Those in long-term relationships... How does it work?

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I have AS, and I've been in a "relationship" with an NT woman for about 7 years. We have a son together.
But we were only emotionally-together for a few months, at that.
Very quickly, the kinds of growing-closer interactions that one might expect in a serious relationship came to an end and we've been at-odds ever since. Arguments and fights are a nearly every day occurrence. I was in denial about my AS problems for years and even now after really understanding them, things haven't gotten any better. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't be the kind of person she needs, and she just is not the kind of person I need.
We've continued living together due to financial constraints, albeit very unhappily.
Now we're at a point where I will probably be moving out later this year, and I'm getting retrospective about the whole thing.

I'm curious, to those who have managed to stay in successful, long-term relationships... How have you managed to do it? How does it work for you? What are the sorts of personality and behavioral traits that are compatible in your situation?

Thank you so much for your input

I am not sure about NT/Aspie relationships. But I am in an Aspie/Aspie one. We have just become engaged. The major obstacles that we had to overcome were communication styles. I felt at times, that he was emotionally distant just when I needed him to be there for me. We had to discuss why I was hurt, and what he could do to make it better next time. Next, his reticence made it hard for me to know if I was stressing or overwhelming him (I am very verbal) so we had to work out a hand signal that would tell me that he needs me to stop talking for a while. Being willing to communicate without shouting is very important. By the time you are shouting, there is little possibility of having anything resolved. I started seeing a counselor, and she gave me excellent pointers. I also read articles on relationships, and discovered that everyone has different "fighting" styles. I figured out our respective styles and how to make them work for us. I am finding that relationships take a lot of work. And that the minute you start taking that other person for granted, or they do the same to you, it will be downhill from there.

Are you pretty much resigned to leaving her? What about your child?

I stayed in a marriage with a non-aspie for 19 years. We finally just were miserable around each other all the time and decided that it was time to give up trying. I was undiagnosed for all but two years of the marriage and we had fight after fight. On the good side, we are divorcing and it is amicable.
A lot of our fights were communication issues due to my aspergers. But also many were due to a simple lack of compatabilty. As the years passed we grew farther apart and stopped doing things together. No matter how hard we tried, there just wasnt enough in common to make the arguing and hurt feelings worth continuing married life together.
Like you I would love to know how the successful ones do it.

Hope some of this makes sense. Just be sure to keep your son as the number one priority. Pick your battles and remember that she will always be in your life because of your son.

I've had a few disastrous long-term relationships and one that seems to be working (particularly in the areas where the others failed), so I'll give my personal theory.

I think one of the most important things is compatibility. In a lot of relationships I see, both parties can be trying to make it work but some differences are always going to be unsurmountable. In my own bad relationships, a lot of the problems stemmed from getting too involved with someone before I really 'knew' them, whereas my current partner and I were close friends for a year before we started a romantic relationship. I think you need to know both the big things about a person (their religious beliefs, if they want kids), and the little things that are important to you (will they eat your cooking, are they comfortable wearing a costume in public), before getting too attached to someone.

My mother's therapist says it's important for couples to have shared interests and hobbies, and I've found this to be true. I means you spend time together, and you've always got something meaningful to talk about.

hm either to have the same relationship style or try to find the missing part somewhere else. for example you either both need to be non-demanding people or if one needs lots of emotional support, that one can have a friend that can serve for that purpose.
and i agree that big relief comes when you realize that the other person is not going to change so you need to make it work (or give up) with what he/she is.

what helps us too, are away-business trips when you realize that you miss your spouse.

I've been married almost 12 years. My hubby was diagnosed about 2 years ago with AS. How do we make it work? I supported him, emotionally when he wanted to get his PhD in Chemistry. I shared his obsessions as much as possible, by joining clubs with him and making friends who accept him for who he is (he's made friends in the last year that were the first friends he'd made since childhood). We both watch eachother grow and change and don't expect to have the same spouse we had 12 years ago.

I've been in a relationship with my fiance for 10 years now. I'm the aspie in the relationship, but he has aspie tendencies, which makes things easier. We never have shouting matches - I tend to shut down verbally when things are not going well.

He would like more intimacy in the relationship, especially in the sex department.

We do have to work together to keep the relationship going, as he does like to go out with his friends, leaving me on my own. He is my interface to the world, so I hate it when he isn't around.
We are interested in the same things, so it makes it easier to get along.

People do change though, I wouldn't feel bad about drifting apart. It happens, not anybodies fault.

Open communication and trying to understand the other person, these have worked for us.

