I suppose he could be telling the truth - that he's hidden his own nature and worn masks for 4 years, unbeknown to you, and finally run out of energy. But unless he's rather older than you are, I'm surprised that he could have learned all the scripts he would have needed, to so successfully keep you in the dark for all that time. It doesn't surprise me that he's worn out.
I left my first wife quite suddenly, but for different reasons - she'd been rather hurtful and uncaring in our early years, I'd objected, we'd fought, I'd won mostly but somehow felt that the very fact that I'd had to use so much pressure on her had tainted the whole deal....I was rather a romantic idealist and I felt that what I really needed was somebody who just wanted to make me happy in the first place, somebody who had the compassion and sensitivity to get it right without subjecting me to a string of disappointments through taking me for granted and not valuing our quality time together. She'd ceased to seem like she was a part of me, and not realising this, I just went through the motions of getting married etc. Not knowing of AS, I also walked into the trap of trying to live with somebody without expecting it to be difficult. I had little time for her, she panicked and became clingy, I panicked and built a wall to keep her pressure out, and it just got worse and worse. I became wide open to other women who were interested in me, because with them I felt I wasn't flogging a dead horse, because they hadn't got close enough to me to hurt me yet. Mostly I left because I knew my adulterous feelings were inappropriate in a marriage.
But that's rather different from this guy's story. I can just about imagine myself doing what he's done though. These days I tend to keep silent about stuff in relationships that scares or disappoints me, and I think I've sometimes begun relationships simply because I feel incomplete without them, and because they were available, and to some extent I've tried to just "fit in" and hide my negative feelings in case they turned out to be socailly unacceptable. Particularly anything that might get me labelled as possessive - these days I'd likely just feel the jealousy and say nothing, but I wouldn't forget the pain, I'd find myself growing more distant until it couldn't hurt me any more, and I'd rather dump a partner pragmatically for provoking too much jealousy, than maintain my commitment and try to change their behaviour.
So I think I can just about see where he's coming from. I've heard from other Aspies that when they try to fit in, they might seem to do a great job, e.g. attending a big party, and the people who laid that responsibility onto them may be very proud of them, but the Aspie will not share this pride, they may only feel abused. I've done that myself, and I'd like the people who did that kind of thing to me to understand that, but I haven't said a word, because I feel that they'll just feel ashamed of me if I told them how I really felt. My choice seems to be to either make a caricature out of myself or to be blunt and make them hate me. My only hope is to find the middle road.
What he's done to you is horribly unfair. I think the birth of the child probably has a lot to do with it.....looks like he's failed to bond, and quite likely that's what's pushed him over the edge. Parenthood is a colossal adjustment, and if he feels he's a rotten father, he has no reward for his predicament. Whatever it is, he's probably had this huge tension building up between the persona he's presented and his real feelings, until he can't stand it any more, so he's flipped completely the other way.
I don't know what the chances are of getting him back, but even if they're slim, it might be worth a try. Does he know what his "solution" is doing to you? Does he understand the risks to your child's happiness (I guess not, from his plans to remain a good father by deserting the child - last time I looked, the received wisdom was that the most important thing a parent can do for a child is to give them proper attention)? Does he see nothing unsound about leaping from one extreme (caring but false) to the other (brutally frank and uncaring)? Does he have any grasp of the idea that you shouldn't leave a partner unless you've asked them for the changes that would make it right, and given them a clear warning of the consequences of not heeding the ultimatum? Does he know that he's caused this awful state of affairs by fraudulently caving in? Does he know that if he had complained before it got too bad, he'd probably have won some concessions?
Maybe he could be coaxed back if he could be reassured that he doesn't have to (and shouldn't) play Mr. Perfect. I think if he's ever going to amount to anything, he has to find that middle road, where he's making his needs known amd negotiating for a reasonably confortable deal for himself. He's done you a disservice by faking for all that time, though no doubt he thought he was doing the right thing at the time. Being nice can really get out of hand. His new attitude is just as extreme and just as harmful - he's probably flipped too far as a result of the massive tension of his original way, and I hope that in time he'll mellow.
Good luck, and thanks for bringing this up - it's a good reminder to me that I too need to go for that middle ground, and that simply running the "apple pie" script and biting my tongue is ultimately hateful, though it always feels like giving at the time. It can be very daunting to have to explain to a supposed loved one that I don't like them doing this or that. So much easier to feign tolerance and say "I don't mind."
And apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick.
09 Feb 2011, 11:46 pm
*
