Indirectness

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My significant other is extremely indirect. He almost NEVER asks me to do or buy anything, and will hint instead. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing a game, trying to decipher his meaning. Sometimes I manage, but if I'm distracted or whatever then I just take his statements at face value and he has to either be direct or go without. I don't feel too bad about it, because I have told him many times that he needs to be blunt with me. Otherwise, I will do the weekly shop and not comprehend until the following day that "my phone is low on credit" probably meant he wanted me to pick up a phone card.
My real problem is with other people, who don't know how clueless I really am. I know I come across as an intelligent person (I have pedantic speech), and I'm sure they mistake my missed cues as rudeness. I can still recall the look of surprised hurt on a co-worker's face when I suggested she could mail me some papers rather than give them to me over lunch. I puzzled over that one for days, then realized she had been offering friendship and I had figuratively slapped her in the face in return. It makes me want to avoid people, because I know that as hard as I try, I will say or do something offensive that I won't even understand until I think about the conversation later. And I WILL think about the conversation later...over and over until I think I comprehend, and then I feel terrible....
Is this a common experience for folks with Asperger's? I would think it is, but would appreciate feedback.

No two of us are identical, of course, but yes, you are not alone there.

I tell my wife the same thing about being clear, specific and direct, and I think I might have recently missed a possible friendship because of something similar to your co-worker's proposal of lunch.


I have explained all of that to my wife when she has asked, and I sometimes even try to let other people know about that "right up front" ...

... but then, of course, many just still cannot understand even if/when they might wish to do so.

This is a common occurrence with me also. Especially when I'm stressed or in a hurry. Later I will think about what the person said and think I missed that cue altogether.

If I missed a big social cue and came off being rude I will apologize or do something to make it up with the person.. Like your coworker who hinted at having lunch with you by giving you some papers. I would just go back the next day and ask her to join you for lunch. That way you reverse the rudeness by being friendly yourself.

Yes, unfortunately the job was ending and my not meeting her for lunch meant I never saw her again.
I thought I was saving her time with my suggestion, as it didn't occur to me that the papers were an excuse to get together. Even worse, she never mailed the papers, which probably means her ONLY reason for meeting me was because she wanted to be my friend. The funny thing is, I thought she was nice and I didn't want to trouble her. My suggestion was intended to be NICE. *sigh*

IF i really figured out all the times where people offerded friendship/relationship i would probably go into depression instantly. I figure im only aware of about 20% of the mistakes i make, and even then i dont grasp all of it. Id rather not think about it too much cus it obviously sucks when you unknowingly reject everyone who tries to get close to you.

Snap!

I miss this stuff all the time. I have just given up for the most part, I let people know I'm an aspie now, and explain I need direct, plain language communication [kind of like letting them know if I was deaf or in a wheelchair] and leave the ball in their court, I am so tired of double guessing everything that the more sociable and socially needy won't say in simple direct ways.

Another problem I have with this behaviour is that it makes me feel like I am not allowed to speak plainly and directly for fear it is recieved as rudeness - this is one of the key things that makes me feel like I'm on the wrong planet...

peace j

I do this too. It's especially hard as a man when it comes to romantic relationships as women want men to pick up those subtle clues and generally avoid being direct. I dated a woman once for a year before I even realized we were dating (actually I'm still not certain we were). On the plus side, I often times don't realize when people are being rude to me. I've had people apologize for things they had said to me when I didn't pick up on the fact that it was intended as an insult.

Explaining what you need can help - after all, why can't he write what he needs on a list? It would work better, after all.

Being direct seems to be considered rude. Frequently I'm about to say something and then remembered I shouldn't, then I end up a bit speechless because I didn't say what I really meant. I think being a woman kinda sucks on that aspect. I'm surprised to hear about guys who are indirect. I always thought being direct is a manly thing.

It is something of a manly ideal. In reality though men are becoming more and more indirect. Its society who is forcing men to adopt a more submissive or bureacratic state of mind. Dont piss people of by saying what you think, try the diplomatic aproach.

I used to be able to invest more mental space into decoding what people were trying to tell me. These days though, I'm too distracted by the rest of my life to notice that someone is talking to me, much less what the hell they're getting at.

Sometimes I obsess over trying not to be rude, but then that leads to me not talking much at all. I just keep quiet unless I'm absolutely sure what I'm saying and what I mean to say are in alignment. And if I figure that out quickly, I can actually be a part of a conversation rather than constantly throwing out random snarky comments about what was said several minutes ago. Exhausting!

I don't know about anybody else, but it's true for me. There's no point in people being subtle with me - I just won't pick up on it. People who know me well know to be blunt with me