Forgiveness. I'm a complete emotional wreck type of aspie, who flies off the handle easily and has complete breakdowns over stupid stuff. He forgives me and accepts that I don't mean to do it. He's a completely disorganised, lives in chaos sort of aspie, who creates all sorts of messes which I have to tidy up or resolve. I forgive him and accept that he doesn't mean to do it (although I may have a complete breakdown first. )

I was in a really bad relationship but I was very stubborn Aspie and insisted on making it work. I had my first three kids from my first marriage....wonderful to bring children into a bad relationship....I was young...too young. I married at age 18 and had my first baby a few months shy of my 20th birthday. I stayed with my X who was bi polar for nine years but was legally married for 11 years. I was alone, just me and my three kids for a few years then I met my husband, we will have been married for 10 years in September and we have two kids together, my 6 year old daughter has classic autism and my 9 year old son has Asperger's. I am diagnosed with Asperger's and my husband is undiagnosed or as I like to call him the half-spie. Considering he has very few problematic symptoms and he has a PhD I highly doubt he would get or need a diagnosis. I am another story, I have issues . Our relationship works because, I think, my husband has enough aspie to understand me and we never run out of things to talk about. I think the best thing you can have as a couple is friendship or mutual interests. I mean we have our own interests as well but we love to find things on the internet or hear about things in the news and we will sit and talk about them for hours.....well we typically have to talk about dolphins or pokemon at times because that is what my son wants to talk about . We also recognize and respect when we each need our alone time. Sometimes we are both here on the bed with our laptops. We are together but doing our own thing. We are still very much "in love" and when I think about my first marriage its like it never happened, like it was some kind of bad nightmare. I felt like I started living after I left my X and being married to my husband enhances my life far more. Also he is a huge help to me and he enjoys what I give to him and the efforts I put forth to make to make him happy. I like to cook for him.....Im not a good housekeeper or anything like that....thankfully due to my auto immune disease I now have aides that come and clean my house for me....but I do love to cook. Sometimes we are both like big kids, we love to play video games and board games with our kids and we laugh at what my older daughter calls "stupid stuff". I guess its just finding someone who gets you and who you enjoy being with and vice versa. I recommend dating for a long time at least a year or two not living together then try living together before you do something crazy like get married . I think its good to learn someone to see if you are compatible and happy together.

I'm an Aspie. My husband is an NT but he's a very unique and brilliant guy. We've been together 20 years. The first few years I was playing really hard at being 'normal', and when I gradually gave that up, we had some difficult times. Don't even get me started on the apologies thing. 20 years, and I still haven't figured out why, sometimes when I apologize, it doesn't count! He really does love me for an individual, for who I am, not some imaginary NT version of me. So he doesn't try to make me into that person.

We've made a lot of compromises. We used to have a lot of conflict because he would clean the house much more than me. I agreed that it was unfair, but I didn't think those chores were that important, so I couldn't bring myself to do a lot of things. Like, make the bed? Why would I waste my time on that? Now we've divided up some chores, and only do the other ones when really necessary. Making the bed? Never. Vacuuming? Once a month. Washing the dog? When she rolls in something gross. It's not like we ever have company over (*shudders*), so who exactly are we trying to impress? No one.

We share a lot of the same interests. For example, we play World of Warcraft together. Shared obsessions is definitely a key to happiness.

One thing that really helps is that we've got an open marriage, so he can get the kind of snuggly encouragement he needs sometimes from his girlfriend, because he KNOWS I can't provide it. And he's got about 3 times my sex drive, but again - girlfriend.

He used to talk to me when I was in the middle of stomething, and I would answer him without even hearing it, basically just that little piece of my brain dedicated to getting rid of interruptions trying to make him go away. It drove him crazy! And I don't blame him. Now, when he wants to talk to me, he'll call my name, wait a few seconds, then call it again. He waits for me to turn and look at him, THEN starts to talk.

He'll sometimes say things like, "OK, this really bugs me. I know it's hard for you to do X, but could you maybe do Y?" And we'll find a solution. When I really need some alone time, or time to focus on something I'm doing, I let him know, and he gives it to me. And he tends to have more insight into my own emotional state than I do. He'll tend to notice I'm upset about something before I do, and help me figure out what's bothering me.

Basically, he's awesome.

Luck? lol

I'm AS with an NT partner (neuroatypical). There are a lot of problems, a lot of times when I think we annoy each other - I'll avoid going into details given as he uses this forums, what isn't down to stress with our current situation, the rest may be down to a combination of my AS and his being a little needy, you can understand why/how that may be an issue.

He is not only tolerant of my AS, but understands far better than anyone else has been able to. Another big plus for us is that we tend not to fight, we get to a point when we're angry/frustrated at each other or when we argue, and we just go in a huff for a little bit - I think this is because we don't want to lose each other or just can't be bothered to fight, so we'll have a huff for five minutes rather than let it get any more serious, then we just get over it and carry on after we're done being in a huff with each other.

I have been with my husband for 17 years, so I guess that's long term.

I am on the spectrum (diagnosed) and my husband is not ... although he definitely has some strong autistic traits.

When we first met he told me he enjoyed spending time with me because he didn't feel he had to talk.
This has not changed.

How does it work? Pretty well

There are some things about me that frustrate and annoy him, and some things about him that frustrate and annoy me.

But generally we are quite quiet and get on with things and find enjoyment in the time we spend together (we have separate interests which you would think would pull us apart, but actually gives us the space we need so that when we are together we are able to be "present").