It feels like he's not listening

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(not sure if this is the right place to post, but I'm putting it here, as it related to a major issue I have within my marriage - I am a self-diagnosed female Aspie, currently seeking medical diagnosis, and my husband is NT)

Almost daily, and sometimes more often, when I ask my husband something he doesn't answer the question I ask, and I get really really wound up by it.

This afternoon, I asked him if he had had a chance to talk to my dad about looking after our son on Tuesday night. When he answered he reeled off a who raft of possibilities for things happening on Wednesday, comments on my mother's dentist appointment, and other - to me - completely irrelevant detail. When it seems the answer to my question was 'yes'....as in 'yes he has had a chance to speak to my dad'. Following that answer, the next question I might have asked could possibly have been about the conversation they had had, but my head was asking a question a scheduling of the conversation and I still needed an answer about the schedule. I asked this question, because I was just saying goodbye to my dad (who is looking after our son tonight), and wanted to mention scheduling time for a conversation with him - possibly for the next day when we go to pick up our son. And by the time I had determined that the conversation had already happened (and hence the answer to my question was 'yes') my husband had already driven us away, and we were 2 or 3 miles from my dad, which meant the whole thing was now irrelevant, and I couldn't now speak to my dad even if I wanted to.

It also so happens that by describing the conversation they had had, I felt my husband had completely missed the point about why the conversation was supposed to happen, and the resulting 'options' didn't include any mention of the whole reason why I wanted to ask about Tuesday night in the first place.

So....long story....but why doesn't he listen?!
Obviously I already know the answer, he "thinks" he listens, but he doesn't pay enough attention to the details of the question I ask in order to answer the right question, and he answers what he thinks I meant to ask, now what I actually asked. (typical NT brain )

So the real question is, does anyone else find this sort of thing happening?
And does anyone have an strategies for me to cope with this? - rather than telling him 'he's not b****y listening AGAIN' and storming off until I get a grip again.

I'd also love to know how to get him to listen, but I presume that's never going to happen - although perhaps there's a better way I can ask questions to get the correct answer?

I understand your frustration. My ex still can't answer a question with a straight answer. He's an ex for many reasons, his obfuscation being the least of the problems; but even today having to deal with him is a teeth-grinding experience. I end up telling him what's going to happen instead of asking him what he would prefer... and that seems to work well for both of us.

For you, though, I recommend...

Say, "Yes or no, did you talk to my dad?"

When he starts to ramble off, interrupt and say, "Yes or no, did you talk to my dad?"

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Refuse to budge from your spot until you receive the answer. Say, "Don't leave yet. Yes or no, did you talk to my dad?" say "Stop the car. Don't drive yet. Yes or no, did you talk to my dad?" Open your door so he can't drive away.

He might get offended at first because you've never treated him this way before, even with the kind tone you will use to do it, but you want the information. Hopefully it will also open the dialogue to be able to tell him how you feel about the lengthy monologues and ask him how he would prefer you to handle him when you just need the bottom line answer. While I wish I could recommend that you have a discussion with him about his lengthy monologues before you make him bottom line an answer, I know that most people do actually need an attention grabbing experience to be open to such a dialogue.

Good luck!

I think the best approach is talk to him. Sit with him and explan why you need straight answers. Probably he does not understand what's happening. Probably even then you will have to remind him a couple of times. If you already talker to him then you can try the interrupting approach. It was hard for me to understand that about my husband and I still continue providing too much info at times.

Haha, I so relate! My boyfriend cannot answer questions properly either. If I ask him an "OR" question, for example "do you want to stay in tonight or go out", he won't tell me which choice he prefers! He'll go off and say some random things about what he did earlier that day or what he is doing tomorrow or something about some thoughts he is having, but not the answer I was asking for. I think your boyfriend is the same - it isn't that he's not listening, it's just that he doesn't take the grammar of your question as seriously as you do. Happens to me all the time. Good luck!

exactly - nice to know I am not alone anyway!

how do you deal with it then?

My husband is the same way. Yes or no questions work well for us. Email is good too, surprisingly. When he does reply, we both have a record of the conversation. I can't begin to tell you how much better my husband and I communicate since we got iPhones...it's crazy, right?

You kinda have to be good at asking the right questions.

The thing with NT's is that they process your question through an emotional filter that makes them think you're asking something other than what you really did ask. They will hear your question, ask themselves why you'd want to know, leap to some conclusion based on their own emotional state, re-phrase your question in their own mind as something entirely different, and then finally verbalize their answer not to YOUR question but to one that they just invented in their heads.

Most of them don't do it to deliberately obfuscate or any other bad reason, they just have NT brains that do this to them automatically. So try not to get too mad if they are doing it innocently.

What you have to do is ask questions which are extremely specific and leave no room for margin of interpretation.

For example, when you asked "Do you want to go out or stay in tonight?", he emotionally filtered your question to mean, "How are you feeling tonight and please tell me all about your day?"

So of course his answer sounds like idiotic rambling to you. But he thought you really asked him that. NT's are anti-literal as much as Aspies are literal, so there's the reason why.

Instead you should have asked, "Are you coming with me to see Harry Potter at the cinema tonight at 7?"

When you ask very specific questions you're more likely to get more specific and literal answers from NT's.

When you asked your husband, "Have you had a chance to talk to my Dad about babysitting the kids on Tuesday?" your NT husband may have re-interpreted your question to mean, "Do you and my Dad have a pretty good relationship? How do you feel about talking to him?" or something equally confusing and apparently unrelated.

If you had asked instead, "Is my Dad gonna babysits the kids on Tuesday?" then I bet you would have gotten a straighter answer (no guarantees, though!)

So my advice for you when the wrong question gets answered is to listen politely, smile and nod, and then re-ask the question you really wanted answered in a more specific way -- use different wording, too, and try to simplify and specify the details. I would hesitate to do as the other poster above advised to repeat the same question over and over, because that's quite likely to make your partner angry with you (unless he's your ex so you don't care!)

I'm starting to think this may be a "guy thing." My hubby has AS and can't give a straight answer. He gets caught up in his own thoughts and will answer the question he was expecting. If I ask a y/n question, many times he will look up, look at me (so I know he's listening), take a deep breath, then answer. I think patience has been a big help in our marriage. I'm the NT in the relationship and I'm extremely logical...that's why we have such a good marriage.