I lost it at physical therapy!

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Ok, I moved to France (husband is French) last August with my husband and two little ASD kids. I have Asperger's and I have both general and social phobia. I have an auto immune disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis which fuses your joints in your hips and spine. I have been really bad these past three years. They did a bunch of tests on me that I will get results for on the 30th of this month but thought it would be a good idea if I did some water therapy. My husband took me in and I met the therapist and he did some massage and I was ok because my husband stayed in the room. I understand a lot of French but I have problems speaking it, I can not bring the words to mind for some reason....it may be my Asperger's I dont know. Part of this and part of the fact that I have social phobia makes it pretty scary to be left alone there. So we decided that my home health aide (I have two that come twice a week) would take me to therapy. My first hydro (water) therapy was yesterday. My husband took me and my aide was going to pick me up. As soon as we got there I started to panic and told my husband I didnt want him to leave. He finally said he would stay, didnt get mad at me, he understands me. So I got on my swim suit and the therapist had to take me back to the pool which is actually very small....sort of like a big bath tub....big enough to take about ten steps or so across, longer than wide. My husband told me that he had to go pick up a paper from the house (we dont live far away) and he couldnt come in the bath part with me anyway. At first there were just two older ladies but they kept laughing because I had trouble understanding the therapist. He finally left me and I did the exercises that he explained to me. The ladies left and all the sudden all these men started coming in. I was getting increasingly nervous and wondering when the guy was going to come back and tell me I could get out. I tried to keep doing the movements and just staring at the clock. This old guy came in and he stared at me, and then kept moving closer to me. Id move away and hed move again and the whole time just stared at me, never looking away. Finally just as I was about to just get out of the pool the therapist came in and told me to stand by the jets for two more minutes....the longest two minutes of my life. I got out took my shower and went out of the pool room and down to my dressing room only to find that there was no light. They were working on something in the ceiling next to it. So I managed to get dressed in the dark, I was shaking all over, I wanted to go home. I came out dressed clutching my bag of wet stuff and I could not find my therapist anywhere. There were people everywhere that just looked at me, I couldnt ask where to go and I just kept wondering around. No one offered to help so I guess maybe I did not look lost to them, sometimes my body language is off, I know. I finally found my therapist in another room with a patient so I just stood there in the doorway. He finally saw me and took me to a room. Thankfully there was a big therapy ball in there so I sat on that and tried to rock and bounce since I was alone. I did all my stimms that typically make me feel better. Rubbing my cheeks and rocking. Then I heard my husbands voice and I just lost it. I just started crying and he came in and tried to console me and explained to the therapist that we just needed to go home and it was too much stress.
I feel so bad....I dont know why I couldnt hold it together. My husband says I dont have to go to the bath anymore and we can just do massage and either he or my aide will stay with me. It makes me feel better but I feel pretty traumatized and Im nearly afraid to go back, the therapist probably thinks Im crazy. My husband did tell him I have autism but I dont know that he understands how I can look "normal" and then act like that, then again I dont know what he thinks. Its times like these that I just wish that I could handle things a bit better. I mean Ive been to Physical therapy before but it was in the US. Even though I was nervous as well my first couple of times I never lost it like this.
Sorry Im posting here, I like posting here rather than the Haven as I am 43 years old and I find that most people understand me better here. Does anyone have any similar things happen to them or have any advice. I know I need the therapy and I was thinking my husband can get me and the kids a pool for the summer and I can do some of the exercises in there.
Maybe I shouldnt be so hard on myself and maybe its just the fact that I cant speak French and I felt so lost and scared. Sometimes I just really feel bad for my husband!

If he has any compassion, I doubt it. He knows you have AS (both versions) and that you have a language barrier- that would be enough to make anyone stressed in a swimming pool.

Personally, I don't think he should have left you alone in the pool- there may have just been 2 little old ladies when he left, but as you showed, anyone could have walked in.

Sorry you has such a horrible experience.

I dont know that the physical therapist really understands. Im sure he may know what a child is like with autism but I dont know that he understands adults with Autism/Aspergers. Maybe he understands now....I feel ok with him so I think he is a nice guy, he seems that way to me. I am just embarrassed maybe? I should have taken a valium before I went and I will for now on. Its just that I take so much meds for my disease that taking my valium on top of that seems like a lot.

Hello lilolème,

I'm sorry you had that bad experience.

Since you can speak a little french, I suggest that next time you tell him how it was like for you and why you don't want to take one more and superfluous med before coming to do that physical therapy.

Something like: "Je sais, je crois, j'espère que ça ne s'est pas trop vu de l'extérieur mais j'étais en panique.
Quand vous êtes parti, que vous m'avez laissée toute seule, il n'y avait que deux vieilles dames avec moi dans le bain mais même là, j'ai eu peur. L'anxiété est montée d'un coup, je me suis trouvée en totale panique. J'ai fait du mieux que je pouvais mais à l'intérieur, ça n'allait pas du tout, je ne comprenais plus rien (ou pas grand chose).

S'il vous plaît, les prochaines fois, est-ce-que vous pouvez rester avec moi, le temps que je m'habitue ?
Après, plus tard, je sais que je pourrai faire seule mais les prochaines fois, le temps de m'habituer à l'environnement et aux gens (et eux à moi) est-ce-que vous pouvez rester avec moi ? Est-ce-que c'est possible ?"

The last question in case he is short on time and has to take care of 2 or 3 people at once.

Thank you Zena....Most of that went way over my head and far beyond my level of French but my husband is French so I will show that to him and he can let the therapist know. I dont know that my husband is explaining everything and I think maybe he is just expecting the therapist will understand.
I have been married to my husband nearly 10 years and my French is still rudimentary. I understand a lot but I have a hard time remembering and using words, when I need them they dont come to me. I actually can read more that I speak and I did get part of what you wrote. Again, I will show it to my husband and thank you.

You were placed in an environment which you found dis-orienting. You did not know what was going on and you felt you were in a vulnerable position, compounded by the fact that you couldn't communicate with anyone. I think a lot of people would have found this unnerving to be honest, even if there was no real threat.

I asked my adult NT daughter if I over reacted and she said yes but that she didnt blame me because it would have "freaked" her out so she understands why I reacted the way I did. Sort of the same thing you are saying Chronos only you explained it a bit better . I dont feel as bad as I did initially, not embarrassed anymore. I still did not go on Monday for my massage. Im going to wait for my husband to be on break so he can go with me until I feel more comfortable but, like I said, I am not going back in that bath thing!

Your story reminds of one time when I 'lost it' - in my case it was at a train station; a lot of things happened that day, a bit like you describe, there was a build up of stressors which individually I probably could have handled, but together culminated in me losing it when a guard blew a whistle. Obviously whistles are something that happens quite normally at a train station, but unexpected loud noise is also a major trigger for me, and it was the 'last straw'. I was taken away by a wonderful paramedic, and was able to explain about the Aspergers, and everything was ok - but I was embarrassed, and terrified of going back to that station.

I am lucky enough that I could use a different station for the majority of the time, but I did need to overcome the problem, as I do need to use that station from time to time.

I gradually reaccustomed myself, first of all by being accompanied by one of my trusted people.
Initially I was really scared even of leaving a train at that station. (the incident happened when I was trying to catch a train) but I started to rebuild my 'immunity' to the station, by getting off trains there. Then I caught different trains from different platforms, without deadlines, all of which was fairly untraumatic - and I am pleased to say, I have pretty much overcome my fears completely now.

I hope this is encouraging - and with time, help and support, you can become comfortable with that place again. It sounds like you have the right idea about getting back there, within your comfort zone and with support.