How do you know you are ready for marriage?

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There. That question should avoid reasons like "tax breaks". How do you know that you are *really* ready?

Please stay on topic: Please don't answer "I don't think I'll ever get married" or "never because I'll never meet someone, I'm so lonely". There are plenty of other threads where you can discuss that. (See the entire "Love and Dating" forum )
I want actual advice here.

Well... I don't know that there is a single switch that flips. Over the course of my life, I gave a promise ring to one partner; we were together for around four years, off-and-on; another, I was engaged to for three years. While I did believe that I would get married to the first one I referred to, there wasn't the sense of urgency for that level of commitment. With my wife, we met roughly ten years ago as coworkers... I was smitten immediately; according to her, she was rather struck as well. But there were a lot of obstacles, so we became friends. After eight years and finding ourselves both single, we began to spend time together, more often, more regular, more intense. And one visit to see her, we found ourselves talking about when we got married, before either of us had asked the other. The fact that we help make each other better is a huge component to that part of our relationship, and had reached a stage in our experiences that we'd not only learned what we didn't want in a relationship, but knew what we -wanted- out of it. That's a surprisingly important difference, I'm beginning to recognize as I read the posts of others. Not the "rule-outs" or the idealizations of fiction or imagination, but honest, simple things that matter deeply.


M.

There are a lot of factors:

In no particular order:

1. You are both finished the bulk of your formal education and/or have your career on track.

2. You both have your finances in order (debt is either eliminated or under control). You are aware of each other assets and are agreeable to legal consultation and a pre-nup agreement if there is a disparity in your assets.

3. You have discussed family planning issues including contraception, whether or not you desire to have children and how you plan on handling an unplanned and/or unwanted pregnancy (this is for hetero couples).

4. You have discussed whether you want children (by adoption or any other means).

5. You have discussed issues around intimacy (monogamous or "open")

6. You have discussed what your future plans are as individuals and as a couple. A successful couple grows together to a mutual goal.

7. You have discussed end-of-life issues (Living Wills, how you want to be buried/cremated, funeral, disposition of assets).

8. You have discussed where you want to live (city living/home/rural etc)

9. You have discussed how you will be involved in the lives of your respective families (the in-laws).

10. You have discussed how you view finances. Spender or Saver? Investment risk tolerance? What kinds of things are priorities to spend money on? This is very, very important and most marriages break down because of differences regarding finances.

11. You are aware of each others health (including the health of each others families). For example, is their genetic health concerns (e.g. Huntington's Disease). This should not stop you from marrying - it is just information that should be discussed.

Also, discuss your reasons for wanting to marry. Is it out of desire for a strong union recognized by tradition and law. Is it because you feel pressured by family?

Individually, consider how you will feel about your spouse if they get ill, have an accident which causes disability, they get old, they lose their income/assets, etc. Marriage is a long-term committment and needs to weather the storms of financial loss and physical loss.

Then there is love. I can't quite explain love, but I'll share a story about myself.

I work in a long term care facility. I was tending to someone who had just passed away. This elderly man was lying on his bed, I had positioned his body with a sheet up to his chest so that he wife of 50 plus years could view him one last time (per her request). As I looked at him, I thought about their 50 years together - the good time and hard times that they must have shared - including his diagnosis with Alzheimer's Disease in the last 10 years of his life. I had such a sense of peace when I thought of my own then boyfriend/fiance and how I wanted to spend as many years as possible with him.

I guess that's love.

I've been married happily since 2003.

Wow! Great answers so far! Thanks! (I can't wait to see what else people post!)

Agreed with above poster... if you don't agree about things such as having kids or pets, and how your parenting style will be, then that's a major problem. Also money fights are the No. 1 cause of divorce, so if that's a friction before marriage, I would very seriously consider your long-term compatibility in this regard.

I would also say that you should have known each other for at least 2 years, or a similarly long time. 6 months or a year is not enough time.

I also agree that finances, parenting issues (actual or potential), and pets are important (and often essential) issues.

Being aware of how each of you are likely to be, or to become, in the future is also important. This ranges all over the place: what kind of life do you each want in five years? Ten years? Thirty years?

Are your views and interests compatible? (They do not have to be identical, but they should be compatible, and you should each feel that in the future both of you are likely to change in ways that will, over time, synch increasingly well with each other.)

