Big Breakups during midlife newly diagnosed Asperger's

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O.k., so some time in our twenties, both me and my AS ex boyfriend were set up by mutual friends. In our thirties, people took us out together. Finally, we dated for five years.

Last year my ex finally got an AS diagnosis. I had always accepted him as he was, because I knew he had OCD, and we are really compatible. Life always seemed harder for him.

We could never live together, never planned marriage or children, and he had problems with commitment because it all made him very anxious. He had not been able to live with an ex wife, couldn't say we were dating--with a few exceptions. (All the AS stuff, and I would have stayed with him anyway.)

About two years ago, he got obsessed with a coworker. I would talk to him on holidays, and he would admit to obsessing about her. Meanwhile, he actively started trying to get her to date him. He said, "It's a chance for a different life. I'll live with her and have children." He seemed to think he wouldn't have AS or OCD if he were with her---he seemed really depressed as well. He started blaming me for his AS behaviour and really got pretty mean.

Finally, she said she'd date him. That is when he stopped talking to me after seven years.

She's a pretty serious alcoholic, and a very extroverted party girl type. Once she figures out he's faking it, their relationship will end pretty quickly.

A couple of questions: what do I do not to enable the relationship?

What do I say when she dumps him? (Sorry, you really do have AS, and you need therapy?)

What can I do to take care of myself in the meantime? This is really painful, and I have sort of odd, mystical reasons to think that he's with her so that I can work on how to be with him, knowing he has AS (e.g.,mourn and accept--this is who he is.) I've dated him for twice the time he had ever dated anyone else, and we are really compatible in several ways.

How common is this in undiagnosed AS men at midlife?

(and, "Yes, I want him back.)

poppyx

I don't think you ever 'had' him in the first place, poppyx
1.) never lived together,
2.) never planned marriage or children,
3.)and he had problems with commitment
and now he has other plans, seems like he has moved on.

Merle

I would say so, except, he's been engaged or married six times before this, and each time it only lasted six months. He's also had 14 relationships over the past 23 years that lasted one year or less. I'm the five year girl.

He told me he wanted to be with me--but he knew he couldn't say it, because of the divorce and the broken engagements. (Also, Rudy Simone's "22 Things" talks about this kind of Asperger guy--she describes him to a T--no commitment if they have to think about it.)

All of our mutual friends are convinced that this is an affair.

So, knowing that his manifestation of Asperger's and OCD involves long periods of, "I can't be too close. I can't be in a relationship", and then coming back into it--we spent 12 hours a week with each other for five years, and he did all the calling, five days a week, for five years. He just couldn't "say" that he was in a relationship. We didn't talk about kids because he would get freaked out if we did. (In fact a lot of what broke us up was my getting fertility tested, finally. He can't have children.)

Part of what is freaking me out is that he can't live with another person or have children, but he seems to think that he will change if he dates someone else?

Knowing that, what do I do?

Sounds like a lost cause.

I mean, high functioning enough to start things, but too clueless to do anything about it in a "normal" way (can't handle it), but he also lacks empathy for others (i.e., not caring about your feelings when he moved on).

You being normal, will still have a connection there, whereas he probably doesn't even think about you.

This is what happens when people with an ASD make relationships their "interest".

He'll probably be back when you're his interest again.

Whether or not you ever had him, you don't have him now.

You need to get over the illusion that he's being forced to do this because he has AS. We make our own decisions, and he decided to leave you. AS doesn't force you to do anything. Typical people do this kind of thing all the time: They have a relationship with one person; then they break up with that person when they meet someone else. It's quite a typical situation and I really have no idea what AS has to do with it.

Whether his decision is good or bad for him or for you, I don't know, but the fact is that he left you. You may or may not get back together; but I'm getting some stalker vibes from you. He's never said you were dating. You've never planned living together. And he's had at least a crush on this co-worker of his for two years now. Two years is a long time. He may never have thought of you as his significant other in the first place. And you're still talking about not "enabling the relationship" and talking about "when she dumps him"?!

I think you've got this idea in your head that he's perfect for you because you've both got OCD or something, but you keep talking about this "grieving and accepting" and "staying with him anyway" and "AS behavior". You know what? AS is a part of his personality. It is not just something he does. It is part of who he is. When you talk like that, you're rejecting a part of him. Doesn't matter that he seems to reject it too--it's just that, if you love somebody with AS, you've got to love their AS just like any other part of them. But you seem to be tolerating it and putting up with it, at the most, like it's some kind of disagreeable fungus you found at the back of the fridge. That isn't a good foundation for a relationship, whether the trait in question is AS or anything else.

Who knows if he was right to leave you, or wrong? I don't. I've never met either of you. But this idea that "he left because he's AS and he can't help it"... uh-uh. No. That's not the way this works.

If AS comes into it at all, it could have been that he let your relationship continue in order to avoid changing things; for many AS people, change is uncomfortable and annoying, and breaking up is a big change. Maybe big enough that it takes you years to decide to do it.

Actually he did say we were dating--and then he wouldn't.

