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When I talk to someone, I draw a box around their eyes in my mind and I keep my eyes inside that box for the whole conversation. Some people say it's intimidating.

Does anyone else do that?

No, my eyes wander all over the place if I let them. Funny that you should focus all your attention on someones eyes like that. Growing up, I use to look off in the distance while talking with someone. When I tried to talk and make eye contact, I lost track of what I was trying to say. I couldn't do both at once. But, we would have these staring contests where two people would lock eyes and the first to flinch lost. I could go on for an hour doing that without blinking. My mind would just phase out and I don't think I took in any sensory information.

Last edited by sluice on 06 Nov 2010, 10:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Someone taught me how to do it, because I had problems looking people 'in the eyes'.
It took practice, but it's second nature to me now.

Thanks for answering. I've been lurking for a few days and didn't know how to get started...I hate writing introductions. This whole Aspergers thing kind of blindsided me. I have so many questions.
How do we know that 'normal' people don't have these same problems, but maybe they're just better at overcoming them?

There is no right way. This sub-forum does seem to get a lot less traffic than some of the others. You might want to try posting in the General Section at the top if you want some quicker replies.

I do think that normals (they call them neurotypicals here) do have many of the same problems. It is just how they deal with them that usually differs. Better at overcoming them is probably a good description of it. They do outnumber us something like 150 to 1, so their way is typically by default the correct way. I know I will problem-solve using logic and reason, while tending to discard my emotional response. I think that comes off as cold and calculated to some people.

Nice to meet you. If you have more specific questions, you can ask me here, though like you I have only known about this for a relatively short time. Most people here don't bite. I wouldn't worry about asking too many questions. If you want, you can also use the pm feature to ask somebody a question privately.

Welcome.
Different cultures expect different amounts of eye contact. White Americans find periodic contact friendly and reassuring, but for blacks it can be intimidating. When they try to copy whites, they have an awkward learning period. Constant contact is probably excessive anywhere. You can observe other people in groups or in meetings. They often look away to think of what to say, and then use eye contact to hypnotize the listener when they have a point to make.

No, I naturally look down and to the left, or sometimes directly to the left, when speaking with people. I find it is much easier to focus on what they (or even what I) am saying this way. I'm aware that most people associate looking down and to the left with lying, but from what I've read, it is associated with auditory recall (I can't speak on the veracity of this claim, however), which I find interesting--if true--because it makes me think that I am perhaps recalling the sounds of speech and what they mean in real-time as they happen or as I need to produce them.

This hasn't remotely been true in my experience. I think it's a bit offensive to generalize racially! I know you don't mean it that way, but "black" culture is just as diverse as "white" culture, which is pretty dang diverse. Comfort with eye-contact is a personal thing, not a racial thing.

Eye-contact when conveying an opinion is communication. You watch to see that the other person is understanding you, and adjust your tone and speed based on their expressions. If their eyes narrow and their eyebrows draw in, you know they're probably disagreeing. If their eyes widen and they smile a little, they're probably in agreement. It is, unfortunately, exactly the kind of non-verbal cues that people on the spectrum can find very difficult to read intuitively.

I like the "box around the eyes" trick, however. I'll pass that on. Even when you're uncomfortable with eye contact, it's a good social tool to have when you're around NTs who aren't accustomed to the spectrum. That said, when I see someone interacting with their eyes down and to the side, it's sometimes the first indication that they're spectrum, which helps me shift my expectations. If a NT is avoiding my eyes, they're deeply uncomfortable about something, or just want to get away from the conversation as quickly as possible.

I hate eye contact, unless it's with someone I'm close to.
I don't even like looking at the face of people, which is a problem as my APD means I rely on lip reading to make sure I'm getting everything that's said.
So in a stressful situation, I won't look at the person talking to me at all, and thus won't hear what they're saying either.

I just nod my way through and miss everything.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply. I really appreciate it. It's kind of amazing to be able to ask y'all about this stuff; I've been finding ways to deal with my wierdness for almost thirty years and to find out that other people have been doing the same thing all along really makes me excited...Like I've been groping my way alone through a dark tunnel all this time and now suddenly I've found others who are doing the same thing.

What about pre-planning conversations? is that an aspie thing? Before I talk to anyone I do this, because otherwise I'll get panicky and either say something stupid (and probably offensive) or shut down completely. I make a list of things to talk about with a specific person, then plan each potential conversation out in my head. Is this an Aspie thing?

Oh, yes, making "scripts" seems very common - it was discussed several times. I do it especially with phone conversations (which are particularly stressful for me) and get quite flustered if something unexpected happens.

Are you familiar with Tony Attwood's "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome"? It's a good place to start.

I've actually got it on order at the library. Most of the books they have are about Autism in children, but they've still been very helpful.

Check your inbox - I've sent you a message

I was quoting a book I read about cultures, eye contact, etc, rather than trying to suggest that eye behaviour was linked to race rather than a culture that is usually defined by race and location. And, I'm glad to hear that the demarcations are fading in general. I knew an engineer in Silicon Gulch who was indistinguishable from his fellow geeks except that he was black, and thus too confusing for the dating circuit, even for geeks.
Anyway, you will still find cultures where eye contact has different degrees of meaning and politeness. Some places, it is akin to witchcraft.