How do I save my daughter from a similar fate?

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I'm a 39 year old dad with 3 kids. Rather, I married a single mom 14 years ago who had a mentally handicapped son, and I have two daughters of my own. My step son is now 21 and institutionalized; he will never marry or hold a job, this is tragic but he still enjoys it when we take him fishing.

I myself have aspergers. My middle daughter is a 'NT' and we have all kinds of conflict issues, she is 12. My youngest daughter who is 9, has been diagnosed with broad spectrum autism and this was part of the discovery of my aspergers.

I had severe problems with finding a date in my late teens or early twenties. I've had numberous challenges trying, in vain at times, to achieve independence. I've literally had 25 jobs in the 22 years since I left high school, I'm currently unemployed. I've pretty much destroyed every relationship I've been involved in, including those with extended family, and my middle child. I've 'burned bridges down to their foundations' in leaving pretty much every job I have left, and created a bad reputation for myself.

I find it terrifying that my youngest will face similar challenges and disappointments in life. Although there are some differences. She had the benefit of early diagnosis at age 4, where I wasn't aware of my Asperger's till my late 30's. There are numberous school adaptations and assisted learning opportunities at her school that I also never had. Also, I am a loving parent that wants her to have a different outcome in life than what I have lived through, where my parents were indifferent to my sufferings.

I want my youngest to be able to date in her teens or early twenties, I want her to have some type of career success, and to be happy as an adult. Still given that I haven't figured out how to do any of those things myself, I have no idea as how to help her get there?

She is very much a 'Daddy's girl' and she has my unconditional love as she is. (My parents are still trying to get me to 'force' her to be normal, which I have rejected). I love her just as she is and she knows it.

But this isn't enough. I can't stop other kids from ridiculing her when I'm not there. I won't be there for her after I've passed on. (I'm 30 years older than her).

Anybody been in a similar position? Any suggestions?

Thank you.

This is called 'Borrowing Trouble' and its completely counterproductive. ASDs present very different sets of challenges for females than they do for males, so while your girl is certain to have her issues to deal with, I'm not sure that you can really know ahead of time exactly what those will be, or how equipped she may find herself to meet them. One HUGE advantage she will have is that she will have grown up knowing absolutely that she is loved and accepted for who she is, and that's something that most of us who weren't diagnosed until adulthood have not had.

Read "Asperger's and Girls"
(http://www.amazon.com/Aspergers-Girls-T ... 156&sr=8-1)

Your daughter is likely to have an opposite problem when it comes to dating from yours: it is often easy for girls with Asperger's to get dates but it is extremely easy for them (us) to fall into the hands of predators, users, and abusers who seem to have a sixth sense for our vulnerability and naïvete. I wish my parents had done more to protect me and teach me how to avoid predators. I fell into the hands of more than one abusive man. Start now with giving your daughter books on sex education (you will find more information on that in the book I linked above). Start now in teaching her how to recognize predators and abusive men. It's far deeper than the basic "stranger danger" she will get in school. Predators aren't so obvious as a guy with a lollipop asking you to get in his car.

As for career, don't squash her interests. I couldn't tell you how many times some adult took away my book to try to force me to play outside or play with the other children. Don't let people take her books away to try to force her to socialize. Don't let people ridicule her special interests. I loved making codes and inventing languages and got so many disparaging comments from adults that I started hiding it and eventually stopped doing it because all the adults (who should know better, right?) kept telling me that I was wasting my time on foolishness. I was probably preparing for life as a linguist, but teachers, counselors, parents -- everyone wanted to squash that out of me.

Her interests will lead to her career so whether it's fixing up cars or playing with animals or making codes or dancing or whatever, if she loves to do it, do everything you can to encourage it. Even if it's something that seems disconnected with the world of work, such as collecting all the different examples of bus transfer slips in your town or learning all the model numbers for industrial fans, encourage it because you never know where it's going to lead.

First of all, you've made a wonderful start, both by identifying the Asperger's in both of you. Next, since she had an early diagnoses, she will be able to benefit from the appropriate services. Finally, there is nothing you can do to stop children from being mean. Hopefully, more schools will adopt the zero tolerance to bullying that is finally starting to catch on. In the meantime, she is lucky to have you for her father! Keep up the good work!

Lot's of kids don't have unconditional love. She is truly blessed in that.

Unconditional love is something really powerful. It can make a person want to try and can help a person ignore bullying somewhat. So you're already doing something that is helping her.

As to the challenges and disappointments in life, NT children have them too. Something that I know helps is confidence. If a person is confident, insults can have less of an impact and they are more lightly to stand up for themselves (and others).

Also, I think us Apie girls can get a date easier because guys are generally the ones who ask girls out more (much as these gender roles annoy me). So she'll probably not have the same date issues as you did. I know from experience that there are a few other issues though, like judging a guys intent. If you explain about this about the time she's been taught about where babys come from or a little after it may be helpful to her.

I hope this helps.

One thing I've learned as a parent is to accept what I'm not good at, and find a work-around. Just because you don't have a skill does not mean you can't give your child the opportunity to learn it through someone else. My daughter, for example, has some issues that I cannot relate to ... but that remind me a lot of what my younger sister went through and overcame. So, I've asked my younger sister to work with my daughter on those areas.

No parent is perfect. All we can do is love our kids and try to find opportunities for them. There are many different ways to do that.

I still haven't figured this one out, and I'm 46. The best I've been able to do is realize that when I find something unjust and it galls me, or someone makes me angry, I know that my first instinct is the wrong one. I don't know what the right thing to say is, but if I can manage to just keep my mouth shut or get away from the situation so I don't melt down, that at least helps to not crash and burn. If she has meltdowns you can help her become aware of when one is coming on and deal with it at least by leaving the situation (even just going to the bathroom) and not reacting in anger.

I didn't have a lot of boys who wanted to date me when I was young. I think it actually helped me that I'm not very pretty, and the only guys who were interested in me were sweet, nerdy guys. Perhaps you could help her realize that the best partner is not necessarily the most handsome or the smoothest talker (who could be a predator, like others have said) but someone who is a genuinely good person and is open and kind.

I think that when it comes to bullying you have to do everything you can to take it seriously. If you have to, move to another school district, send her to a private school, or homeschool. Bullying is a very difficult issue, and trying to help her defend herself may not be possible.

Best of luck. The fact that you care and are close to her makes a huge difference.