Aspie wants to give up on life

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I have a boyfriend with aspergers. We've been together four years and are now looking at separating. Last night he told me all the things he felt he could never tell me before. He said that he feels like he is flawed, ugly, and of no importance. He said the only reason he has remained alive is because of the impact it would have on relatives. Relatives that he says he never misses and/or even cares to talk to, but he doesn't want their pain on his head. He says every day is like agony for him and he feels like he has to be fake all the time. Fake with me and fake with his friends. He feels like he is deceitful in how he has to pretend to act to get along with people and that he knows he can never fully understand them. He said that he loves me but has no motivation to make me feel loved anymore. He said he lost it and doesn't know why. That I'm the only person he has ever loved and he thinks I will be the last. He doesn't want to try to meet someone again because he doesn't want to hurt someone again. Seeing me smile was his motivation for interacting positively with me and he says he has lost it. There was no one in his life that has ever done this for him until he met me. I think he is really scared and very lost. He says that he tries to find some sense of feeling, other than pain, all the time and tries new things. He is so desperate to feel something that he is unsure if he could be faithful to me for a lifetime and so he wants to end the relationship to save me pain.

I love him so much and I dont want him to feel so alone. He has been to several different therapists and he said he felt no improvement from it. Does anyone have thoughts on how he can be helped? Should I stay with him? I think he will be worse if I leave. There is no one here for him at all.

Last edited by donkey77 on 17 Jun 2011, 11:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

I feel that you should stay with him. If you don't stay with him he might take his own life.

Maybe you could leave him for several days, wait until he contact you himself?

Please Never mention anything happened before, whatever it is, just all things..

Or you can contact him after seveal days, but don't behave as desperate please, he may come back to you in this way..

I have felt similar things as him before. He may need mutual understanding, but it should be done very slowly....

I do not think he would. Please do not worry.

For the impacts on relatives and you, as you said above, I think he would not do so.

It sounds like depression has taken hold. I recognize that "everyone would be better off without me, I cause my loved ones only pain" line from before with other depressed people. I hope he is receiving treatment for depression. Perhaps your boyfriend might like to come online here and talk about it.

I did ask that he start talking to other aspies about it but he pushed the idea away. He is definitely depressed and I think he will keep sinking once I leave. I cant go home and just forget about him. I would be moving two states away and so the likelihood of us getting back together is slim. I feel that he could be depressed and that is causing everything for him to seem so worthless. We have our routines together and there are things he has never had to do because I'm with him. He will not only have the loss of me but multiple things thrown at him that he needs to figure out alone. I dont know what to do to help him feel better. I know it wont be easy but I need to do something to help him get back up. He is/was going to start school again this fall but he is unsure if he can stick with it. I was hoping learning new things would help give his mind a break from all the frustration. He is very bright and I know he has a hard time sticking to one thing.

Frankly, I'm just curious how this guy even got a girlfriend lol.


I'm a depressed, "would kill myself if it wouldn't hurt my parents so much" Aspy too and girls have never given me the time of day (and that's a major cause of my depression, though it's not the only cause).

The faking could be either depression or being aspie or both. I struggle with the idea of faking, thin line being learning social skill, practicing social skill and faking. I tell myself, engagement, not conformity, and that helps some, in some situations.

Maybe he's in a situation in which he can't promise to be faithful for all time, but he can promise to be faithful for this time.

A doctor who's a general practitioner (with some country smarts) once told me Mom that depression can start off situational and become biochem. which rang true for me.

Or, it can just start out biochem for no particular reason.

As I have read, something like Zoloft or Cymbalta might work great for some people and hardly do a thing for other people (or have unacceptable side effects), and no doctor in the world can predict in advance. That in a very respectable sense, it is trial and error. And---and here's the hard part---even if a medication has acceptable side-effects, it typically takes 4 weeks or so to tell if it's going to work. Well, in seven months or so, you cycle through seven medications. That's just the way the game is played. It might be the fifth one that starts to turn things around.

And depending on the particular medication, even if it does not seem to be 'working', it can also be important to come off it slowly.

A 'regular' doctor such as an internist or family practitioner can just as well prescribe an antidepressant as a psychiatrist. And since the needed traits are patience and a willingness to shift gears and keep trying, none of which a psychiatrist has a monopoly on (in fact, at times, kind of the opposite).

I am not a fan of mental health professionals, straight up. They tend to be egotists, prima donnas, people who love to pontificate and hear themselves talk, etc. In addition, (as people here at WrongPlanet occasionally report), psychiatrists can believe all kinds of things about Asperger's / Autism Spectrum, but that doesn't stop them from expounding on their favorite theory. And I really think, if your boyfriend is mulling over things about the past, that can be helpful to have someone to talk with. But if the professional is dredging, just burdening him with more things, not so helpful.

