Does anybody live in a shell?

Post Reply New Topic

My whole life I have felt depressed and sad and un-confident. I guess it stems from alot of bad experiences early on.

I played sports growing up, participated in cub scouts, yet I always felt like I was alone. I never talked much to any of the other kids. I always knew I was completely different. My parents and other people thought I was just shy, but I knew that wasn't shy. I felt like when I was growing up I really had no control over what I was saying. The words came out rushed and mangled with an odd tone. This much im pretty sure I KNEW even when I was really little. I learned to NOT speak. The less I spoke the less everyone hated me. I think I just learned to be quiet.

I think as more time went on, the more controlled I became of myself. All my emotions have been bottled up inside my whole life. Now im feeling really really heavy. For about the past couple of years I really depressed beyond anything. And yet I can never show it. I have learned not to show it. Every time I have tried to explain my feelings to my parents, it fell on deaf ears. They never even had a clue.

I feel like I have no idea who I am. I feel like I have too much control over myself. I hate the fact that even if I thought I had my "normal" face on, people would tell me I looked sad. Imagine if I let the way I really felt shine throw. I hate knowing people can read my sadness and depression and pity me. So I never show it.

Now I feel like the emptiest soul on the universe. I dont know who I am. I am really depressed, and I cant help but having suicidal thoughts, and glorifying it in my mind. I cant help but have only regret my whole life. Cant believe all of the opportunities I had and missed all of them. I feel like I am a shadow of what I should be.

I feel unreal like I dont exist. In some parallel world there is a completely different me that didnt f**k everything up.

and I cant sleep nomatter how I try, My eyelids feel very heavy but my brain wont shut down. The only time I can fall asleep is when I cant sleep and I have to get ready for work.

You just described my entire life. The thing that people with this illness need to realise is that it's not possible for them to help themselves on their own, they need to get help from other NT people, and they need to not be ashamed of that because it's the only way of getting better. I think it's possible to enjoy life even with a mental disposition — that's just an assumption based on past memories, since I haven't experienced happiness for a while now, but I certainly believe it's true because otherwise everybody on Earth would have killed themselves by now.

This is very close to how I felt at your age (22). Including the "parallel world me", depression, suicidal thoughts. It's pretty much identical, actually.

I felt like I was doomed to fail everything I start. My self-esteem was non-existent - result of lifetime of social failures and my girlfriend dumping me 6 months before in a really ugly fashion.

22 was also the age at which I started Aikido. It was the best decision I ever made. It changed things. Yes this is another post of mine glorifying Aikido. Or as I like to call it, spreading awareness of its irreplaceable benefits to PEOPLE LIKE US.

Sure, I'm not an NT and will never become one... but Aikido helps with the following things you listed, and by "helps" I mean DRAMATICALLY ALLEVIATES THEM.

* Feeling "heavy" with dark emotional garbage all the time, garbage that sticks to you and you start to believe it is a part of who you are, while in fact its not - this fact becomes clearer when you start to clear yourself. A lot of this garbage you pick up from other people and adopt as your own.

* Not knowing who you are. Aikido (and some other arts) can help you find your core self - to a point.

* Feeling alone. Aikido forces a limited degree of human interaction, which doesn't have to be "frighteningly social", but still your brain realizes that people accept you. It's very helping in the long run.

* Not being able to sleep. This problem is as good as gone, once you take up Aikido.

* Feeling like a piece of paper floating in the wind the moment a person pushes your boundaries.

The first 3 months I almost quit. I was frustrated and thought I'd never get anywhere in Aikido, and fail at it just like at everything else before. But I persisted, and things started to come together.

sounds like my life,sad enough
may be things will get better with time when people will become more tolerant of differences and its also this particular age is really depressing.hope that as we get older things will turn good.