Different perspectives/theories on eye contact

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Just wondering why eye contact is painful/difficult for many on the spectrum. I find it painful at times. I wonder if it has to do with an aversion to intimacy? Certain people are easier to look at for others. Sometimes when I have to look at someone it feels like I am touching them (even though I am not).

I don't have too much trouble with eye contact anymore, but I did used to. When I was younger, I'd dig deep into my head when talking to someone, and as a result, I wouldn't focus my eyes on anything in particular. I found looking into people's eyes to be distracting and intimidating. I did get the "touching someone" feeling that you described. After much practice, however, eye contact has become second nature for me. If a person is particularly intimidating, I look at things near their eyes, such as their lower forehead or nasal bridge.

I was the same as Squirrelrat. But I think it has more relation with practice rather than age. When I was younger (I think age 22 or something) my family and I went to visit some people. To make the long story short, I don't know how they look like till this moment.
But when I grown up in age, and I had to deal with people it became easier with time. I still don't find it 100% easy, it still need some will power to make it "natural" and to avoid seen as "staring".
Also I find it harder to have eye contact with females than males. But I don't know if that was shyness or as you describing the feeling that I'm touching others or violating them.

In autistic individuals eye contact produces an inappropriate/abnormal fear response that doesn't happen with normal people. I think it works both extremes like with most things autism, there are people who stare too much and I assume they do not get any fear response which is also in combination with missing nonverbal information.

Check this out http://neuro.cjb.net/cgi/content/full/27/15/3994

^ that's interesting.

I've been working on trying to make more eye contact when I think about it; making eye contact feels sort of like the first breath one takes under water using scuba gear, where there's this moment of panic as your body says, 'No, no, you'll drown!' And then your logic overrules it, and the breath is fine, and you move on. I always feel before I make eye contact that the other person and I will be able to see each other's thoughs, or something - something far more intimate than is reasonable in non-family members. Then my logic overrules the fear, I meet their eyes, and nothing happens: no telepathy, no drowning in the other person.

I used to find eye contact overwhelming. There seemed to be too much non-verbal information coming in that I couldn't translate. Now, I tend to look at eyebrows or noses, with a short glance at eyes of familiar, trusted people. Keeping up another train of thought is probably the best way to do eye contact without distress. It may be almost essential to being understood and accepted. People are highly resistant to teleconferencing, and Robert Persig noted that every educator emphasizes the importance of eye contact, although none explain why.

I thik the most fear I have of looking at peoples' eyes is still with people I feel are threatening--that I'll see they think they're better then me, or will reject me--after all these decades I still cringe at that!

But for casual interactions, like salespeople, or cashiers--that perhaps I may not ever see again, OR, may be nice, friendly and accepting, I have no problems and feel pretty equal and open. Then they can prove me right or wrong--but, it's great to not have to feel so shy or isolated with others--and your self-esteem can soar for a while.

Some of it could be play-acting, or some just experiences. But I understand too that it can feel like too much sensory overload when trying to have conversations that count, then I just back off a bit (physically and/or emotionally).

Consciously I feel no reluctance to make eye contact, but for some reason I can't seem to get into the habit of it - I simply forget to bother. So somebody visits me, and I'll typically glance at a point near to them in the room, then I'll think "dammit, I was supposed to look at their eyes and smile." I'm slightly better when in conversation, but again I can easily forget.

But my awareness of my own reluctance to do things might not be all that strong. I've often noticed that if I think I may have an aversion to doing a particular thing, I'll kind of steel myself and do it anyway, as if to prove that I'm not scared of it. So there may be some unconscious aversion going on, for all I know.

I like the "damaged amygdala" theory......it offers an explanation for why I forget to make eye contact - I'm using conscious will and effort to do something that should be running intuitively via the amygdala. I wonder if brains scans of autistic people show anything odd in that region?

Here's an article on the subject.
http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/content/42/2/17.1.full

I am new tonight, and this is so enlightening, reading what all of you are saying. I also force myself to meet someone's eyes in conversation - and the whole time my heart is pounding. I was always confused by this because I am not inherently shy at all. I didn't feel it was shyness. It was an actual fear of the intimacy of eye contact. As if I was too naked. I can't believe other people struggle with this!

It definitely was an issue during my marriage and in love relationships. I'm always the first to look away. The first to hide. I don't get any pleasure at all from eye contact with a lover. Just terror - and I get so instantly intimidated I'm almost angry.

It's that eye contact, facial response loop, that we aspies lack, that cements the social web into place for neurotypicals. We've had a life time of getting negative responses to our performance against that scale - it's no wonder eye contact upsets us.

I had a childhood full of my father yelling "Get that look off your face!" to me.

thank you Aimless for those 2 articles. That was very interesting explanation.
Perterd I had the same experience, but not from my folks. mostly peers, who interpreted my blank facial expression/lack of eye contact as either sadness or boredom with them.

Since I found this forum, I looked at my kid and baby pictures. I never noticed before, but even as a baby/2 year old, I had the same weird blank expression on my face.

I got a job interviewing former brain surgery patients for research in my teens and the trainer taught us to make eye contact with the subjects to encourage the most complete responses to our questions. So I finally learned to make eye contact.