Desperately need routine

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Hi everyone,

Like many aspies, I greatly need routine or I lose my mind. The problem is, I have a very difficult time adhering to a routine myself. When people hear me say, "I need to hire a butler," they think I am joking. I'm not.

I really struggle with living alone. Without routine or the ability to get myself into one, I fall apart.

Right now I am looking for work. I'll feel better once I have some schedule. Unless I go insane before then...

I REALLY need a butler... someone to (gently) keep me on track. This is a HUGE problem in my life.

I could use a butler too. I go into butler mode like every two weeks and get all organized and straightened out and then I let everything fall back into a mess in the intervening time until I feel capable of ordering stuff again.

So I can't help unfortunately unless you live near me in which case I could be your butler cause I actually love organizing, Just not for myself. Too many emotions attached to the objects and obligations in my own life and routine.

I am OCD about cleanliness and organization. So that's not a problem.

The problem is, if I don't have someone to remind me to do things, my mind goes to mush. I can't really explain it. I won't eat or shower until 5PM. As fast as my brain is going, I seem to just sit and stare all day. Sit.... and stare...... with a spaced out look on my face... oh, and stimming of course. It's like my thoughts drown out everything else and makes me unable to function. It's my BRAIN that needs organization.

So I need a butler to say, "Okay it's time to do [insert everyday activity here] with a smile. Tea would be nice, while I'm at it.
There are also things I don't like to do myself. Such as answer the phone or make routine phone calls. I could go on...

I'm ashamed at being so smart but not being able to take care of myself. No one knows this about me. Everyone thinks I've got everything together.

Oh yeah. After years of dreading answering the phone... to the point I was really panicking every time it rang... I just a few months ago decided to stop answering it. (My house phone which is hardly ever for me anyway.)

Yeah I could REALLY use such a thing especially when it comes to writing. I'm starting to think maybe writing was not what I was meant to do cause I ALWAYS put it off, unlike playing piano, which is what I do when I'm procrastinating. I gravitate to that like nothing else. Maybe the things we do when we're procrastinating or unable to start our "real"activities it what we're actually best suited to doing.

Then again everyone has to eat and brush their teeth and get dressed so yes I can see where a butler would be useful/necessary.

I too joke around about needing someone to tell me when to do things and people take it as a joke but really... yeah... I need one or I'll go on like this forever. I think. Maybe not. Hopefully.

I wonder if there's any way I could help you (and you me). Some sort of interactive calendar/clock thing.

Eating I generally remember to do cause I'm always hungry unless I've just eaten. Generally it takes some kind of outside-the-house social event I really want to do to make me get myself presentable. Sad but true. So maybe it'snecessary to find some things you can't resist doing outside the house and that are rewards in themselves that motivate you (/me/anyone with this problem) to take the steps necessary to make themselves "decent" for ventures into public.

Maybe one thing could be incorporating very pleasant and soothing things into the routines themselves. Like always wearing something special, jewelry maybe, but taking time to pick it out if you enjoy doing that. Or... something equivalent to bubbles and toys in the bath for four-year-olds that would make taking a shower not a chore. Why would adults suddenly stop needing those nice incentives? I certainly need them apparently. Warm water is nice but I'm lazy and standing there for half and hour in barely breathable air is a chore as is spending ten minutes brushing my hair. This is all getting very personal and specific but my point is... Mary Poppins' point. In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find that fun and snap! The job's a game! But I have yet to find the fun in brushing my hair. Anyway I'll probably erase this later, some things just are too personal for me to post about online and finding brushing my own hair a horrible chore is one of them.

I just read your reply, so you can delete/edit as you see fit. I don't think any less of you because of what you wrote, though.

To be honest, I do find pleasure in getting cleaned up and going out. I guess this statement really is the core of my problem:

As fast as my brain is going, I seem to just sit and stare all day. Sit.... and stare...... with a spaced out look on my face... oh, and stimming of course. It's like my thoughts drown out everything else and make me unable to function.

I wonder if I have something like ADD? I don't know. It doesn't really matter what it's called. It could even be anxiety overload. I just wish I could make it stop.

If I could ask, how would you characterize your thinking when you're sitting and staring? Dreamlike and without words attached with "reality" seeming distant, maybe even pleasantly distant? If so I go into this state from time to time but not as often as you. These little fugues help me makes sense of the world I think. There needs to be empty space to contextualize the immediacy of reality. Is it different for you?

