Communication in relationships

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I find that my BF and I are often miscommunicating. I'm ADHD and I'm beginning to suspect possible AS as well. He isn't officially anything but I think he may well be ND in one way or other.

I think that I'm often blunt and direct with no idea that I am doing it. I seem to upset him inadvertantly, which isn't good. He seems to feel critisised when non is intended, but I don't know if he is being over sensitive, or if I am saying the wrong thing, or both.

He says I am very literal, but then he says I don't explain myself, I'm not really sure what is happening a lot of the time, but it seems like what I say and what I think I say, and what he hears and what I said just don't seem to be the same.

He says that he can only base things on what I say, but I think that he infers things that I didn't say.

Because its a long distance relationship, much of this is over the phone which I find difficult. I can't work out the non verbal clues over the phone at all, and he seems to misinterpret mine (mis reading my mood for example, or thinking I'm ranting when I just think I am thinking out loud and talking too much in an adhd sort of way)

Face to face is generally better although not perfect.

I really want to work on improving this as he is lovely and I want us to not keep getting upset and frustrated over this.

Any thoughts?

How are you at writing?
I write much better than I speak...it gives me time to think about what Im saying. Also I met my husband online so even though we have been married for nearly 10 years and have been together for 12 I still write to him sometimes when we have some issue that I dont feel comfortable speaking about. It may sound odd but it works. He can either write back to me or just comment verbally.

I think liloleme's suggestion is good; when you write, you can re-phrase things and read over before sending. It's hard to do that on the phone and when there's a gap between conversations, it's easy to mull over what the other person has said and come to the wrong conclusions.

It may not be you that's the problem, or him; it might just be the stress of missing each other or other issues in your lives overspilling.

That's a good idea, we used to email or chat on the computer a lot and that was better.

But if anyone has any ways I can improve communication when its verbal then I would be very interested too.

I've been able to spend more time with him recently which has helped, but I would be interested if anyone has any experience of miscommunication and ways to deal with it.

I have miscommunication in all my relationships, Ive not found anything which helps. The only advice Ive been given which made sense was to find a tolerant partner who did not mind working through misunderstandings.

I think aspies need a partner who is committed to staying with them and working through problem as relationship stuff is hard for aspies and is going to have difficulties and 'steep learning curves'.

Writing is good. My wife and I met online, too. And we regularly write notes to each other in addition to talking.

This situation is nearly the exact as mine. I am struggling with the same difficulties with the communication in my long distance relationship. Those kind of misunderstandings between my boyfriend and I happen all of the time. Have you spoken with him about this? Explained your difficulties understanding the clues?
Also, tell him to try and be more direct with you. If something bothers or upsets him, ask him to clarify if that was your intention, or tell you that what you said was upsetting AND WHY.

If you are blunt or being literal, and there is no underlying negative emotion or extra meaning tied to your words, then many people will try to put their own meaning in there. They see the "blank space" where they think should be some sort of extra or double meaning, and they fill it in with whatever they first think of.


It's like giving a black and white painting to a small child, and they immediately think that they should color it in, because in their mind it's not a real piece of art until it is colorful. The colored in painting looks messy and childish. Any judgment about the painting cannot be done without seeing the colorful mess.


The black and white painting would be a literal or blunt statement. It is what it is, you're not trying to say anything else. Or maybe you are, but it isn't anything negative. The child would be your bf or anyone who misinterprets what you say, and by trying to fill in their own meaning (coloring the white in the black and white painting), they often make a mess of the situation by creating problems where there originally were none. Maybe he WANTS the conflict. Some people are like that, or they simply have hidden or suppressed feelings that they do not know how to express, so they search for any outlet where they can vent their anger or sadness. I do not know your bf or you or any of your specific conversations so I cannot say what he is misreading or why.

This is really something you are going to have to resolve with him, because it is not as simple a matter as a solution to a broken appliance. Communication is subjective in most cases, unfortunately. If he cannot understand you, then perhaps you should study relationship communication (there are billions of magazines and books on this. I cannot name any off the top of my head because I never actually read them. LOL.).
If the misunderstandings are over nothing of importance, and can be easily forgotten or remedied by whatever you two do together or it simply does not bother either of you that much, then I doubt there is anything you should go out of your way to change the way you say things to accomodate. If, however, these misunderstandings are frequent and causing significant distress in your relationship, I recommend searching for as many resources you can on relationships and psychology, and possibly books on semantics/etiquette/diplomacy.

Good luck. Let me know if I have been unclear in any way.

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense.

I realised recently that although I had told him about my difficulties, he hadn't really taken that information in. Because I am intelligent and have friends he really didn't believe that I could have such difficulties. I think that my difficulties do tend to be hidden and I mostly manage well enough with learnt responses.

I also realised that he assumed that I had learnt a lot of normal things the normal way growing up, and that he thought if I didn't behave in a certain way that I was being difficult, rather than me just not knowing (a lot of my family are ND in different ways and maybe my childhood wasn't really conventional)

He was colouring in the the gaps in different ways but now I get it and he is beginning to get me I think that we can probably get through this.

Things are a bit better at the moment. I think he is starting to get it and to understand me a bit more. Also he is being less "polite" and telling me at the time when I upset him, instead of him being too nice to tell me and then getting upset and brooding on it for a long time, making it worse than it was.

Thanks for your help.