Moving forward from here?

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I just want to start off saying the thread below is relevant to my issue, but not quite what I needed, so I'm starting a separate thread.

/postt164030.html

(seems that I can't post a link directly since I haven't yet posted 5 times, so I've just left the last half of the link)

I am someone who feels that he has surpassed Asperger's in many if not all ways. The idea was presented in a book that I've read that the mind can be shaped, and change. Neural connections can develop as behavior changes.

I have pushed myself a long way, so far that I've almost forgotten what it's like anymore to not understand social interaction, or the intent of others. I still have issues with names/faces at times but I feel that the level at which I have an issue with it anymore can be considered normal in a lot of people without Asperger's as well.

I guess what I want to discuss is, for those that feel that they have beaten a lot of the negative aspects of Asperger's, it can become frustrating to look back on all of it and see what's behind you, knowing what's ahead. All the tiring effort at self-improvement and battling the misunderstandings of others as you slowly but surely improve.

I guess I'm just searching for someone else in my shoes. I wrote journal after journal. Talked to person after person. I went through so many changes that it's begun to feel like I've hit a wall (even though I know I can push past it as well)... It's just a frustration to have found another hurdle.

In my relationship, I have found myself in a situation where I'm living in a new state. After a year of acclimating myself to the social differences, and much improvement, I still feel stuck. It's the littler things like: trying to get myself up in the morning, my girlfriend not understanding me when I have different requests depending on different situations, trying to deal with my lack of direction while also trying to give my girlfriend a direction to strive for.

I used to take some things for granted when I was single and on my own. The ability to take my time getting ready. Not being asked so many questions about my intent. Being able to ignore certain things and situations until I knew I was ready to reply, choosing what I ate. Such things have been relegated to the position of 'out-of-my-hands' due to my girlfriends parents involvement. Lacking full control of my situation could not of come at a worse time since all I crave is self-reliance.

I want to buy a car, and get myself into college..but as I think about those two things I can't help but be flustered by the little details. To prove to myself that all that effort was going to make it possible for me to get my first car. To get into college after such a long deployed effort at finding my desires, and knowing what I would be interested in studying.

Any response would be appreciated, I am just hoping for a bit of input of where to go from here.

I'm kind of in the same boat. I've finally realised that over the years I have learned a lot of the skills I lacked once upon a time and now it's just a matter of being confident enough to use them. I'm about to enter the 9-5ish workforce though and I'm worried that will be a whole new set to learn.

With regards to the small things in your relationship, I wonder if you're attributing every flaw you have to your AS? Whilst its invaluable to learn to muddle along with your partner, you will never be 'perfect' and neither will she.

Some things aren't just your problem to fix so if you've dealt with the obvious ones, it sort of boils down to personal tics and issues which (imo) don't go away without arguments and discussion from both parties.

i. buy a really annoying alarm clock. Set the time slightly ahead but not at a round number (i.e. 3.4 minutes fast) so that it's difficult to calculate how long you can 'snooze' for whilst you're still half asleep- I find that by the time I've done the maths, I'm (grudgingly) awake.

ii. Have you tried telling her just that ('I have different requests at different times- bear with me') and then remind her of that next time you're in that situation? You could also look out for a few occasions when she isn't 100% consistent either (not to accuse her, just to show that it's a similar thing).

iii. It's not really your job to provide her direction. That's up to her, especially if you don't know where you're going yourself. All you can do is support each other along the way.


Even though you're looking for self-reliance, perhaps here is one of those occasions where you would benefit from talking to someone who's been there before you? or even someone who's willing to help you with the paper-work. It can be very daunting otherwise.

It's great that you have sorted out your difficulties, but maybe you are getting frustrated because now you have reached a new challenge, you have cracked the "on your own" issues, now you have to do some of the same work again, but in the different context of "in a relationship". Maybe its frustrating because you feel like you are going backwards a bit?

Not only your girlfriend, but also her parents are impacting on your strategies for dealing with things. Its bound to be difficult. But if you managed to sort out everything before, you can do it again.

Maybe work out what you really need and communicate this to her, work out some things you can compromise on?

Anyway I wish you luck with this.

You have likely developed what has been termed "explicit theory of mind", which is, you have taught yourself the ways of the NT world through intentional, analytical means, and through practice, much of this has become second nature to you.

But AS is more than social difficulties. Our minds just work differently and that underlying neurology will always be a part of you. You are still perfectly capable of doing everything you want to do, as long as you allow yourself to do it the way you need to do it.

It's much like the difference between being right handed and left handed. People who are left handed learn to write, however people who are left handed cannot learn to write efficiently if they are forced to write the letters in the same manner that people who are right handed write them.

A person who is right handed will start an e from the middle, looping around to the bottom, however a person who is left handed usually finds it more efficient to write the e starting at the bottom and looping up to the top. A right handed person is free to drag their wrist along the page as they write because there's nothing to smear in it's path. A person who is left handed often has to angle their wrist up so as to not smear what they've already written.

Likewise, a person with AS simply goes about navigating the world in a different manner, which is most efficient to them. The only walls you are hitting are the ones you are building for yourself.

When I was in my late 20's I often heard of all the parties my cousins, who were in the early 20's used to go to, and all of the fun they had, and for a while, I was envious and wondered to myself why I never went to parties and night clubs and had that type of fun when I was in my early 20's....and then I remembered. I hate those types of parties, and night clubs. I hate the crowds and confusion and the irresponsibility of the people. The only thing that made those events fun for my cousins was the fact that they enjoyed that type of atmosphere, and I came to realizes, I wanted to have fun, but for me, fun was something else entirely. How silly would be if I kept becoming frustrated with myself for not liking loud parties and night clubs...for not being a person I thought I should be?

As well as I hide it, I'm not neurotypical and I've come to respect the fact that I just operate a little differently under the surface.

I was exactly the same! It's only in the last couple of years I've felt comfortable enough to stop kidding myself that that's what I want to do!

There's something about a real theory of mind that can't be duplicated by learning - if your facial muscles don't twitch in time with your tormentors, then there's no way to gain their trust.

Thanks for all the responses. I really think I'm going to be coming to this forum a lot because it's really nice here and I noticed that everyone here seems to be like minded to me, it's very comforting.. Different people and theories and ideas but somehow the same.

I guess it must be true that I will always be different and I do like that. Like it was described above about being a leftie or a right-y.

I see things from a completely different angle and I've developed a lot of generalized views of things. I run into a lot of difficulty in discussing what I believe and such sometimes, and in describing why I need things to be like I do. I have to a large degree learned how to operate and make it look exactly like it's meant to according to normal eyes, but I will always see it from another angle.

What is the "NT world"?

I'm also interested in hearing more about this 'explicit theory of mind' concept.

As early on as second grade I was experimenting on what would work in relations to other people since it was so obvious how I was acting was not normal. I have indeed spent a lot of time intentionally editing every facet of my belief structure, actions, movements, and everything.

When I was a kid I spoke without knowing what the words I was saying meant. Now I speak, knowing what I mean, but having forgotten the actual definitions of the words a lot of the time. I just hope that with luck, what I actually mean to say is not lost in translation..

Guess I will leave it there and see where we go.