degenerating relationship

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it seems that everything turns into a row of some kind

as a consequence I have restricted saying things that I want to say

to me this is not a good plan

In an ideal relationship (yeah right) you would get to say the things you wanted
without worry

thing is - am worried about the implications of being out 'in the field' again the
wrong side of fifty

I don't gel with people very easily and am worried about this notion

Would you be open to trying therapy? Sometimes it help to have an outside person (someone outside your relationship) help you to work things out. They dont take sides they just help you see thing that you may have not seen. Sometimes its hard to find a therapist or a person that CAN help you and sometimes its a good idea for you to go and talk the the person first , even maybe a couple of times, to see if you feel comfortable enough to share with them things about your relationship. I have a hard time trusting people so when I started going to a psychiatrist for therapy after I was diagnosed with Aspergers and I started having a hard time dealing and understanding, I ended up with my sons doctor. I had known him for years and he had helped me with my son who had early onset bi polar disorder, I trusted him.
Any relationship after many years is going to have issues. Its better to resolve them than cover them up. I just had a friend who was burying her problems with her partner for a long time. Just swallowing everything and after awhile you kind of explode....it was the same with my first marriage. Problems dont go away if you ignore them and the more you bury things that are bothering you the more you feed your "bomb", If you know what I mean? Someday you are just going to explode and that will be the end!

good point and something to think about

Join the club!

I'm about your age and also going through a difficult patch in my marriage. The bad patch started about nine months ago when I realised that I had AS (self diagnosed), as a result of discovering my 10 year old daughter had AS. My daughter and I are so alike in so many ways.

Before I realized I had AS, I had tended, like you, to restrict saying things that I wanted to say to avoid arguments. I agree that this is not a good plan. For me this built up resentment that would come out sooner or later. There are three areas where I have made improvement:

1) Like many people with AS, I have always been very good at reasoning. I have no problems in the workplace, where all of the issues that I have to deal with are recorded for later reference. I have come to realize that, in the less formal, domestic situation, I often miss or misunderstand important information that would be picked up without a second thought by an NT person. Any reasoning that I do is easily based on incomplete or wrong information. To address this, I will explain my reasoning before I make a conclusion. If the information behind my reasoning is incorrect, I can get the clarifications before opening my big mouth and putting my foot in it. This takes some effort, as I am never sure if I am missing some important information or not.

2) Another issue for starting rows was not what I said but the way I said it. Which could change the entire meaning of my words. (I still do not understand this fully). By taking a little time before responding, and slowing down my speech, I do not appear to have the same level of difficulty in putting across the wrong meaning. I assume that a quick response can often sound angry or aggressive.

3) If my wife asks me the same question in different ways, I tended to respond with the same answer (it was the same question so why should the answer change). I now realize that my wife did not understand my original answer so I try to explain in a different way.

These few techniques have improved things for me but they take considerable effort and I am not out of the woods yet. I assume that your partner is about the same age as you and may be starting the change. This is a hard time for NT couples. It is much worse when the relationship is AS/NT.

Good luck