Other people have had more positive experiences. I fully acknowledge that and more power to them.

Here's a post I made a couple of weeks ago
Treating depression can be hit or miss (2009 article)
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt163505.html
very much trial and error

Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. just a pretty good guy, have lived the life and have done some reading and research, and that's all.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 17 Jun 2011, 1:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I am 42, male and diagnosed last year with aspergers.

This sounds like depression.

I have found that for myself the need to feel useful is everything. When I feel useful, I am alive. If not, I can get VERY depressed.

I HIGHLY recommend this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Things-Woman-Must ... 1849058032

It is short and worth its weight in gold.

For myself, I find that I can move mountains for my wife. I can barely move a dog turd for myself. It is all about proper motivation and leveraging emotions for our benefit. Since I am emotionally challenged, I rely on my wife to help me find the emotional keys to accomplishing tasks.

I recommend you initiate some small tasks for him. Tasks that he can accomplish. As he accomplishes tasks for you, he will begin to feel better, more empowered and will be ready to take on larger tasks. Be near but don't micromanage or hover. Leave him alone but be available during depression times. He needs solitude but wants companionship.

This is how I defeat depression. My wife understands this and uses this tactic deftly (female wiles). If I fail at a task, it is immediately replaced with another to prevent me from stewing over a failure.

It is amazing how good I feel when I accomplish something for others and win a smile. All my wife has to do is leverage that. Trust is key here. Do not take advantage of him or use this power to do evil or it will backlash and he won't trust you again. Do emphasize your appreciation and watch the mountains move.

Regards

Brother, have you thought about politics? And I mean, seriously. You contribute to better discussions and hopefully better decisions. And for all it's frustrations, you are out there meeting people including women.

Or maybe back to school and pursue medicine, architecture, law, accounting or another profession of your choice. Please continue to dream big. We on the spectrum can make contributions. And I know that's tough when down.

If you think your depression might have a biochem component, please see all the above. Some of the medications probably won't work for your particular biochem, but some might.

I have heard that people like us precisely for our broken places. Well, maybe. That's a bit of optimistic zen, but maybe. Let's say some of the time shall we.

Huh??!? No I'm not.



No way am I taking out loans for another useless degree. And no, I can't make contributions...I am a worthless sack of s**t that should have never been born.

SadAspy, my boyfriend thinks that he should never have been born too. I love him and like him in every way possible. Keep trying to overcome your depression because you are very important.

Well unlike your boyfriend, I've never had a woman who wasn't related to me give two s**ts about me.

But really, I'm more depressed because of my inability to find stable employment. How does your bf do in that department?

I relate. Doing voluntary work at a local woodland conservation charity helps for me. The woods are very peaceful, and the work I do appreciated.

I myself struggle with jobs. Now, I have been a manager of a photocopy store, and did a pretty good job, and have had other okay jobs. I even taught at a Catholic high school for one year (my contract was nonrenewed because I didn’t control my students). I lived on my own from 1982-84 and again from 1985 to 2008. From Oct. 2008 to the present, I have been back living with my parents, and it has been damn difficult.

There should be more good jobs. To me, that’s an obvious social justice question. If we had a 5% shortage of insulin, I don’t think people would so readily say, it’s a great market for insulin seekers! But that is exactly what people do say about jobs. Now, of course, it’s higher. Unemployment is currently around 9%, and higher if we count people working part-time who are seeking full-time and people no longer carried on unemployment rolls.

Most people in general just blithely accept the status quo and I have never really have understood that about people.

The aspie traits of independent thinking makes us better potential entrepreneurs, but I guess ‘difficult’ employees. The problem is that 80% of new businesses fail, straight up, the most common reason being that the entrepreneur does not really have enough money to get it going and keep it going and is attempting to start it on a shoe string, and that usually doesn’t work. In particularly, it often takes longer to build a client base than people estimate. I like the idea of starting a service business run out of my home or car that I can almost start for free. For the last six months, in part-time fashion, I have been trying to promote my SAT tutoring business and it has been slow going. I have yet to get my first client, although I have tutored before. But I haven’t spent much money on it, and that’s the way I want it. Some time, but not much money.

A lot of work places I think I have flat-out tried too hard and that has made people uncomfortable.

I got a bachelor’s degree in psychology when I was 28. And, no, it has not been particularly helpful.

Yup....I have a MASTERS (also in a field that's not lucrative lol). I guess what really depresses me is that the unemployment rate for college graduates is only 5%. Everyone who completed the same graduate program as me has been able to find a decent job. Yeah, maybe they're not making six figures, but they're making a living, unlike me.