LTR as an Aspie female -A challenge or an impossibility?

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I wonder.

I was married for 15 years and then divorced. I've had a couple of boyfriends and a number of dates (nothing to write home about since I hate dating) in the 13 years since my divorce. I few of those were nice guys that just didn't work out long term and a few of them turned out to be right abusive or nutso as*holes that I cut from my life like melanoma. So, here's the thing....

I"m an intelligent, educated, attractive, fit, fairly worldly woman. I'm high functioning in that I can make up for my Asperger's limitations socially in limited spurts. I support myself and I keep a lovely home and have raised 2 wonderful kids.

But....and it's a BIG BUT.....I am NOT like NT women that every man expects.

This is what I find causes problems once it gets to a possible relationship. Men will expect me to act and do everything like other NT women do even though I have repeatedly told him, as I do everyone who gets to know me that I'm not.

For instance: I HATE...let me repeat...I HATE!! !! Shopping. Try and get this to sink into any man's head and it's like talking to a brick. It does not compute into his framework of what women are like. Suddenly he's in a relationship and he expects that I'm going to want to do all the shopping, even for HIS s**t. I mean WTF?

Also, socializing. I have my set time to socialize and my set times I like my privacy. I do NOT like to have people sprung on me at all times. Somehow men just don't get this, They figure if you are a woman you MUST like kvetching with people 24/7. Seriously

Then there's the "me time" or "personal space" issue. I have to have my alone time and it's much more then most people, not to mentions most women for that matter. If I tell a guy that, at the beginning all understanding (haha yeah right), and says he's so glad to hear that because he likes his time too. But, once again, here we go, into the relationship, suddenly my alone time becomes a big issue/problem. I've had guys get angry and belligerent just because I need my alone time and they don't get it. I guess they are all used to clingy women and they don't believe a woman would just like to be alone sometimes.

Then I could add as well as all the social responsibilities, and shopping, all of the other traditional female things are suddenly expected of you, not that I don't like many traditional female things, but lots of them shouldn't be assumed either - just as I don't get all doey eyed and assume that a guy is going to start taking care of my car and fixing everything around the house. But it just doesn't seem to sink in with guys for some reason.

Let's not even mention how it's expected that the woman will do all of the emotional work in the relationship. OI.

So yeah....will I ever find a guy that I'm attracted to who also gets it that I'm not an NT? Right now, I highly doubt it. I'd like to be more positive, but I don't know...

I wonder what qualities they must have to be compatible with us?

I enjoy socializing as long as the people don't mess around or create drama. That is all I can say.

crocus, I could have written this. No lie. I'm the same way. I understand that my problems with relationships begin and end with me, but there's just no way to bridge my gap, at least not one that I can see. Unfortunately, this can be such a "subtle" disability at times that there's just no explaining it to someone else (I've tried, too). And then you have to rely on their powers of observation/perception, and that just ain't happening with most people.

I don't miss traditional companionship, I think I just miss sex and I miss the feeling of "you don't stick out like a sore thumb because you're part of a couple and we know you're 'safe' and how to pigeon-hole you." I will *always* hate the persona I have to put on, every day, but there were some benefits.

This resonates with me. Gender roles have always bothered me, I mean, really gotten under my skin and I absolutely seethe inside when they get forced on me.

There was nothing quite so rage inducing than breastfeeding in the middle of the night while my husband never missed a snore. The physical sensation of it put me on edge, I was exhausted and he never fluttered an eyelash. So many nights...I just wanted to kick him. But what logical good would it do to wake him when he was impossible to wake? So I roared and wimpered inside, because it was the one time I couldn't fight the gender role.

Other times I have, and at this point I have completely gone on strike. He never understood my need for alone time and my interests, and as I've learned about how I'm wired and the fact that I am (most likely) an AsperGirl, he refuses to believe. He resents and blames me for my differences--like they are an insult to him done with great malicious intent--yet he refuses to leave. So...I guess I'm envying the single life--it's not as if I'm getting laid anyway.

I guess I am very fortunate.
My husband has always known I was different, part of why he said he wanted a relationship with me.
He knows I hate shopping, he's the one that seems to notice when we need something and gets it or replaces the one that needs replacing.
He respects my need for alone time and for routine.
Not that we have a perfect relationship but we have made it work.

What's LTR?

long term relationship.

I think you just have to keep looking. For me the thing that makes me wonder if I'm capable of a good relationship (as an Aspie male) is the proneness to being clumsy with other people's feelings. I tend to think I wouldn't be happy with anybody who was clumsy with mine. But I think the answer is all in the heart - if two people really want to look after each other, they'll find a way through. There are workarounds just like there are for any interpersonal problems. Just a matter of who has the balls to get the work done.

