How can I teach myself better anger expression?

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How can I teach myself to express my feelings in a more appropriate way?

When I am angry or frightened or stressed, I raise my voice and adopt aggressive body language (glary eyes, clenched teeth, tense muscles).

I dont mean to do it and dont notice myself doing it, so its hard to stop.

Ive a low EQ of 8 and score high for alexithymia so find it hard to 'read' myself or be aware of what Im feeling or what Im showing that Im feeling. I usually only know when people complain. My family is used to me and knows Im not intending to be aggressive so are tollerant of my ways, but friends and boyfriends are (understandably) not so accepting and do not tollerate it so i would like very much to not do it any more. It serves me very poorly as when Im very frightened people tend to 'go for me more' as I appear aggressive where as I think they would 'back down' a bit if they realised I was upset or frightened, this has been particularly noticable for me with interactions with professionals (social workers, teachers, therapists).

Ive tried solveing this previously by reading anger management books but they were not helpful as it was not quite the right thing, they were geared more toward people who were violent rather than people sending out the wrong signals or expressing themselves poorly. From those kinds of books Ive worked hard at meditating and cutting out stressful things (eg I dropped my masters course), but no one can clear all stress from their lives or never get cross at things. It does not help the underlying problem of me not seeing when Im raising my voice and not being aware how I look, and more importantly Im not even sure what I should do insted.

So how can I teach myself to express my feelings in a more appropriate way?

I used to find it really hard to realise when I was angry/ showing anger too; I'd only realise it when someone pointed it out to me, and by that stage I'd only get more p'd off when they did.

Firstly, there's nothing wrong with looking angry when you are angry. You shouldn't have to mask your feelings (unless at work). It's just what you do and how you calm down afterwards that's important.

Sometimes learning to recognise the things that trigger you off most frequently in advance, or the sort of pre-angry feelings you get can help, but if that doesn't work, maybe make a bargain with yourself that you'll walk away as soon as someone points it out, even if you think they're talking absolute rubbish; a break from them can still be helpful.

When you realise/it's pointed out you can quickly tell the other person something like 'I'm really really angry, I need to go for a walk. I'll be back in 10 minutes and we can talk then' (telling them you'll be back is important, otherwise they might get upset that you 'stormed off'). It's ok to tell them that you're really really pissed off; it's an emotion, not an accusation.

That only works if you can calm down whilst away. I find myself, I have about 10 minutes when I get even more angry (due to thinking over the situation), and returning during then is a bad idea, but after about 15 minutes I can physically feel the anger sloshing away, and I'm left calmer (if no less annoyed at the actual situation) and able to talk more calmly.

Some people find exercise and punching/screaming into pillows helps too, but again you need to know when to leave. An alternative might be to ask your family to leave you alone instead for a while, or to tell you to shoo for you.

You still need to come back afterwards though, and talk about it, otherwise it'll just bottle up.

Hope that's some help. I'm sorry to hear you had to drop your masters course. Can you take it up again at a future date?

Ive just bought some biodots, as they are supposed to go a different colour when you start to get tense, to try and train myself to stay in the 'calm zone'.

I can take up the masters course at a later date but I dont need it for anything and its not worth doing it if I get all stressed and grumpy writing essays or sitting exams.

Thats a good idea with the time out, often when I be angry is when I cant get a time out such as in the super market or getting ready for an appointment or school run. Im also bad when dealing with a supprise such as a phone call, I really need to cope better when things supprise me as it always throws me as Ive not prepared for it.

I need to read the early signs of anger before I get cross as like you said when Im already cross it makes me more cross if someone points it out lol.

The trouble is cos my children are insensitive aspies/auties they dont notice unless I really yell so they cant tell me Im starting to get cross, what I really need is an anti barking collar so I can see when I start raising my voice. Im not around anyone else enough for them to tell me.

I do need to change how I look though as I look too angry, and often when Im not angry but stressed or frightened. Ive been accused by a few people of trying to intimidate them, when I was not at all, because of my fierce glaring eyes. I probably need to say something in my head to stop it, like "relaxed mouth", "relaxed arms", to stop me tensing up and lookign aggressive.

Try being candid about your feelings; say "I'm not angry, I'm just frightened, and that makes me very tense." Let the other person know that you're expressing fear, just not in a way that they may be used to. It can be hard to lay it all out like that, but I think that someone who cares for you (a friend or boyfriend) would want to know.

Sometime when you're calm, make a list of your aggressive/angry displays and keep it in your pocket until you can commit it to memory. Practice going through the list, like this.

Jaw Clenched/Eyebrows Furrowed Relax the muscles in your face
Shoulders Raised Relax the muscles in your shoulders and chest
Fists Clenched Spread your fingers wide, then relax them completely
Aggressive Stance Take a small step back, relax your knees
Breathing hard Regulate your breathing 1-2-3, 1-2-3, in through the nose, out through the mouth

You won't remember every single time at first, but the more you practice the more natural it will become. When a person's frightened, it's natural to wrap their arms around themselves defensively. It's natural to remove themselves from the situation. Figure out what body language makes you most comfortable and learn it.

Does that help?

Hi Lotusblossom

I have this issue a lot, as I also have a high alexithymia reading.

I first learned about this when I saw a counsellor and she could not interpret my facial expressions or body language. Of course, I can't interpret them either.

I think the reactions of other people are based in their inability to determine the "message" we are displaying; that is, they are confused and this leads them to hostility. People do not like feeling confused.

Recently I have developed an idea that helps me recognise where I am at, and does not require identification of specific emotions. It uses a general measurement of body tension, rather than specific body sensations or "body language", which I have trouble distinguishing.

I think that the sensory aspects of alexithymia are significant... if "feelings" (emotions) are supposed to be felt as sensations in the body, any sensory issues will alter this process.

Anyway, here is my idea:

I imagine that I have "gears" like a car.

First and second gears are relaxed (usually solitary).

Third gear is everyday functioning.

Fourth gear is still functional but tense and tends to have irritable episodes.

Fifth gear is highly functional but concentrated and not open to interruption.

If I can try to stay in touch with which gear I am in, this is a good start.
When I am interacting with others, I try to stay in third gear and avoid the things that put me into fourth gear, such as getting too hot, spending too much time in a room with a lot of people, and so on.

I am also trying to learn things that help me change gears, so I can control my tension level purposefully.
The gears are all useful, none of them are bad, but they are suited to different contexts.
cheers
manBrain

Have you tried relaxation breathing?