momsparky wrote:
So, the journey that led me here to WrongPlanet to get help for my son has led me to realize that I am part of a long line of Aspies, on both sides of my family.
I am somewhat estranged from my parents; my childhood was very painful in part because of the difficulty of being an Aspie in a time when nobody understood what that was, and in part because I had two extremely rigid parents with no sense of boundaries and not a lot of compassion between them. I struggle every day with blaming them for how hard my life was before striking out on my own.
I had to run away from home at the age of 21 or 22; I had had some kind of breakdown, my mother had set me up with a truly horrible Christian therapist (both my parents use religion in a very rigid and defensive manner) who convinced me to leave home (in probably the stupidest way possible, but that's for another post.) I've spent the twenty years or so since then in a kind of pushme-pullyou relationship with my parents, and it's eating me up inside.
The main issue is that my parents just don't understand that their behavior is in part responsible for my painful childhood, and they continually treat me in the same way as an adult. They were both incredibly relieved when I received my first diagnosis, and push everything off onto that (my mother has called me "crazy" for most of my life. While I have some level of mental health disability, I have always had full use of my faculties.) My mother, instead of learning about herself and getting treatment, has decided that her internal rigidity and OCD-like behaviors are there because she is always right. She can't communicate with me in any other way: all her interactions with me are about getting me to do things her way from minutiae like the way papers are arranged to things like what my beliefs should be.
My father crossed some physical boundaries with me when I was a child. Unfortunately, the terrible therapist read into this, and caused me to confront him without knowing exactly what happens (I do have some concrete memories of boundaries being crossed; nothing that would cause child services to step in, but things that were decidedly inappropriate - but I also have big black holes in my memory that could be more.) He insists nothing happened - yet somehow this issue can't be put to rest, but comes up nearly every time we see each other.
I've tried to explain why I feel unsafe with them and need to keep my distance. Due to their lack of communication skills, they are completely unable to understand. We go around and around with me trying to explain and them saying I am wrong or mistaken or misunderstood...and I can't make it stop. I feel terrible - I know my parents are acting out of their disability (and for them, Aspergers is a disability, though I believe it does not have to be so) but I find myself needing to sit in a corner and rock back and forth and cry every time there is even a possibility of an encounter with them.
All this is to say I'm struggling with how to handle my mother right now. We just disclosed my son's diagnosis with our whole families, including my parents. My mother, of course, responded in a completely inappropriate way, saying something about "All of us have some tendencies to act that we do not like and spend our life trying to change. Aspergers sounds to me like a stronger form of that." and, knowing full well that we are an agnostic/atheist household, "Besides, and you probably have thought of this already, knowing about a God that loves us and supports us as a caring father is a great help to achieve internal peace. Perhaps the awareness of this will reveal to him a deeper solution to his problems."
I did not respond. We had been very careful to explain that Aspergers was a developmental delay and a difference that we were trying to learn to support, but clearly she did not get it. She also doesn't understand the implied disrespect to our very clearly stated family beliefs. Later, she sent my son a letter - just an ordinary correspondence, but he didn't want to reply and I didn't make him. She then followed up with several emails asking why she hasn't received a response and why I am so distant all the time.
I finally responded with the following: The problem is not that something or other is hurting our relationship, it’s that we have never really had a relationship – and, besides it feeling disingenuous to pretend we have a good relationship, I just don’t have the energy to do so.
I know you want a relationship, at least in theory – but a relationship starts by accepting someone the way they are. It’s difficult to have a relationship with someone who is always showing hope that I will change or somehow improve. I am happy with who I am, and don’t want to be any different, and I know that I certainly don’t want the things for myself that you show you want for me.
It’s entirely possible that you are unaware that you express this hope every time we come in contact with each other, and I’ve come to accept that that’s the way things are – but my way of handling things is by keeping my distance.
Of course, she responded several days by saying that she doesn't understand, she "did not open her mouth" when I mentioned in passing that many of my Catholic friends had converted to Judaism, that she "has accepted" that I don't want the "natural relation of mother and daughter" in my kitchen with her although it forces her to "sit in the living room as a visitor" She also claims to "avoid religious comments" with my son - which I've made clear is not something I will allow.
Her response then goes on to imply that I've recently gone crazy and this is the real reason for the distance - "this was not the way we related few years ago. At least, you were a lot more tolerant before. Have you changed with other people also? Does your Asperger's have something to do with it?" The truth is, I wanted my son to make his own decision about his relationship with his grandparents...and he doesn't like her, either.
I don't know how to explain to my Mom that with every phone call, email, letter, every interaction, she expresses her dissatisfaction with the way I am, and I can't deal with it. She has no idea that in every instance she outlines above, she fussed and whined and squirmed and the words she is so proud of having kept inside just oozed out of her body language. I don't know how to explain that I swallowed my discomfort while my son was small because I thought it was important, but that I just don't have the mental energy to do it right now, when I'm helping my son overcome huge obstacles at school and am simultaneously reliving my own horrible childhood.
