Living alone again after many years with others

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I will be 66 next month, and last December I had to move out from my room-mates after living with them for 5 years. They were my step-daughter, her husband and children, and we had moved from one town to another closer to where they worked, and it was a smaller house. They are having another child, and the house was too small for a room-mate and their family life, plus it's a disadvantage to a young couple to have a roomer.

I had to move into a senior housing complex in Santa Rosa, so as to be practical; I knew it wouldn't work to move to an independent apartment with no one else around that I knew. I do have one old friend in the same building, which helps a little, but I don't socialize well, so I don't actually visit often. At least in this place, there's always a few people coming and going from the community building in front, and I can say "good morning" from my balcony.

In moving to an apartment, I had to give up having a garage workshop, so I only have a few woodworking tools in the apartment, only some of which I can occasionally use due to the noise issue. I loved hanging out a lot in the garage workspace during the five years I was with the kids, now that's gone. Also, the son-in-law worked late, and I enjoyed being there when he returned from work, I'd listen for his motorcycle and open the garage door for him, and we'd hang out a little, and sometimes one of his friends would come over, so I had a little company most late nights. I really miss that, and of course big changes are always stressful.

It has been difficult in this first year to adjust to living alone after so long (about fifteen years with others, including a 9 year non-working marriage which is now over). I've lost interest in many long-term activities and pre-occupations, so it's hard to fill the time. Aches and pains, and sometimes the weather, make it hard to get out of the apartment sometimes, and I've always tended to isolate to some extent.

Since I can't afford premium cable tv, I have only basic basic, so there's not a lot to choose from there and I channel surf a lot, and much of the time just turn the tv off and pace around or take naps. A lot of the time I try to watch CSPAN, which sometimes has good stuff but is often maddening or boring because the world of politics hasn't changed in thousands of years and has shown its limits. PBS, likewise, sometimes there's something very interesting, but often not. At least the cable does give me 3 PBS stations to choose from.

The vast majority of contemporary movies haven't interested me for decades, and after watching all the flicks I have on hand, I can't watch them again for a year or so, and sometimes more. It's hard to keep occupied mentally. When I was a lot younger, it was the opposite case.

I try to press on regardless, but often feel a bit depressed and hopeless, seeing that I haven't found any outside activities in the new town. There are a few folks I know from the Siva Kalpa family living in this town, but they are NT and are not really attracted to me, never call me, and I gave up a lot on trying to socialize with them long ago, as it seemed to be a one way relationship, where I visited them but no reciprocation (I haven't met anyone in the group who is AS, at least as far as I know).

Before the disasterous marriage, I was better at taking care of myself, cooking and cleaning, and I haven't yet been able to develop a new routine. I hope I can improve my attitude over time, but at present I don't feel much confidence yet.

Trying to deal with life in the old age lane ...

Regards, John

It is tough. I've been alone for a while now too. Have you thought about getting involved with something like Habitat for Humanity or something similar? Or a community reclamation project or teach people in the complex woodworking? I know I am more of a tinkerer and would have loved to have someone show me how to do woodworking.

I don't watch TV much at all these days. But, if you do have internet access from your apartment you can get most shows and many movies online these days without cost. I would also recommend going for a good walk if you can each day to help combat depression. I am not a people person either, so it hard for me to give you any pointers on meeting potential new friends. I do think people become more tolerant of idiosyncrasies as they get older, so AS might not be as big a bridge for you in dealing with your peers. Don't be afraid to say hello and offer a friendly card game or whatever you might both like. Lastly, you shouldn't just let your friendship with your son-in-law and family disappear. Invite him over for a beer or to watch a ballgame.

Excellent idea! You would be contributing something very useful to the community and working your way out of your little funk at the same time.

I'm not far from your age and I know what you're going through. But I think the last thing you want is to spend your days on the couch as a TV zombie. Myself, I tossed mine out the window when I retired. It's just too easy to let it become your lord and master. Now, two plus years later, I find I don't miss the damn thing in the least.



Another great idea. This is exactly what I do, and I've found it's very difficult to be depressed when you've just hiked/walked/run five or six miles or more. If I'm in a black mood, I know if I can just force myself up off my butt and get outdoors and move, I can work my way out of the mood.

With the layoffs in education, you could probably volunteer your way into a school shop, if you are OK with high activity periods. A friend of mine was stuck with a yearly period when other classes were giving exams, and there was no time to start a new project in the shop. I came in to give a basic lesson in engineering, and direct the kids in building box beams of various proportions, which they then stood on to break. It was pretty popular.

I've gotten along my whole life without TV, but after a decade of surfing, I can barely read a book any more.