AS bf lost his job and now needs alone time??

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I'm NT and my bf of about 3 years has AS. He just lost his job that he loved, I know that bothers him a lot, and I feel for him so much. But he shuts me out, says he's fine. I had a health scare and heard nothing from him for days until I begged him to let me know HE was ok since I thought it was weird that someone who loves me didn't even call to find out if I was in the hospital. I know he does that sometimes, needs "alone time" when he's stressed but this time I was literally shocked by his nonreaction (and so was everyone we know).

I told him I'd call this weekend he said ok....but he ignored my calls, even the one telling him I had great news, then told me today he needs "alone time for a while". He's done this, changed plans, doesn't answer calls etc. if he's feeling bad. But how can I plan for that? What if he does this to our children?

What can I say to him to let him know I support him and care other than just leaving him alone? And still it bothers me..... should I expect that I cannot count on him for any emotional support whatsoever if he's having "alone time"? What kind of relationship is that? When I am stressed I still make time for him....doesn't matter I guess.

I love him very much and leaving is not an option. Any thoughts?

How old are the two of you?

I ask because I wonder if he is in his twenties, and if so, he may be less mature than other people his age (common with some people on the spectrum). Are you his first girlfriend? Does he have much experience with relationships?

It may be difficult to do, but let him "ride out" this issue with losing his job. He may be very depressed, and just can't take on any other emotional upheaval right now. If you can let him ride out his current problems, then begin asking him about his inattentiveness to you in YOUR time of need when he is feeling better, and there are no issues. He will feel less pressure then, and may respond more appropriately. If you can discuss these sort of things when everyone is feeling secure and happy, then you can plan for the times when this is not the case.

Thanks for the reply schleppenheimer,

We're in our thirties and neither of us have had more than one or two meaningful adult relationships. So I do realize that we are learning together to some degree and he has been trying to meet me halfway, and I know he has. He has said he feels younger than he is.

I just got really scared this past week with the hospital stuff because it became crystal clear that he just isn't there when something else is weighing on him. I know it's a huge deal for him this job, I do. I want to help him and he just retreats. So you think I should do nothing, not attempt contact until he's ready? You're right that is difficult! I usually put out feelers until he responds. I don't want him to think I don't care or that I don't notice he's gone. Thanks again for your thoughts.

My guess is that “alone time” is actually “fragile time”. He feels like fine crystal and may easily break.

For my part, my alone time is sacrosanct. In my better times, I have tried to explain this to my bf, and when I am in my room with the door closed, he respects that.

I know he rationally understands--I have told him that this is what I need. He probably can't understand, since he is exactly the opposite when he is under stress (he needs people and distraction). But the mutual appreciation of our differences has developed between us.

All of that being said, I have not suffered from depression (to my knowledge) so I cannot really speak to whether there is a need to intervene if professional attention to depression is required.

It's possible that he's not "there for you" because he doesn't know how, and he doesn't want to screw "it" up and create some kind of resentment. Not trying would also cause resentment, but that's likely less unpredictable to him so he goes with the devil he knows.

maybe you can respect his alone time, let him know you care with letters? you know, so he knows you care, but doesnt have to deal with social interaction. and discuss this with him when he feels less fragile.
i dont know if that is good advice. i am inexperienced with this stuff.

Contact by letters is a good idea.

You could also try the silent companion approach. Just let him know you want to be with him but you wont intrude on his alone time.

I know this sounds odd but at least for me, what makes my 'alone time' be alone is that I dont have to verbally communicate or listen to others speak but it does bring great comfort to know a loved one is there in the house with me ...for me.

Closest analogy I can think of is a dog that's there for you without nagging at you or expecting anything other than a petting session. Not to say you have to be his dog or anything but just being there silently might just be something he needs...otherwise he might brood on things in a negative direction.

Very important though, talk to him first about this and see if wants to try it out dont just get in his face and remain silent 'cause that will definetely be misunderstood as a cold shoulder treatment.

He needs alone time, lots of patience and lots of determination to encourage him not to give up with life, as well as some impetus to move on because we can't just all be slobs... right?

wow, i go through the same thing. i just asked my boyfriend what gets me out of it. he usually notices after some time and reminds me of my duties, which are many. well, actually, not so much, because we don't have children. but there are enough to keep me constantly busy. like right now i should be writing papers. really, though, separating myself is a heal/get-rid-of-anxiety time, when it all becomes too much. letters are actually a really good idea, if he checks his mail. why not try baked goods? maybe a cup of hot chocolate?

I agree with Dantac, when I am mad or sad I get very non-verbal. I have to make an effort to let NT people know I acknowledge their efforts to console me are appreciated. Honestly, if I ever suffer something utterly heartbreaking I don't think I could make that effort, and I appreciate it when my Girlfriend (NT) just holds me. I think at times the only one who gets me is my dog, even more than my Aspergers spectrum brother.

I'm 39 and crave my alone time - even more so when things aren't going well.

I have to admit that I would probably act in a similar way to the BF in the original post were it not for the fact that my parents raised me with an over-exaggerated sense of duty and obligation to others.

So purely out of duty and obligation, I would have answered your calls, listened and been truly happy to hear your good news. But after the call ended I would have silently seethed at being interrupted during a "fragile" period of time for me. I would have deeply resented it.

Upon typing that, I can see what a "jerk-like" response that is, but it's the truth and how I honestly would have felt. It also makes me think your BF might have been kinder to you in the long run by refusing to talk to you at all. In that way, he avoids the simmering resentment that things like that can allow to build up between the two of you over time.

Hope that even remotely makes sense.

Sometimes autistics are defined by their jobs much more than NTs.
Loss of a job can be a greater blow because it is also a loss of self.
This is a premo reason for withdrawal.

You might point out that taking care of you is also a job that he has accepted. 'Though you should approach this idea very carefully with him.

It sounds like he's been hit harder by the loss of his job than he cares or is able to admit. In a good moment or at least a moment where you're talking together and not in a negative way. Ask him very directly but gently if this is the case. Good luck.