What's worst, I know that if I explain, she will not hear. She is in her eighties; she can't change. I don't want to change - I like myself. I don't want to be one of those women who is mean to her mother, but this relationship HURTS. What do I do? /rant
First I would like you to be aware that I understand you are very upset about this. But you are probably not going to like what I have to say. I'm a little confused about what exactly it is you want from your parents, and some of your claims for the following reasons.
Your parents not only acknowledge you and your son have AS, and embrace that, but your mother stated...
Your Mom wrote:
"All of us have some tendencies to act that we do not like and spend our life trying to change. Aspergers sounds to me like a stronger form of that."
It sounds to me like she is acknowledging tendencies in herself, and trying to express her understanding of what AS is. I don't really see how this was inappropriate and I don't know what you would have liked her to say instead.
Momsparky wrote:
and, knowing full well that we are an agnostic/atheist household, "Besides, and you probably have thought of this already, knowing about a God that loves us and supports us as a caring father is a great help to achieve internal peace. Perhaps the awareness of this will reveal to him a deeper solution to his problems."
I come from a multi-religion/multi-political family, but we all seem to get along, and we do this both by respecting the beliefs/opinions of others, understanding what is actually trying to be communicated, patience, letting things slide, and agreeing to disagree.
I'm not Christian/Catholic, but when a relative who is tells me they are praying for me (which means they will inevitably be praying to Jesus, Mary or some saint), I don't get upset with them for dis-respecting my beliefs. I thank them for the kind thoughts because they meant well. It's not worth getting upset over.
I think what your mother said actually acknowledges that she knows you are not christian. In effect, I think she was saying "I know you don't believe in this but you might be able to get something out of it anyway."
You said to your mom wrote:
I know you want a relationship, at least in theory – but a relationship starts by accepting someone the way they are. It’s difficult to have a relationship with someone who is always showing hope that I will change or somehow improve. I am happy with who I am, and don’t want to be any different, and I know that I certainly don’t want the things for myself that you show you want for me.
But it seems very apparent to me that you can't accept your mother for who she is either, and you want her to change. She seems to be trying to appease you the best she knows how and that doesn't seem to be good enough. Maybe you should just write up a list of things you don't want her to do.
My roommate and I have very different communication styles, as he leans more towards the HFA end of the spectrum and has a different way of thinking than I do, and it presents certain challenges sometimes. Trying to sort things out between us is frequently an exercise in futility and we have generally gotten around this by agreeing to respect clearly articulated needs, such as saying "Would you please close the kitchen cupboards when you are done?" and "Please go away while I'm playing my game." The fact that we might not actually understand each others thought process or point of views, we let slide. He just does not have the neurological makeup to understand how I think, and I don't have the neurological makeup to understand how he thinks, and it's not fair to demand something of someone that they can't do. It's like demanding a cat act like a dog.
I think you should acknowledge that your mother likely loves you, and does try to appease you to the best of her ability and leave it at that. Things you don't want her to do that particularly upset you, just lay out on the table. You should also consider the context of things. Your mother is 80. The bulk of the portion of her life during which her ideals and perspective were configured span times of war, extreme economic difficulties, and times when the ideal was conformism. Times when you either worked to eat or starve, and if something was severely wrong with you, you ended up in an institution. And yet, she still accepts you have AS, recognizes it for what it is, and acknowledges there are traits in the family. That's pretty phenomenal in my opinion. Many older members have been entirely brushed off by their families when they revealed they had AS, and told to wise up and start acting normal like everyone else.
I think you should figure out what it is specifically that you want from your parents, and then decide if such things are reasonable to ask for. Asking that they change the way they think or interact with you is not reasonable as it's beyond the abilities of most people one way or another. Asking they acknowledge that something they did hurt you is fine, but you will have to accept that they might not be able to understand why it hurt you. Asking that they not keep pushing religion on you is also fine. But demanding they never bring up religion even in the context of the way they relate to the world, and deal with problems, isn't.
You can even say "these are things I'm not changing about myself, they are part of who I am and I'd like to leave it at that." If your parents really had so much of a problem with you, they wouldn't keep trying to pursue a relationship or acknowledge your AS, in my opinion.
I have to also say, even though my parents knew I was on the spectrum growing up, they did make some mistakes in life, and concerning my care, which really upset me, but as an adult, I realize these were either unintentional, good willed, or things I couldn't hold against them. Years later, out of the blue, my mother apologized for some of the things. I had never brought them up and had forgiven her a long time ago but she felt quite bad about it and it was eating her up inside.
05 Mar 2011, 8:51 pm
What does one do in this situation? I didn't ask them to adopt me, but yet they put out tons of energy to remind me that they were saddled with the burden of caring for me. I can't tell you how hard it was growing up, or how many tears I shed over the years from sadness & frustration. What I can tell you is that if you turn your back on your parents now, you'll never have the chance to heal without guilt.