For the opposite argument, read Maxine Aston and throw in the towel now - but I'm sure she's wrong.

Hi crocus,

It's definitely a challenge. One of the things that I've noticed is that I always ended up either with nice guys who just didn't get me or with abusive jerks. The first type, because they could never read me, the second type because I could never read them. Fortunately, I have a lot of support in my community so both my boyfriend and I have a lot of help figuring out how to make it work and it also helps that even though he is not on the spectrum, he is OCD and very stubborn about finding a way to work things out between us. That probably answers greeneyes' question.

I know it's possible to do, but ToughDiamond is right, it's hard work and it won't come easy to you or your partner, even if he's NT, but if both of you are committed to seeing it through it can have great rewards. The good news is, we on the spectrum don't give up so easily.

Thanks everyone for your replies

It's going to take me a bit to respond to them. I was feeling kind of down about stuff earlier this week when I wrote this...my mind going over a lot of stuff from the past year and my life etc. I also had a really busy week but the good news is I finally finished a training program for work that I had to put on hold for a while due to anxiety problems. So, I celebrated tonight!!

Replies coming up...

yeah i can relate to a great deal of this. i am currently married, and my husband is very understanding, but i know that sometimes dealing with me is stressful and mysterious to him.

i *hate* having company over. at all. ever. don't care if it's family, friends, or the queen - i will try to avoid it at all costs. women are supposed to love having people over right?

i can't handle redecorations or having the furniture moved. i put things in a certain place or set them up in a certain way, and i want it to stay like that. aren't i supposed to want to fancy up the house?

i leave the house with stains on my clothes, or smears of sunscreen on my face (i wear thick pasty stuff), or in a few cases i've had my shirt on inside-out or unmatching shoes without even realizing it. i do get slightly embarrassed when i finally see it, but sometimes i forget to notice i guess. it seems like women are supposed to be impeccable all of the time.

i like to dress in a way that is fun or cool or interesting according to my own opinion, not according to what might be sexy or fashionable to other people. i told one woman at work about a place i like to buy clothes, and she basically said that it is a store for younger women than me. i guess NT women maybe care about that?

i don't keep track of extended family birthdays, anniversaries, etc. very well, and i hardly care about weddings & baby showers etc. my husband tries to say it is my job to take care of that stuff as the girl, but i laugh at him and say no way - my job is to be tech support!

I'm working on that list. When I'm done, I will post it. I think it will then become obvious why I try not to despair that it's an impossibility. The logical part of me is going, "Look at the math!! !" hrmph :S

Yeah, "messing around and creating drama" are only 2 of the many reasons that socializing is not my bag. I can do it, but it taxes me greatly.

So true. The problem with the powers of observation and perception is that they are filtered thru the NT screen and if they are not, then there is also the gender bias of perception. In truth very few people are enlightened and truly free of biased perception or even willing to be open to seeing another way of perceiving and experiencing existence, in respect to the fact that others experience the world differently than they do. THAT is what feels so dismally alienating, like being stuck behind the Berlin Wall before it came down.




I miss it sometimes. Like I said, I have a greater than average need for alone time, but I do miss companionship and the physical intimacy as well.

I know what you mean about "sticking out". Getting to a certain age and being single is a pain in the ass. Most people are in couples. Those who are single are not necessarily always those I want to socialize with. Singles also threaten those of the same gender. People can be such asses about that really. Honestly, I find jealousy so ret*d.

I have 2 kids and I breastfed them both. I remember those nights and yes, sleep deprivation is a b***h from hell. I remember feeling quite hateful toward my husband back in those days as well, as he lay there like a mummy, that couldn't be woken from a dead sleep by a wailing infant right next to him. It's amazing what men can tune out isn't it? I ended up dealing with by being grateful. I realized that I was given the gift of the bonding with my infants that he would never share. Never sleeping through the night for months on end was still a b***h, but seeing it in a different light helped me. It's the ingrained biological differences that we can't get away from that are actually a benefit and not a drawback.

The other enforced gender differences, are another matter entirely. Those can often, make me want to spit nails.

I've told a so-called maintainance man that he didn't know what the hell he was talking about, when he came to fix a toilet in one of my apartments. I wanted to tell him he was a f**king moron, but I curtailed my disgust and kept it polite even after he argued with me about basic plumbing, assuming because I was a woman I knew nothing about plumbing. I finally got fed up and just said, "Leave now". Figured out what was wrong and fixed it myself with my own tools. This kind of s**t happens almost on a daily basis.

I always love gender split groupings at big family gatherings. Those are my all-time favourite.





Sorry to hear that. I know what it's like. Crappy.

You are very fortunate