09 Aug 2011, 5:39 pm
I probably just want to vent…
I’ve started reading about AS awhile back; today I picked up Aspergirls by Rudy Simone and started to feel sort of embarrassed and depressed because it just seems to describe me so obviously. I’ve been in therapy for a few years and have had moments in tears where I express to my therapist that I just feel like there’s something not normal about me, and how I wish I had some diagnosis (I was really convinced at the time that a lot of my issues were from something called Geschwind’s Syndrome, which is associated with undiagnosed epilepsy. I now realize is epilepsy is co-morbid with AS). My therapist seems to think that my desire for a diagnosis stems from a desire for community. I figure she thinks labels aren’t helpful, and I am not sure if I agree with her or not.
On the one hand, it’s nice to realize there is a subset of the population who I have a lot in common with. It’s nice to read about other people’s experiences and realize that a lot of people feel the same as I do.
But on the other hand, I don’t know about labels, either. Syndrome? Why should I accept that there’s something wrong with me? Yes, I have a hard time socially, and I’ve realized for a long time that I have limits that other people don’t have (that I get overstimulated and need to take a lot of care of my health, for example). But I’m smart and loyal and good at what I do. Should I ascribe my work ethic to a disease?
And can I really blame my quirks on a disease? I have a tendency to leave people / situations / towns behind easily when I feel I have to emotionally—I read today that that is an AS trait. Seriously? I thought that was just part of who I was and that I was really independent…
Blah blah blah. Like I said, I’m probably just venting. I think the most depressing thing about it is that maybe I have a hard time with my friendships because it’s possible that something is inherently wrong with me and I might always have a hard time keeping people in my life…
But I’m in therapy, and the more I read, the more it seems like my therapist is treating me as if I have AS even though she’s never said so.
Any wisdom on the topic would be appreciated…thanks for reading.
09 Aug 2011, 8:35 pm
Syndrome, disorder, and disability all don't mean disease.
Asperger's Syndrome isn't a disease and isn't an illness. What it is is a set of descriptors for someone who has a particular manner of not fitting in with society. It's a syndrome
a mental disorder
and a disability
2. A disadvantage or handicap, esp. one imposed or recognized by the law
But it is not a disease, as it does not affect our health.
But Callista put it well in another thread
Disability does not mean you are inferior in any way.
Disability does not make you automatically an object of pity.
Disability does not mean you need to be cured.
Disability does not make you incompetent.
Disability does not mean you cannot live on your own, have a job, fall in love, have a family, or be independent. Specific impairments can prevent those things, but disability as a whole is not at all incompatible with them.
Disability does not need to be obvious or extreme. It can be mild and invisible, too.
Disability does not mean you need to feel sorry for yourself. In fact, I recommend you do not.
Disability does not hinder your potential for happiness and satisfaction in life.
Disability does not stop you from pursuing your goals. Prejudice might, but disability will not. Whether you'll reach your goals is uncertain, but it is uncertain for everyone.
Whether you are autistic or not, you are yourself, and that matters most. Having a label describes part of you, part of you which has both advantages and disadvantages. Giving these disadvantages a label don't give them more power. You are not lesser than an NT. You are not bad or wrong or less able. You might be disabled. I am disabled. But disability has a negative connotation when really, its just a descriptor of who I am that allows me to get me to get the help that I need.
I recommend reading more about Aspies if you've not read much. It's helped me look at which traits of me are associated with aspergers and which aren't, and see that no, this isn't negative, its only me.
Mummy_of_Peanut
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12 Aug 2011, 2:47 pm
You're not alone in the way you feel. I read Aspergirls too, to get more info on my daughter (as yet undiagnosed but probable AS). But, I found the book to be a very accurate desciption of me and my life, even down to the bit about 'breaking bridges'. It was at that point that I realised that, although my daughter is such a handful and I was anything but at her age, we really have so much in common.
I've always felt very different, especially when I started going out into the world (work, etc). But, I've never been in therapy or even spoken to a doctor about the way I am. This first time I mentioned it to anyone was when my daughter's speech and language therapist asked about family history, in relation to social problems. I didn't say much about it, not because I'm embarrassed, I just didn't want him to think I was diagnosing myself.
I've not worked since my daughter was born 5 years ago and I'm concerned that I won't find a way back in to the world of work. I always struggled with the simple things, e.g. picking up a phone, asking a manager for more info on a task I'd been asked to do, working whilst I felt others were watching and prioritising. But, I excelled at some things that no-one else could do and was given the task of designing databases, performing advanced statistical analysis, proofreading reports and arranging conferences. However, when I read job adverts, I immediately exclude myself by saying 'I can't do that, because I'm ...'
Like you, it's a bit of an enigma to me. I'm so good at loads of things, things which most other people could never do and so rubbish at simple stuff. I don't suppose I'll seek out a diagnosis, unless it happens due to my daughter's assessment.
Good luck and keep reading.