I definitely feel distant. It's almost like my brain switches into a different gear and bombards me with so many thoughts and feelings at the same time. Many of them are abstract, but now and then, I'll find one train of thought that I will follow for awhile. Like you said, maybe I think I might be "processing" things on a different level. Usually I don't react to things right away. I have to think about what every little thing means before I figure it out. My every day reactions are very slow because of this. I usually agree with everything everyone says until I've had a few days to figure out what the conversation meant.

Even emotions I feel need to be "interpreted" at a later time. Maybe this is just my brain "processing" what it has been experiencing?

Why does my brain need to do this?

I need to do it too. Well my theory is that spectrumites may find it impossible to understand a scene while they're in it. For some reason NTs don't have this problem apparently? Anyway I can understand social interactions/the world in general if I'm just watching and not taking part, but once my brain is asked to watch myself as part of it, it becomes an impossible task. How can you watch yourself? You have no distance from yourself! You can't take your eyes out of your head and set them on a table and look on as you go about your life! So maybe this processing is an artificial way of gaining distance.

Well I guess videotaping your life and watching the recordings would be a good way of gaining distance. That's the closest to setting your eyes on a table and watching yourself that I can think of.

Haha the imagery made me laugh though.

Just a suggestion....have you guys ever thought about getting a pet? Sometimes it helps when you know that you have someone else depending on you. Also animals like cats are companionship and low maintenance. I have two kids still living at home and a husband but I still hate having time on my hands so I need a schedule of things that I should do or can do. I can not motivate myself, naturally, and if I had no one depending on me I would literally walk around in circles. I do write stories that I daydream but I couldnt do that all the time either. I do know that Id be lost also without my calendar and my lists. It might help to have a list of things to do everyday or write things on the calendar. If you have a lot of time on your hands try to come up with things to do. Like learn about something online for such and such hours....ect. Try to motivate yourself with a schedule or a list.
Actually, now that I think about it, my biggest problem is that when I dont have something to do I tend to have more anxiety.

I can understand this completely. I told many people something along the lines of "What I need is a executive assistant/secretary to remind me what I need to be doing."... everyone else finds it funnier that I do. I am terrible at remembering to do laundry, dishes, etc when I live alone.

I've been trying to work on this recently and I have been experimenting with using a smart phone to help me. The funny thing about it is that I really hardly ever use my phone to make/take calls and I always just wanted the most basic phone I could get because I just don't really use it. Anyway my contract was up and I kind of settled on the fact that maybe I could benefit from the 'smart' part of the phone.

So far it has worked OK but its definitely far from perfect. I have been using the calendar to put in events of things I need to do (like laundry once a week, etc) so then every Monday my phone will notify me that I need to do XYZ... what I find is that it helps, but it cant actually do your laundry for you.

There are plenty of room for improvement with it but I have been working on writing some software that might help me a little bit better. For example, my work schedule is pretty sporadic at best so there are some days I work all day and others I don't work at all. I am trying to make it so my phone will look at my work calendar and then figure out the best time to fit in chores and such (like if it knows it takes me 2 hours to do laundry it will find a time when I am available and automatically schedule that for me).

Anyway I know quite a few of us here are probably not all that interested in phones (really neither am I). But in terms of the other things newer 'phones' can do for you it could replace that need for a butler. You can get these for relatively cheap now (especially if you need to renew your contract) and it might be worth looking into... it is probably not for everyone though.

Also, @liloleme, pets sound like a great idea as well!

I have a cat, but since cats basically take care of themselves, she's not a huge motivator. (Sorry, kitty!) I have been wanting to get a dog, but I simply cannot afford one, mostly because of the vet bills and the extra rent/deposit I'd have to pay at my apartment.

I have experimented with calendars and list-making. I am definitely a list person. The problem is, I forget to look at both. I have an enormous dry-erase board and I will actually forget to look at it and go the entire day without even NOTICING it. I don't understand how I can do that.

The strange thing is, when I actually follow a schedule I am INSANELY productive.

I REALLY want a dog, though.

I am the same way, I have tried to use a planner many times but I just don't remember to look in it to see what I need to do... I'll sometimes even think "what am i supposed to be doing right now?" and it wont occur to me that I wrote it down somewhere. This is why I think a phone/pda could work better, instead of having to go and look at what you are supposed to be doing it will tell you "Hey you need to do XYZ!".



Me too, when I start living independently again having a dog will be very high up on the priority list!

I just graduated Uni and am looking for full time work. If I can afford it, I am definitely getting a dog!

OMG I do this! I plan plan plan and make schedules and notes and then poof, I totally forget that did all that and wonder what I am supposed to be doing. I still have this repetitive daydream where I wish I had a personal assistant who would tell me what I need to do and when to do it because I have such a hard time remembering.