How to cope with less than perfect marriage, please help

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I have been married for 11 years. We have 2 great and absolutely adoring kids, one of whom has an autistic diagnosis (younger one). Marriage life has been really tough specially since the children came along. It didn't help that the first had to have 2 major operations before she was 1. We also had 4 deaths in the family in 1 year (2007). So I am aware that life has not been kind to our relationship but me having aspergers has been a big big issue always. Before we knew it but also now that its come to light. Believe it or not we have actually been living with a whole lot of other people(6) in a shared house in the past 2 years, and I like that because i feel less isolated and lonely mainly. But my husband seems really annoyed with me a lot of a time and it comes out when we are alone as a family. I can't remember many occasions in the last year when we have been together (just the 4 of us) having a meal that has been a happy occasion. Holidays have been even worse. I end up feeling like I want to separate from him to minimise getting hurt again and again. He says he loves me and gets very very upset when I talk about separation (he ends up being low for weeks following my rejectfull conversations). I find even the thought of accepting a marriage that is not close and happy extremely difficult to fathom. I feel trapped. I don't want to cause the kids any damage and that feels like the main reason I have stuck with it so far, but also during a working week when he is mostly at work, thing go ok. We hardly see eachother alone in the 5 working days. Weekends and holidays (he is a teacher so we get a lot of them) are usually very bad, with me having massive fights with him and then melting down. I am a moral person, don't believe in the right of seeking what (I think) is best for me. I just want us to be a happy family javascript:emoticon(':cry:') Can anyone see some insight to this, do you have a similar experience???

If a friend of your came to you asking advice on what to do here, what would you suggest to them?

Which of you usually starts the arguments when they happen?

Also, you have a right to be happy in your life and you have the right to ask for it.

Did you ever see the movie Edward Sissorhands? He cuts the people he loves if he gets to close to them-- he ends up making statues of them in his house all alone.

I relate to him because sometimes it hurts to be around people I love. I think this is part and parcel with my autism-- the neural connections that store information about how important my family is to me never stop getting stronger, so seeing them just keeps getting more intense. I have to find a compromise between close and distant to make my relationships work.

I was married for twelve years, and holidays and weekends were always more stressful. I never stop changing, and my ex-wife did, so we just kept growing apart. Plus, I'm gay so we never should have been married in the first place and the growing apart was actually a good thing. And we didn't have kids. So getting divorced felt more tragic than it was.

So my experience is both very similar to and very different from yours.

I think if you want to stay with your husband you need to cultivate shared interests. Find things other than your kids that can enjoy together. Does he share your special interests? Can you develop an interest in something that fascinates him? Aspie relationships work best when they are content-based. Yeah, you're both interested in your kids, but that's going to be too emotionally fraught for you to find a safe space to relax and connect with him.

Its normally me who brings things up. He could be really upset about stuff and we could be in eachother's presence for a considerable time, but he wouldn't say anything. He has tried to change and very occasionally brings an issue that needs resolving up. I used to get very animated and still do if I get really angry but I have tried very hard to change and to say thing quietly and in as much a monotone as possible as he seems to freeze if I display any negative emotion. Over all, our life circumstances mean we don't get a lot of time alone together.
Yes I have seen the film Edward Sissorhands. The thing is as hard as I try to not make him upset he still does. So I am feeling I am not accepted and loved despite what he says.
As for shared interests they are far and few in between. There used to be a lot before the children, we used to love doing things together like playing cards, snooker, cinema, meals out, etc. He still wants to go and play snooker or play cards but I don't. I have totally lost interest in playing games of any sort. I just want to talk most of the time but he doesn't. We still go out to a restaurant every now and then but the chances of these working out well is 50-50.
writing the original post I realised that in a way we are already living separate lives and that is partly why when we are all together it doesn't work very well.

Are there enough responsible and capable people in your household that you can now get away for day trips--just the two of you?

If so, perhaps planning a day trip each weekend to do some sort of tourist type activity close to home together with your spouse will help you get closer. It may not be possible to find stuff you both really like--perhaps you could alternate between your choices, or have more than one activity on a day. Maybe someone could pick a museum, and the other picks a great place to eat.

There were two major red flags in your post that jumped out at me. This was the first one.



And this was the second.

Have you considered counseling? In my opinion, your marriage is in deep trouble and you need to talk to a professional.

And regarding your kids ... seeing their parents so unhappy is already "causing them damage".

Please talk to someone. You have nothing to lose. Good luck

Have you been in touch with Relate? They are the old marriage guidance people, although they now deal with all sorts of relationships.

http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

Thank you all for trying to help. We have had counselling (marriage and individually) and been on a marriage course too and all of these have helped though they don't really address issues faced specifically due to having AS. I guess I would like an easy ride with no pain and maximum gain. Life isn't always easy and things don't always work out they way we want them to, sadly . That said I don't think I am about to give up yet. And yes as our marriage is rocky and very difficult at times, it is impossible to shield the kids from that completely but I firmly believe that it would be much worse for them if we split up. And I really do believe it is not right to seek ones own happiness at any cost. I am sorry if that is something that worries you CaroleTucson. But we live in a society that constantly over floats the importance of seeking self pleasure and interest. But when I look at history I find that I admire most the lives & choices of those who sacrificed themselves for the good of others, like mother Theresa, William wilberforce, William Tyndal, Ghandy and Martin luther king to mention a few. I believe in the good of seeking the interest of others before ones self even if I act and feel selfishly most of the time.

