Currently in Hell

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I dont have a computer connected to the internet. My PC is for music, art and Nintendo / Playstation emulation only.

Long posts on cellphone is bad stim, but so is bottling emotions.

2 Misdemeanors because the meltdowns are happening in public.

I have no social network including people who are consistently fed/sheltered of their own accord.

Cashed out 401k to survive.

I stay in my room to avoid contact. I don't like what the internet has become. I work at night at a commercial laundry for $15/hr.

I rent a room in a house full of like-mannered transients.

I just want to garden and make music.

My body hurts.

Ive had to reduce my life to what I can fit in my car.

I drove 3,000 miles from a savant job, a family that wanted to keep me at arm's length, and a partner who realized that they weren't going to be happy if they stayed with me.

Someone who said they understood and was going to be there for me ended up abandoning me at a homeless shelter.

It was supposed to be different.

Is there a God?

I have a second appointment with an agency that will provide a "prescreening" to a local Psych who will hopefully make the diagnosis official.

Has anyone else tied their belongings to the roof of their car with paracord and dove head first into the unknown after attempting to makes something happen with art while making less than $35,000 a year from farm/factory jobs?

I hope you can lift your mood, hard times are easier that way. I can never do that. When I feel down I feel down like a crashing windows system. I glitch and b***h.

Either way save your energies for opportunities that come by if any. Cannot imagine what its like really. Probably very unsettling.

One thing reading and watching lots of psychology on the internet I have learned that good support network is important, but I am not sure what you need.
Honestly good luck though. Don't mourn people who did not support you in crises. They were not real deal. Find the real people who will be there. Screw them you can do it.
Though I cannot pretend I know what you feel like, hopefully this helps.

Thank you for the commiseration.

Every night is psych vids before sleep. I feel like I know the logistics and procedure of what needs to get done.

Its the "going thru it" and having memories surface in therapy that cuts. I feel woozy after each session.

I know the line of "forget the haters", but I only "do autistic stuff" around people Im comfortable with. I can make introductions and get to a certain level with people but I fear geniuneness as it has lead to people distancing themselves from me

Im going to keep holding out for the real ones, but the guilt is real.

Thank you for commiserating.

What are your plans?

Been there, and don't think I could do it again.
It makes you distill your needs and appreciate more
But it's a good reminder of 'where ever you go there you are'
Good luck but don't pin hopes on other people

Could you post a sample of your art here?

I feel bad for all that you went through.

I hope your house has at least decent plumbing and decent heat.

Is there a way you could garden at this house?

I wish you could find a private room so you could make music.