Relationship problems; help!

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I am currently seeing a guy whom I love very much. However, there is a problem developing for us. He has trouble speaking up when something is bothering him! He is very shy, and communicates really well until it comes to personal stuff. Worse, he gets upset if I try to talk about things; especially if it is about our relationship. One day I initiated a discussion, because there were a couple of things that I felt needed to be talked about. He started pacing around and picking things up and putting them down, hard. He seemed to be misunderstanding everything I was saying, and I felt really uncomfortable. I pointed out that if he got like this when I wanted to just talk, it didn't bode well for this relationship! I think he was scared that we were about to break up.

I am really worried that if something really big comes up, we won't be able to work it out because of how emotional he gets when I want to talk seriously. Does anyone have some good input for us?

P.S. I didn't think this was appropriate for the love and dating section, because we are in a relationship, not just dating. thanks!

I suspect I know him from inside - very likely an Enneagram 5w4. You should check out where you two fit on that, helps a lot sorting stuff out. If he is what I suspect, he will find it intriguing.

Me, I can go very like that - I CANNOT handle too much emotion too fast and too energetic. I need time and spce to process.

Maybe try saying one thing at your lowest intensity, then giving time and space for absorption?

I'm very similar to that myself... I can be one of the most talkative people out there, but start asking me something personal (as in, emotional, or "taboo", or embarrassing stuff) and my mind shuts down... sometimes I can get through it and yeh, curl up, start fiddling with something, don't look at the other person, but sometimes my mind goes completely blank, and just start having a thought go around and around in my head like "why cant I think about that? whats wrong with me, I just can't think about it... I mean I'm thinking, but I don't know any answer to the question or what I was feeling," just keeps floating around, and I don't progress anywhere thoughtwise until topic changed...

This once happened when I was at a career counselor trying to find out what kind of job I'd like, and they asked something like "what life goals do you have?" or "what do you value the most?" something... and I just broke down and started crying... I couldn't stop it from happening, I just couldn't think of an answer, and didn't understand why I was completely incapable of formulating a thought about it...

But its not so much that I'm incapable, its that I'm incapable around others. I use the internet as my emotional release... discuss all my feelings and emotions via forums/IMs. I can get extremely detailed, and can discuss it without breaking down because they aren't looking at me, and aren't watching my reactions, and I don't see their dissaproving expressions, etc... just get their words at face value, and don't have to see them disgusted or grimancing or laughing at my problems. It also allows me to have time to formulate my thoughts and try to figure out whats going on, so I don't have to get that whole "deer in headlights" syndrome where my brain shuts down because I can't think of something fast enough, and the other is expecting a response. Lastly, it allows me to have some distance between what I'm saying and me... that extra layer of emotional distance allows me open up, where normally I close down because its too much/overwhelming to me :X

Because of that... maybe you guys can try discussing such things online... even if your in same place, if in different comps and texting or IMing back and forth to each other... it might allow him to open up to you without the social pressure (even if just 2 of you, 1 other person still provides social pressure).

I know I'm going to have to tell my future significant other that I have hard time talking about such things in person, and would prefer to do it via aim or something... (or if they don't mind me curled up under 5 comforters and mumbling answers as I rock back and forth not looking at them...)

You can bring it up via email if you want... like

"Hey _____, I'm sending this to you by email, because I feel we need to talk about this, and was wondering if typing it up would be easier for you. I'd prefer to speak in person, but you keep avoiding any emotional or personal discussions, limiting our options. I know its hard to think about such things, but we need to be able to communicate if we want the relationship to keep working... I'm open to trying to discuss this over email or IMs if it helps you open up to me..."

I don't know, clearly it has to be your words, but it might help... (although, that may not be the outcome you want, but after opening up a few times, and realizing you don't judge him/things don't change (much, who knows what'll be said xD) when he next sees you, he may start opening up in person more...)

But come to think of it, I wrote him a letter one time, and he still got upset and insisted on talking to me face to face, as opposed to writing back. This defeated the whole purpose of a non emotional confrontation. It made it tough on both of us. I strongly suspect that he may have been involved with ugly scenes with one of his ex girlfriends! So he is expecting to have one with me, maybe.

Thank you, Stone_man!

So... has anything changed? ^^ Just curious... suppose its only 1-2 weeks, but still! Never know, something coulda happened~

I admit that I'm a bit blank when it comes to typical Asperger responses--my brother and I have reacted differently to some pretty rough times--but given your fella's reactions I'd guess that he's had a really hard time with emotional confrontations in the past. For example, if he was bullied or had a domineering parent, getting tipped over into strong emotion may have resulted in some sharply negative results.

In his head, the things that you say or the conflict you're having may be spiraling into something much bigger than it really is. He may be confronting you directly rather than in letters because he believes it's going to go badly no matter what he does, and he just wants the trauma over as quickly as possible. Personally, when I come into conflict, I have a really bad habit of immediately leaping to the conclusion that the terrible outcomes are the most likely. So I get upset, fatalistic, and sometimes shoot myself in the foot.

Take this all with a grain of salt--I could be completely off the mark. But it sounds like he might benefit from a neutral therapist getting him to examine the reasons for his anxiety so that he can recognize what's happening. Basically, cognitive therapy might help him retrain the thought patterns so that when he starts to wind up, he recognizes it and learns techniques to tame the anxiety with logic. Honestly, it sounds like a pretty deep problem that could sneak up and hurt him in unexpected situations, even outside of your relationship. If a therapist is out of the question, there might be a relevant self-help book. Most of them are garbage, but there's got to be a few that aren't condescending.

If you were trying to get me to open up, I'd suggest starting slow, and only raising one issue per session. I'd start with little issues that you don't care about, and reach a conclusion that makes life more comfortable for him. It may take a very long time for him to even identify his feelings enough to talk about them. I have gotten a lot of use from pages that just list possible feelings to check for. Very often, discussions about relationships gloss over false assumptions so fast that it takes me days to dig out the root of my discomfort.