My fantasy is coming true

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No, it's not a sexual fantasy.

Ever since I married and had children, I've fantasized about living alone. Being by myself, with no disturbances, no bothers, nothing getting in the way of what I want to do. I would drive be an apartment building with a sign reading 1 bedroom for rent, and my mind would go adrift thinking about what it would be like to live alone.

But it was a fantasy. And like all my fantasies, no intention of making it come true.

Well, that fantasy is going to come true. A couple of weeks ago, my wife filed for divorce. We've been having problems, but I thought most everything was OK. The things that weren't, I thought we could work out. She doesn't. When she came home from the lawyer, she dumped a bunch of things on me that I had no clue about. The biggest one is that I am apparently verbally abusive. The list of things she gave me are very similar to what other people have posted on here about the relationship struggles between an Aspie and an NT.

I've moved on to the point now that I am not trying to figure out what went wrong, or what I could have done to prevent it. I am now looking at how I am going to live my life alone. I'm looking forward to the me time, to being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it without disturbances. The only thing that I fear is the isolation that I may create for myself. I am on disability, for reasons other than Asperger's, so I have no excuse such as work to get me out of the house daily.

I need to find my old special interests, maybe some new ones. I need to come up with things to get me out of my apartment. I'm not sure if I want to try to date at this point. Mostly because I want to enjoy the "me" time. Partially because I don't want to put the effort into a relationship. If anybody has some tips on how to find new special interests, or things to do to get myself out of the apartment, it would be appreciated.

You could try taking an interest in your children. That would be a start.

Living alone helps me a lot with my family (I definitely don't have kids), so if their time is mostly spent with their mom, try spending yours building them something or planning a trip. As fair to you as this might have been, I guarantee it's a royal pain in the ass for your kids, so they need some backup from you (namely most of your gas tank) and more freedom in their own lives. Since school is inevitably going to become a contentious subject, try to help out with life instead. Nobody needs two addresses on their report card, this is why I'm not in college.

Snark alert.

My relationship with my daughter was enhanced by the lack of distraction after divorce. We had much more time just to hang out together, and I know I was definitely less stressed and better able to pay attention.

It sounds like you've been fantasizing about living alone for a long time? Even most of your married life? If so, you deserted your wife and family in spirit a long time ago. I'm not judging you*, but I think your wife is right to get your body out of the house since you don't seem to be there for her in any meaningful way. Don't date again. You might end up giving some poor woman the illusion that you'll be there for her emotionally. Some people are just meant to live alone. If you get lonely, maybe a little social interaction -- X hours per week -- would be sufficient. I hope you try to connect with your children, though, like Marcia said.

*Okay, I'm trying not to judge you. If it's because of the Asperger's, then you're just made that way. But it's not okay to hurt other people or not to make an effort to deal with the situation you find yourself in (fatherhood) even if you have minimal social needs.

There can be a time and a place for snark.

The OP's fantasy, now being realised, doesn't include his children. They are part of what he has been yearning to escape from. That, as someone else has pointed out, was no doubt obvious to his wife, if not to the children.

Make a daily walk into a repetitive routine to get you out of the house.

Believe me, the sense of inner peace you will feel is amazing

Yes, this is on the top of the agenda. I'm looking for assistance for when they aren't there.

This is something I hoping will happen. I have found that I am over whelmed trying to be a father, husband, and head of household. I am hoping that by getting rid of some of those responsibilities, that I may gain some of my higher functioning abilities back.

Snark, or not... imo, children are over-rated... and some people even have fatherhood/motherhood thrust upon them without their specific consent. Not every pregnancy is planned - guessing less than 10% - if that many.

Besides, we know nothing of his private relationships and shouldn't automatically take sides against him. How long was he married? How old are the "children"? Do his children want a relationship with him? Did he fulfill his duties as a father up to this point?
We don't know, he didn't offer this information, and he didn't ask for advice in this area.

Man..
Even though you are getting disability, maybe you could still take a part-time job, or volunteer somewhere? Maybe the library, senior center, or animal shelter?

Sorry about the divorce, but...
Good luck with your new-found independence!

You are dead on here. To provide all that information would have made for a very long post and only include unnecessary information. I am moving only a few blocks from my children in order to maintain my relationship with them, and allow them to walk over when they want to visit. I'm even going to get a phone (something I absolutely hate) so that they can call me. My wife, kids and I already have most of that worked out.



I've actually started into that process with a local community service. I've got a lot of stuff in my head that I need to work out first, then I'm going to start into vocational rehab and look into a part time job. My problem is that I'm afraid that I will fall into the trap that the comfort of isolation can provide while working through all the other stuff.



Thanks MissQ

I remember your previous post on this, because it resonated with my own situation.

I might very well be in your situation some time from now.

Every relationship is unique, AS or not.

I agree that a part time job can be a good idea. I feel a lot better mentally when spending time around others instead of staying home all week - but it's easy for it to become too much also...a balance.

I hate being alone all the time.

I get lonely. And with no one to check the flow of my ideas, I can ruminate off into some very odd places. Then I really feel like an alien when I go among people. I have avoided this since I was a young adult because I hated it.

I used to go to the movies just to be among people, but then I would feel worse going alone back to my apartment. Being alone too much, days on end, was not healthy for me.

It sounds like your current situation is bad, I hope you find a balance in the new situation and don't get into a different, solitary bad situation the way I did when I was young.

It's no doubt only obvious to you, because you've been reading between the lines. One would think that being on this site we would give people more leeway when it comes to assuming their motivations and thoughts just from subtext. "Part of what he has been yearning to escape from." It's pretty cold and offensive to just jump straight to that. But guess what? I can give you the benefit of the doubt and still assume you have good intentions in this thread, a courtesy that is nice to give people, especially people on the spectrum.

Please don't listen to people telling you never to date again. Human contact and intimacy is the most important thing in life. Don't EVER let ONE experience put you off.

Solitary confinement is never the answer, that's a horrid way to live and once your issues are resolved (as best they can) you can meet new people and try again.

Therapy, friendship, hobbies, family, a little comfort spending can provide the uplift you need to cope with your issues.

Hope this helps