AS or just passive agressive psycho bs???

Post Reply New Topic

I have been seeing someone (I'll call him Q, respectfully) on and off for over two years. Q has always been passive aggressive with me, sometimes out-right hurtful and abusive. To elaborate, he has told me "what if I said you have to get rid of your pet?"; "your nose is too big for your face"; "why are you getting an attitude with me?"; "you're stupid"; "you're bad luck and bad things happen when we're together"; etc, etc... I have broken up with him a few times, I've told him he needs to seek professional help because he may be slightly ret*d (this was before I knew anything about AS, sorry if I offend anyone), and told him repeatedly that I don't ever want to see him again (one time I threatened to get a restraining order because he went to my work place to "try to talk to me", to which his retort was, "you'll never change" eg- placing the blame on ME to be emotionally manipulative). He is very persistent though, and out of forgiveness/loneliness I end up going back with him. I know it's wrong, and clearly there are several RED FLAGS all around this whole mess, but I feel bad for him sometimes because I know that he is just a very needy person. I know that most women see his behavior and run away, and it's heartbreaking to see how out-of-touch he is with society. He does work and apparently has a fairly well paying job which he can work from his home (he is also very very private and secretive, so I don't know much about him other than what is right in front of my face). Other traits that he displays such as the lack of accurate dexterity, extreme isolation from the outside world, Alexithymia, and having no "common sense", lead me to research online to see if any of these things are symptomatic of ... anything (?). I have been at the conclusion that Q has AS for some time now, and I'm really not sure what to do next. I tried bringing it up casually one time over the phone -
me: I was reading about something called Asperger Syndrome. Have you ever heard of it?
Q:'NOPE.
me: oh.
Q: what is it?
me: It's just something that makes some people different. Some people think it's like being Autistic, but it isn't. It's just another thing that makes people different, that's all.
Q: what made you look into that?
me: I was just looking around. Reading things online.

...and that was the extent of the topic. I don't know if he has AS, and is ashamed (because he is so very secretive) to talk to me about it, or if he doesn't know that he has AS, or if he doesn't have it at all (in which case, he's a total socio-pathic A*hole who doesn't deserve my understanding/time/energy). He does go out "golfing" from time to time, or go "out to eat with a friend" here and there, but sometimes I have the suspicion that it's something else because these occurrence happen in routine/timely intervals, although unannounced until and hour or two beforehand. I've thought that maybe he's meeting with a counselor or something and doesn't want to reveal anything to me. Or, maybe he's part of a social group which meets regularly that he's embarrassed to discuss. Quite frankly, it doesn't concern me - whatever the case is - because it's a relief to see him eager to involve himself in social interaction. It's just a premonition I've had. I usually just accept his golfing-dining-thing and leave it alone.
Anyway, I feel myself being torn between genuinely caring for this "stranger", and feeling extremely stressed out and oppressed by him. I know that he is no good for me in the long run, although he is a good person underneath the "push-you-away-as-coldly-as-I-can-get-away-with" side. I'm afraid of the re-percussions of walking away from him again. I'm worried that he'll be possessively tenacious again. I've become used him over the years, and don't want to bother with someone new...

So,
1) I've already tried to bring up the AS with him - fail
2) If I try to get him to go see a counselor with me he'll refuse and/or become very offensive
3) I care for this person and would like to be his friend without being abused by him (inadvertently as well as purposefully)
4) I admit that I have my OWN issues to work on

Any advice??? Would love to hear from someone who has similar experience.

thank you for your forwardness.

after re-reading my original post, I realize that I have made a complete monster of Q. He's not a monster at all. There is obviously much more than I could ever post (or one would ever even WANT to read) about in the relationship. He's a nice guy, just has a problem with shooting himself in the foot while putting the other foot in his mouth simultaneously. He is not aware of how hurtful he his and it is clear when he IS aware, but most of the time it is unintended which is why I have let this continue.

But you are completely right. I know the whole thing is wrong and I DO need to seek counseling (who DOESN'T, right?).

I need advice on how to deal with what I believe to be closet-AS, which is why came here.
Thanks again

I don't think this guy is good for you truthbetold. Chronos is right.

I was in an abusive situation where the guy was nice until he needed a mental punch-bag, I stayed until I hated him utterly because he kept on saying that if I left him he'd kill himself. Does any of this seem similar to your situation with Q?

Regardless of if he has AS or not a diagnosis of anything doesn't give anyone the right to act badly towards someone on purpose.

[quote="LostAlien"]I don't think this guy is good for you truthbetold. Chronos is right.

I was in an abusive situation where the guy was nice until he needed a mental punch-bag, I stayed until I hated him utterly because he kept on saying that if I left him he'd kill himself. Does any of this seem similar to your situation with Q?

Thanks for your read and feedback LostAlien. To answer you, no - Q has never been physically abusive or made threats to harm himself. It's not a black-and-white issue, which is why I categorize his "misconduct" as more passive aggressive. He literally doesn't know that what he's saying is hurtful and abnormal. It's clear by my having to explain in full detail WHY what he said was wrong, and then he still doesn't understand. For example - when he said "your nose is too big for your face", his inflection was very soft and non-threatening, as if he was just stating a fact. It was after I explained to him in great length why that was not a nice thing to say to someone, that he saw the "misconduct". Other times, when he's saying something to intentionally be hurtful, it is usually something that someone said to him in the past (which shook him for whatever reason internally, so he in turn uses it to insult someone else). For example - Q: "you have such an attitude and you're so demanding" - when there is clearly no reason what-so-ever to say it; it's out of the blue (???????). The reason that I know someone said this to him in the past is because he's told me, all be it very little, about his (one and only) past relationship - which seems to be a repeat with me. He is, infact, very demanding and very controlling, and when I try to help him with something he has outbursts like a toddler - " I DON'T WANNA LEARN!". I presume this is because of the AS, and he has a very hard time retaining new information/deviating from his routine. I completely agree with you guys though - AS or not, there is no benefit here for either him or myself.
It's hard to let go after I've invested so much of my time and energy into someone - hoping that things will improve over time. I genuinely care about him and feel bad for his situation. As someone without AS, but with mild-moderate depression, I know what it's like to feel out of place in the world or feel like no one understands. I wanted to help him and build him up, but there is no reciprocity there, and I've accepted that there never be. I guess that's why I wanted to post here and get some info from people who are Dx AS... I'm a shot in the dark, whereas, you could be my guiding light. I totally respect everyone in here and appreciate the resourcefulness. Hopefully it isn't viewed as misappropriation.

but then again ... when he says crude things to me and doesn't seem to realize the effect ... I wonder if he does the same thing to co-workers??? I'm dubious....

If the dude's not aware of how hurtful he's being then there's something wrong. Whether it's aspergers or not would take his cooperation to determine. Whether or not he's willing to offer that cooperation would give you some kind of handle on whether he's worth your continued attention.

Good luck, whichever way it turns out. Even if it is aspergers, there's no guarantee he'd want to change, and absolutely no guarantee that his attempts to change would work.