Will__ wrote:
I was diagnosed with AS at 18. I am now 30, have been married for five years. I have known for some years that I act selfishly, don't show enough compassion for my wife, and don't think about her needs as often as I should. But I want to change. A couple of times recently we have had bad arguments and she's explained how bad she feels that I treat her badly, I undervalue her, I don't properly show my family that she deserves their respect, I rarely give a straight answer yes or no, I often beat about the bush. Sometimes I make a little progress in one or more areas, but it often doesn't stick.
After we make up, I have begun to understand the pressures she's under, and realise how much she cares for me. She told me that she "takes responsibility" for me. At first I didn't understand - I thought she meant like taking responsibility for a child's actions. Then I realised that she actually takes responsibility for my happiness. She tries to help me achieve what I want and need, and puts me before herself.
That is so amazing. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. She is so wonderful, beautiful and empathic, I really got lucky marrying her, she is perfect! I am having a rare moment of lucidity. I believe I should think of my wife in many respects as a woman who I am still trying to "win". I should try to win her heart every day, and maintain a certain respect and formality in some ways, i.e. treat her with great respect.
My only worry is that I will forget all this after a few days. The last time this happened, I thought to myself while lying in bed "This is the most important thought you have ever had. Do not forget it. Use your willpower to make this change in the way you think and act".
But nevertheless, I forgot about it after a few days. Although I was now acting better in some ways, there were still may occasions where I unthinkingly reverted to selfish behaviour. e.g. When she was pouring her heart out about her problems, and mentioned as one of them (truthfully) "You complain so much", I immediately responded with an interrogative "When was the last time I complained?". She stopped telling me her feelings, and was angry with me, and she felt even worse.
Please help me. What can I do to remember to be the new, good me? I attended a vedic meditation class once, and learnt about always being present in the moment, but I have not been keeping up the practice. If I lived alone, maybe I would scrawl these thoughts in foot high letters on the wall, but that's not an option. I can't set up little notes and reminders, because she wouldn't understand. She would think that if I need a reminder to care about her, than I must not feel it strongly enough. What can I do?
This isn't about becoming a different person. This is about working around your weak points and growing as a person. Your problem with your wife sounds to be an issue of not thinking before addressing the situation and this probably actually extends to other social realms as well.
The first thing everyone with AS should do when engaging in a social situation is to stop, observe, think, and analyze. The first thing you should ask yourself before responding to this person is "what is this person trying to communicate to me?" You should also ask, "What is the emotional and physical status of this person?"
You should also do status checks with individuals on occasion, especially your wife. Think of this just like any other thing you need to check the status on on occasion. For example, you check the oil level in your car. You probably check the weather. You might check the temperature of the water in the shower before you step into it. Check your wife. Ask her how she is. How things are going. How she is feeling. What her thoughts are on things.
Pretend you are a scientist doing a study and your wife is the focus of that study. It's your job to check her status and obtain and analyze data from her.
12 Aug 2011, 7:33 pm