You say you want to have a happy marriage, and you don't want to seek personal happiness at the expense of the other people. I understand both of those. But you also have to look at the marriage as not something that just happens to be happy. One example I read about happiness in life in general that particularly made sense to me is: some people say they are looking to find the happy relationship or life or the right thing for them. Would you expect to walk into the kitchen and find the right breakfast, eggs, coffee, and toast sitting there? It isn't just "there" it only exists because you sort through the ingredients available and prepare something. I don't know if this analogy will make sense to you but it spoke to me. My point is, you don't just happen to end up in a "happy" relationship or a "unhappy" relationship, you have various components and you make something out of it. Sometimes, you don't have the right ingredients in front of you no matter what. You can make something unsatisfying anyway or you can go out and get more or you can through the whole thing in the trash. At other times the ingredients are there but the dish you have prepared is unpalatable and you have to keep working to make something good. I can't say what is the case in your situation but I will say you aren't going to just be looking around one day and find it, nor should you assume that because you look around and you don't find the prepared dish, it's not possible.

Now, enough with the breakfast. I think having alone time with you and your husband and family time with just the 4 of you is imperative to the relationship working. This may well mean (and probably should) a different housing situation in time. For now though, it will require making that time, setting boundaries with the other house occupants, and scheduling that time back into your lives. Another thing, you said you used to have shared interests, but now you don't feel like doing the things he wants to and he doesn't feel like talking like you want to. You have grown apart, you have spent less time together. Even the best friends who move away and spend a lot of time away from each other, when they meet again, things have changed. If you want to re-establish the relationship you have to spend time together doing things that cause you to see the other person as someone you value and care for, not just someone doing utilitarian things in the family. That means you spending time with him in the activities he still wants to do but you aren't interested in, and him spending time with you talking. Don't just talk about your relationship or how bad you feel, talk about other unrelated things. Remember when you first got together or when you first meet somebody you like or want to be friends with, WHAT you are doing together is not as important as the fact that you get to spend time together, so sometimes you do things you aren't really excited about but it is okay because you get to spend time with the other person. People learn habits over time and you have to replace some of the negative habits that you've learned to respond to the other person with (you: stating problems with as little emotion as possible, him: distancing from problems and silent treatment) with positive habits and positive experiences spent together so you will be able to communicate again without falling into these patterns. Right now neither of your reactions to the problem issues is helping solve them so pursuing those negative patterns isn't useful; even if a problem occurs and neither of you bring it up at all it could cause less damage to the relationship than the current scenario.
In terms of shielding the kids, I'm certainly not an advocate of "staying together for the kids" but it doesn't sound like this is the issue here. As long as you have basic ground rules... there isn't physical violence or threat of it, screaming, name calling etc. you don't have to pretend that everything in your daily lives is perfect in front of your kids, they know its not anyway. What they are learning from you is how to resolve difficulties in relationships. If what they learn is that you bring up problems and your husband is silent this isn't a very healthy dynamic as you've already realized. It would be best to discuss disagreements, serious issues, financial concerns, differences of opinion on anything related to the kids, etc out of their earshot, but in terms of the day to day things that happen in front of them, showing them that disagreements can happen and be resolved pleasantly or are not a big deal is more valuable.

One further thing if Asperger's is at the root of some of the issues as you've mentioned, and may be more of an issue for your kids as well as they get older, you might want to seriously consider finding a counselor who specializes in this area. Your husband will need more insight into it and it might help more than a traditional counselor. I've also noticed that traditional counselors seem to be advocates of talking about all problems, which most men, including your husband, don't seem to respond well to. If you like "self help" type of books (I do) I found this one to be useful (don't be put off by the title), it is definitely good in terms of dealing with men who get upset and don't want to discuss issues, and in terms of sorting out for yourself what your needs are and what you can and can't do in the relationship: http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage- ... 0767923170

Thank you Grendel. This is the most helpful respond I have received. I can see the analogy with the meal and it clicks well. A happy marriage certainly in my case isn't just gonna happen one morning. I have to work at it. I am ashamed to say a lot of a time, certainly now I feel so low, I just don't feel very able or willing to try and make things better. Its not good. But I understand it a lot better now. I perhaps stupidly thought that it happens just like that for some people. We felt like we were a perfect match at first all those years ago.
As for children yes, I do again agree with you but as my anger is often spontaneously released, it has not been possible to not have shouted in front of them. Though we do try, specially as my husband normally refuses point blank to talk in front of them.
I will look up the book. It matters a lot to me that they have a good idea of what marriage is meant to be like and that is something else that gets me so low.
I am actually really struggling with my current counsellor who doesn't know anything about Autism and seems to think it makes no difference anyway. I keep thinking that it would be much better to have someone who knows, but it is hard finding that kind of counsellor. Maybe I should contact NAS.
Thank you again for your valuable advice.