Aspie BF broke up now wants reconnect need advice!

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Hello..I am 42 and my ex ASBF (undx) but quite sure he has it and it wad the source of our troubles, was 50 and we had a "sweep you off your feet" courtship that lasted until we moved in after a year together. Then it was like jekyll and Hyde in terms of change in personality.He became sullen, with drawn, sulky at times, highly sensitive and defensive and at times verbally aggressive to meout of nowhere and passive aggressivein his actions.We had an amazing sex life and it simply stopped. Conflict was impossible and he would stare at me coldly turn on his heel and walk away form me, simply ignoring any issues and saying "I dont do conflict". This lasted three months and after being ignored for two days without so much as a converstaion about what was going on, I emailed him (his preferred method of communication) and told him that if he wanted that we could move out (I had three children all teens who were with us half time)..He seemed taken aback at my email and after podering it said "I can't do this anymore" and that was it, he asked me to move out of our home that we had bought together and moved in to start a future!
Now, he seemed to feel badly but would not see me and still has not after 4 months. He helped me buy another home with the promise of me to pay him back the dwn pymt which I am, and he moved me and all my things (I think he should have). There were times where by email he would actually blame me for the breakup! he seemed to indicate that it was my fault that we were "incompatible" and that my way of solving conflict by talking was "aggressive". It seemed that his fantasy of me as a "good girl, a sweet nice girl" was burst when he saw me react in rage, sadness, confusion and anger when his behavior left me baffled. Now, I went through hell when this happened, I was completely blindsided and actually fell into a deep, self doubting depression, lost 20 lbs, had trouble going to work (I am a Nurse) and it took so much to get over it. We had little contact and then out of the blue, when I sent him a letter that really laid out some things that he was undeniably responsible for in a calm and non accustaory email, it seemed that a light bulb went off, he seemed to be happy that I had moved on with my life, had plans for a future wihthout him and had gone back to online dating which has been a total flop as I still love him. He now contacts me by email every few days and his tone is more personal. He shared with a mutual friend quite tearfully that he regrest how this happened and in fact that it was not supposed to end up this way! He knows that she has shared this with me.

The magic question is...How do I maintain this contact without shutting him down? Why does it seem that AS men or women in a relationship that gets serious-suddenly retreat? fear of intimacy? fear of failing? If i get too emotional in an an email and tell him simply "I was thinking of you today" he lets more time go by before responding and then ignores the comment, this is so hard to understand!! I know he has AS but don't know if he knows, only that he is who he is and he does not believev that he will ever change and maybe he wont. He said to our friend that we are destined to be together but he does not know what to do about it. Help please!! ! I do love this man and enjoyed the sweetest most honest love ever before we had struggles after all the change from moving in that turned his world upside down. Thank you!!

Why on earth would you want to keep in contact with him??!

Of course he regrets it. You stuck by him when he was a total pr*ck and now he has to start all that courtship crap (in his mind) with someone else, or he's feeling a bit lonely, of course he regrets it. That doesn't mean he won't turn around and act exactly the same way once it's 'in the bag' again.

Sorry, I don't mean to be rude there, but the mean nasty person is the real him, every bit as much, if not more so, than the 'nice guy' act.

I'm sorry you still love him. I really am. I can't give you any advice here, except to say finish paying him back for your house and delete all methods of contacting him (email, phone number etc..). Give yourself time to get over the heartbreak and move on.

I kno your advice is conventional wisdon but this a site for advice on dealing with Aspergers , I thought. This presents a difference in relating and behavior, I thought in the AS/NT relaionship...That is why i am looking for advice. If there was not the HIGH suspicion of AS he would be a JERK, but this adds a different element and he is emotionally mixed up...

NT girl68--Please hear me out before you dismiss what I have to say. From one woman to another (and one nurse to another), your description of your ex's behavior from beginning to end sounds like textbook Narcissistic Personality behavior, NOT AS. Not to say he doesn't have AS as well, but I doubt that's what's causing him to cause you to doubt yourself, to accuse you of being the problem, etc. My last significant relationship was with a man who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I didn't find out until he almost destroyed me with his 'crazymaking' and manipulative behaviors such as what you described. They sweep you off your feet and everything's great for a while--then once they have you they completely change, leaving you "baffled," as you put it, all the while pointing the finger at you. Then the moment you start moving on with your life--voila! They suddenly start playing as though they want you back, again telling you what you want to hear--they're kings at manipulating. Trust me when I say you are likely in for only a repeat of the same cycle over and over if you resume any relationship with him. And we nurses seem especially vulnerable to these types because we want to caretake and "fix" people. But very, very few of them can be helped. Do yourself a favor, take my advice and at least google the disorder and do a little research. I suspect you may be surprised at how much of him and your relationship you recognize. I know that's what finally woke me up and saved me. I wasted years on that man! Don't let it happen to you. Get some therapy for yourself if you find it too hard to cut off contact with him.

I agree with the fact that this is a forum for Autism/AS issues, but I feel SO strongly about supporting any other woman who is possibly being victimized by one of these defective people that I felt I had to respond.

Blondenurse puts it a lot more eloquently than I could.

I don't know if this is correct, but my thinking is that it doesn't matter what the metaphorical 'genotype' is (AS//alcohol problem/peer pressure/mommy-never-hugged-him/etc.), if the phenotype reads 'jerk' then that's what they are. After all, in a relationship, it's the phenotype you're going to be encountering on a day to day basis, and why put yourself throught that?

Unfortunately, caring people can be fooled into thinking if they fix or at least understand the underlying problem, then it will all be ok. Most of the time, that's just not enough. Sometimes the more understanding you are, the more you get taken for granted and walked over.

What reasons would it be unacceptable to be a jerK? I'm not being glib. No matter who's bad behaviour it is, they're bound to have some reason for it and it may very well be plausible. Does it mean that excuses it? Hell no! Whether he's a jerk because of his 'aspergers' (not in the diagnosis btw) or because he's never grown up, I would advise you to treat it exactly the same way.



I've heard that too. It's funny, because as a rule, I would say most nurses are completely ruthless on the wards, especially with doctors (arguably a very aspie-ish, narcisstic group people a lot of the time).

Some aspies would deliberately seek out nurses precisely for this tendency to try to help partners. I've seen it expressed as much on this forum- can't find the thread unfortunately (was a few months ago). I believe the partner was looking for a 'young naive thing with a martyr complex' Don't fall for that!

Sounds like he's not ready to live with anybody, and maybe never will be. If you did get back together, you might try living apart but staying together for a few days every so often, and gradually increase the dose till it's full-time again. That way you might get enough breathing space to solve the problems as they arise, instead of being walled up alive with the whole shebang.

AS isn't an excuse to be a jerk.