There should be a good "on balance" between you. Although it's nice to have interests in common, for example, separate interests have the potential to add to the satisfaction you both find in your relationship. The same goes for different attitudes (politics, religion, etc.), but the differences you have between you should enhance your relationship rather than detract from it.

When sex is important to either of you, it is important. (Two asexual, or not-very-sexual people can have a good relationship with each other, too. ) There should be a commonality in the way you each consider sex as a part of your individual lives and as a part of your relationship. (If either of you have atypical sexual needs or interests, your partner should be compatible with these in whatever ways are appropriate.)

You should have built a foundation of trust between you that you can depend on to increase as your relationship grows through the years. Your partner in life should be someone you can trust to act in your best interest--this is a very important part of what long-term relationships are about. You should each, always, have each other's backs. Always.

Being mutually respectful to and with each other is extremely important.

Are each of you "better," more "alive," when you are together with each other, because this other person is in your life? Are you increasingly "the best you can be" because of this other person's impact on you? Are you more "alive" because this other person exists? Do you each feel stronger, better able to take on the world or cope with the world, because the other is in your life?

Liking each other is essential. You have to LIKE each other! As people. As human beings. You have to enjoy each other. Laugh together. Play together, especially with the not-so-great chores of life. (Cleaning up pet or child vomit; taking care of each other when the other needs taking care of, doing what you must with grace and humor--even if sometimes that humor has to be black. )

Life should be and feel better because, together, the two of you are experiencing a better, more satisfying, happier reality than would be the case if either of you were with someone else, or were having to do whatever-it-is alone.

What makuranososhi and CanadianRose have said here is important; they have each made some very good points and observations.

A lot of it comes down to responsibility: can you trust each other to be the life's companion you each most want and yearn for--realizing that people do change over time...and so do the relationships those people are a part of. Can you trust those inevitable changes to work for each of you?

Is the person you commit yourself to now likely to be someone you will want to be committed to in, say, 2025?

And do they feel this same way about you?

Regardless of what life may throw at either of you?

If so, then you're likely ready to commit to each other--whether that be in an actual marriage, or in a committed relationship with the same responsibilities.

I don't think anybody can really know until they've tried it, but there are a few key questions that can take some of the gamble out of the decision:

1. Do you know what it's like to live with each other every day in the ordinary workaday world? Can you be together in a range of environments and still remain generally supportive to each other?

2. How well do you deal with conflicts? Do you tend to resolve them or do they just get fudged and lead to accumulating resentment? I've often felt that if only one test could be made, this would be it - what happens when you fight?

3. As a gut reaction, do you feel proud of your choice of partner, or do you rather suspect there could be somebody more suitable out there? Can you think of anything in particular about this person that's proved a strength for the relationship?

4. If you're going to have kids, do you have a reasonable consensus on child-rearing philosophy?

5. List your partner's main faults and shortcomings as you see them. Are you prepared to tolerate them for the rest of your life, or are you hoping to rehabilitate them after tying the knot?

6. List your main faults as your partner sees them. Do you think you can keep those faults from seriously hurting your partner, over the long term?

7. How much do you share together? Do you have a lot of overlap in your philosophies, dreams and penchants, or do you basically love completely different things?

I think the same advice is relevent to anybody considering living together outside marriage as well, and a lot of it might also be helpful when deciding whether to make a relationship sexual. They're all acts that can lead to strong bonding, and bonding with the wrong person can be rather unpleasant.

8. Are you willing to have your spouse hold you up by your legs, so that you can get a couple of boxes of Otter Pops down from the top of a supermarket cooler, and not care how silly it looks? Point being, it's good to help each other out the best you can, whilst at the same time not taking things too seriously.

Makuranososhi's story sounds a lot like mine, and I agree with everything CanadianRose says. I would note two additional things:

- Being in love is not a requirement, and may be a detriment in that it may convince you you want to be married even when it won't work out well. Note that being in love and loving each other are very different things; most people love parents/siblings/children, but they aren't in love with them, for example.

- You don't have to know that you're ready to be married before becoming engaged. You should be able to foresee that you'll know within six months, though. Then wedding preparations become a practical test of the relationship, unless the parents are taking care of everything for you.

I've been married to my first wife for 10 years, and we have two kids so far. The relationship has just gotten better and better.