to monopolize my time, just because I work at home doesn't mean she can have me run errands back and forth all day because she overbooks herself!

I then say "I'm really busy today, just because I work out of the house doesn't mean I can run around all day." Of course, I blurt out what I think.

Then an argument ensues for about an hour.

Finally she says, "I just wanted you to take our son to the doctor's at three (which runs about an hour)."

I said, "Why didn't you just say that in the first place?!"

Communication is a problem here, being ASD, I can't deal with the round about ways of getting a point across. She says I'm crazy and driving her crazy.