draelyn... i know no-one (or that could help) and don't trust anyone, the church idea is a non-starter; i find the latter to be full of shallow self serving posturing ##### 's ...sorry. the church in my experience is near non-existant. my auntie lives in a village and never once (and she is 93) has a clergyman shown his face. sorry i'm a bit bitter about the 'church' .. i believe in God yet its a personal thing and somehow think its been hijacked.. maybe it was seeing so many people at my dads funeral that still haunts me , not one silly s**t came to ask if i / we needed help.
shadwell...i have been reading online re disassociative and it seems could be an explanation. it seems a strong factor is childhood trauma and a building of identity..i was moved around and by 7-1/2 at the latest school had stopped talking to any peers, locked there frozen with my back against the wall, totally isolated.so, it seems obvious i invented / created my own world, hobbies/ enthusiasms, i again gave up speaking when 15 for the last year at school, could talk tho never to peers, dad died when i was seventeen and six months later i'm in lodgings, no support, nothing, yet then i was happier than evr because i was able to read and walk as i wished, no longer feared of stepping out the front door as i had been for a decade ina little sh***y village. theres more but thats enough of that bit, needless to say parents were garbage.
three decades working alone and i seem to have lost my drive at my work, or what drove me was to prove myself and actually quite a lot of hatred of my fellow man. i also think interests change.
being unable to decide is a big handicap with me, driving up and down roads and roundabouts, unable to decide .. work or countryside, its near disabling. flip flopping all the time. i also have great trouble deciding what work it is that i should be doing. ,,, it goes on endlessly .....