He practically forced me buy a house down the street from him and then spent the next four years decorating it. We spent 1,000 or so hours together combing thrift stores to furnish the house I live in.

Half of my furniture was his childhood furniture, and I have closets full of his things. (which he hasn't asked for back, yet!)

I spent holidays with his family, until he got obsessed with the current gf.

Sorry if I sound stalkerish. Four years of someone trying to have children with you (again, did that, couldn't talk about it) will make you a little weird when when they suddenly disappear.

Although I really agree that this is what happens when someone who has AS makes dating their "interest". Good point there.

Him just disappearing sounds like you were an interest and he wants nothing to do with you now since you aren't. However, I'm betting you will be his interest again and he'll be back.

I've seen this happen a few times, especially those who make relationships that singular interest.

(My dad was one.)

O.k. so here is the question:

"Yes, he decided to leave for his latest obsession."

And I have a hard time with that. He's not acting like an NT would act with our shared history of mutual friends, setting up house, trying to have kids, etc.

(Again, as long as we didn't talk about it, he was fine.)

How do you accept someone who is really difficult. It's not like it was easy for me to stay with him. I thought, and still think, that I could work on acceptance.

I think that's the problem. I can't accept his decisions as rational. You would not believe the things that he says-- they really aren't rational, and wouldn't be, even to another person with more severe AS.

I'm just wondering if he is going nuts because he can't accept that much of himself? And I wasn't helping?

If losing interest is the reason, it's a hard one for the other person.

Think of it as turning a light off and walking into another room and turning that light on. For you, the light in the original room will still be on, though it'll slowly dim in time until it's quite dark. For him, you and his room is pitch black, and the new room is bright as the sun. It seems cold and lacking in care/empathy, and it is, though no ill is meant, which might make it a little better.

This is one reason why I don't think people with AS should start relationships when it's something they're obsessing over.

Again, this is if I'm right.

Him not talking about things with you in the past is just showing that they were overwhelming for him.

pardon me if I am being too personal, but poppyx, do you have a life other than this guy that just strings you along? Can you move on, yourself? Or are you stuck?

I don't see how this is different from an NT guy leaving his current partner for a new interest. The style's different, sure; but it's essentially the same thing.

You're right, he's not. Most neurotypicals would have had a huge fight with you, blame you for everything bad that ever happened in their lives, and then hate you so they could feel better about themselves for dumping you for someone else. Is that what you would have preferred?

If it is - if it would give you more of a sense of closure - then just pretend that's what happened.

Also, I think there's something you're not telling us here. You tried to have children together for four years? And then you got fertility tested, but it's him who can't have children? It sounds to me like he thinks it's you who can't have children, and he wants children.

No, there's nothing I'm not telling you; in fact, he told me doesn't BELIEVE I got fertility testing. (Although based on his personal history, it's possible he's never gotten anyone pregnant in 25 years of dating.)

That's one of the crazy things.

I can accept the breakup, because, honestly, I'm not sure I can deal with the way he is not dealing with his AS. He told me he has to be with another person because with her he could have children (no), and he could live with her (no), and he wouldn't have an incredible need for space (no) and he wouldn't have OCD (no) and he wouldn't have issues with even admitting to being in a relationship with virtually all of his romantic partners (no), and he wouldn't have periods of depression in which he doesn't want to be in a relationship (no), and he wouldn't blame the NT partner for "normal" things like calling to tell him you care about him (no.)

I also know that she wants marriage and children, and someone who can live with another person comfortably, and all of the "normal" stuff that a lot of Aspies can do--just not this Aspie, at this time.

I do have one question: when this other situation craters, it seems like saying, "You might consider that your AS affects your romantic relationships. Have you considered counseling?"

That almost seems abusive.

So...what happens when the "interest" ends....and if he restarts the "interest" with me, can I expect more of the same?

Can counseling help someone like this?

I've never restarted an old interest. They've always stuck around as fond memories and little more.

However, yes, I do think he needs counseling. He's probably got the idea (an idea you are probably reinforcing) that Asperger's is a bad, wrong part of him that's ruining his life, something he'll never be happy unless he gets rid of it. I've seen it really often, in the media as well as real life: If you can fall in love with the right person, all your problems will be solved. The "true love solves everything" myth affects plenty of people. Your ex is one of them.

Love is not rational. This is a fact. Neurotypicals are not rational when it comes to love, either.

Don't get him into counseling with the motive of getting him to come back to you. It's highly unlikely, in fact, because if he does get himself some self-awareness and maybe even self-esteem, he'll probably either realize he's not ready for romance, or else he'll want someone who actually loves his AS, rather than just "mourning and accepting" it.

That's what's killing me. He's done things for years that I had come to accept, and even like. (We'd never live together because of the AS; he would always be somewhat distant.)

Just when I thought I really had come to accept his .....what we thought was OCD....he left!

I would never have left him. In fact, I've spend weeks reading all I can about AS, and "Yes, I can and do accept and love that about him."

Although I am going to suggest counseling at some point, even if it makes him a better person for someone else.

I'm not a complete jerk, and I'm the only one that really knows him.