40+ Something L&D - Maintaining Relationships (7/10)

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The purpose of this thread is to facilitate discussions among 40+ something WP members about the how to and why of maintaining and/or elevating the commitment level” (including if it is worthwhile after a specified period of time – romantic cost/benefit analysis of sorts).

The logical approach?

I can't help but make the analogy of an automobile when I read HopefulRomantic s wording

We all have some mileage on us, we all need an oil change, a wash and wax, and interior detailing.

Tires need rotating and replacement before they are so worn that cords are showing. If they wear quickly you might want to check their alignment

Taking care of ones vehicle is essential to reliability and durability if you want to travel the long road of life.

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Gadge,

I think we must be on the same wavelength. Last week, my friend Rob who lives in Raleigh, NC called me because he and his wife Barb are having serious problems with their marriage. I wound up using an analogy about the "finely tuned, complex" engine of a sports car which requires continuous maintenance in order to keep performing in a top notch way. Bottom line is if you want the long-term performance - then you have to keep up the maintenance continuously.

Suffice it to say, Rob and Barb will hit their 5 year anniversary on 12/30/11. My ex hubby (he was best man) and I (bridesmaid) were both in the wedding party. Barb had two adorable young children from a previous marriage and since they got married they had one together who will be three in March. Based upon what Rob told me, he is doing 95% of the work: brings home the lion's share of the income (he's a Senior IT consultant for IBM who works from home), he does the vast majority of the cooking and childrearing duties (taking care of the children, making sure they do their homework and helping them with it, tending to them when they are sick, running them around to parties, sports events and music/dance/Boy Scouts/Girl Scouts what have you. Bard does some very light cleaning and the laundry. They have a cleaning person come in once a week.

Barb is a diva sorts (she is a piece of work) and I think she is pushing Rob to his limit. Obviously, she has not changed one bit: she ran off all his friends and has alienated herself from his family. Sadly enough, she is clueless as to her own self-destructive, narcissistic behavior and now she just might lose Rob who is a SAINT to have put up with her for this long! Some people just never get it!

I actually had written much more of a "finely tuned" sorts.

I thought some wouldn't get it and decided to make it short and to the point.

Well apparently some people do understand my analogies.

Yes, like I said I think we are on the same wavelength. Some people like diva Barb is oblivious! Some things or people for that matter never change!

I wouldn't say my former wife was a diva, although she was beautiful, in my eyes. She did finally grind my gears to the point of being inoperable.She broke the gadget and I'm still trying to put my pieces back together

Defination,..I think its kinda funny because of my past experience as a race car fabricator/ helicopter mechanic and turbo-compressor fitter/fabricator & technician in the petrochemical/ air separation field

>Operability is the ability to keep an equipment, a system or a whole industrial installation in a safe and reliable functioning condition, according to pre-defined operational requirements.

In a computing systems environment with multiple systems this includes the ability of products, systems and business processes to work together to accomplish a common task such as finding and returning availability of inventory for flight.

In the gas turbine engine business, engine operability is the ability of the engine to operate without compressor stall or surge, combustor flame-out or other power loss. Operability engineers work in the fields of engine and compressor modeling, control and test to ensure the engine meets its ignition, starting, acceleration, deceleration and over-speed requirements under the most extreme operating conditions.

Operability is considered one of the ilities and is closely related to reliability, supportability and maintainability.

There are long answers to this
but the short answer has to do with being right.
I don't have to be right - even when I am.
I've done a little book on this
http://odatbooks.com/beingrightpdf.pdf
needs flash click on page corners to turn pages

for what its worth.

Todd

knowing what inoperable is - is a real trick.
For myself some of my buttons are on very weak springs - get pushed very easily and don't pop back up
This is not to say that there are not fingers pushing and sometimes mashing the buttons
In my failed marriage I stayed maybe too long.
in my second - far better marriage - I have so far been able to say what part of this is her and what part is me
and what part is me overacting?

In the first marriage I think each of us were carrying around enough grudges that we took little things and made drama out of them.

I believe that holding grudges is akin to deliberately poisoning oneself with constant small doses of arsenic. Forgiveness is the antidote to the poison of unbridled resentment (grudge holding).

Holding onto grudges is analogous to living in the past with acid bitterness gnawing at your innards!

This actually aggravates me a bit. This is very easy to say, very difficult to do. What if someone broke into your home and stole your stuff? And then you saw them every day, using/wearing your stuff. How would you forgive them and live with the result?

Again, I've read all the rhetoric, it doesn't make it any more real for me. Forgiving someone who's done nothing to earn my forgiveness is giving them a part of you. It's a way of saying, "What you did is okay. It's my burden to put up with it."

I so wish I could think otherwise but I doubt I ever will.

rhetoric it may be - easier said than done definately
but, for me, learning how to let go
has been very freeing.
By allowing something to fester it poisons me.
As for someone stealing and wearing my clothes
I get a chance to say "why did I think that looked good?"
of course my sense of taste in clothes causes others to reach for their sunglasses.

MV,

I can't speak for Slipacre - but I was mainly talking about relationships in which you still do or once loved the person - especially romantic relationships!

Leslie

I looked at your book, it rather contradicts what you post here. Blessing/Curse III in particular, you aren't listening in a way that fosters acceptance.