Always disappointing my wife

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone,

I haven't really spent the time to read these forums, so please feel free to tell me to go and browse to find answers first. I just wanted to reach out and see if anyone has advice.

I've been in a stable relationship with a wonderful woman for several years, and have been married since last October. She is the opposite of me in some ways - very empathic, thoughtful, and shows her love clearly.

My problem is: Every time there's an occasion to give her a present, like birthday, valentines, etc, I find it incredibly difficult to think what to do. We don't have much spare money, and she's told me she doesn't want flowers, chocolate, jewellery, anything expensive or tickets to any event. I can't buy her clothes because she needs to choose them herself.

I always leave it to the last minute as my organisational skills are of the "bury my head in the sand and hope it goes away" type. I really love her and want her to feel special, but the look on her face when she asks me what I'm planning and I tell her "nothing" is heartbreaking.

This problem probably isn't restricted to men with Aspergers. I just keep making the same mistake (doing nothing, frozen in fear) over and over again.

Help?

This is like paying the bills--every month you need to spend some time thinking of something special to do for your wife.

You might look for special places to go to--both the local paper and the Internet are useful for ideas. Helping out one of her favorite charities in some way--volunteering for something--is likely to be better than nothing.

This is really hard for most Aspies, but you might even ask co-workers for a little help--once you have a general idea of what you want to do. Guys do like to share their expertise.

i can remember having exactly the same feeling once with a former boyfriend.

we had just returned from a holiday on crete and just dropped all our suitcases, i was loading the washing machine and airing the place, etc. dashing about busily when i all of a sudden realized the look on his face: completely heartbroken and devastated. i was shocked and asked him what was up and he said it was the climate that got to him.

he came from the middle east and always enjoyed summer and sun a lot. in winter he used to crawl into his shell and would almost turn into a different person. so the difference between a warm and sunny, breezy greek island and a cold and grey, drizzly landlocked german city within the space of three hours had hit him harder than he suspected.
i thought a while and tried to figure out how to lift his mood.

i then went into the bathroom, filled up the shower tray ( we did not have a tub ), mixed the water with my favourite blue bath salts, and decorated the rim with the shells we had collected from the beach. i added a few candles and put on the tape with our favourite greek songs that we had recorded from the greek radio ( lots of crackling in the background going on, ) in our hotel room and told him go and have a shower. and then i freaked out because i thought i had done everything wrong, because once he opened the bathroom door and saw the whole arrangement, he started to cry, ! !!
i was ok though after he almost broke a few of my ribs whilst hugging me and telling me that this was one of sweetest things anybody ever had done for him ( NTs do get carried away in their assessments sometimes, don't they ? )


you say you are always disappointing your wife. you can only disappoint when expectations are not met.
what are her expectations?

i suspect she has not thought about it herself and the only thing she cares for is that you do not feel hurt or pressured, that is why she says, she does not want this and she has no need for that, but maybe she herself has not thought about an alternative herself or she would like you to surprise her.
it is a lot easier to know how to make a person happy, when we know exactly what to do, i.e. we have data we can work with.

had my boyfriend told me something like "oh, i am just feeling a bit tired." i would have encouraged him to snuggle up on the sofa and made him a cup of hot cocoa. the fact that he told me exactly what was upsetting him enabled me to think how to tackle this particular reason for sadness.

your wife tells you she does NOT want jewelry, chocolates flowers etc., but can you remember an incident when she mentioned something that she WOULD love to do or have that does fit in with your momentary financial situation?
this could be just a picnic in her favourite park or a picnic on a roundtrip on a specifically scenic bus or subway route.
i do not know how your sensory issues are, but funny little vouchers for little pampering sessions like neck or foot massages with a little bottle of fragrant massage oil could make her smile as well.
something a bit crazy and memorable. dig in your memory and revisit all these conversations about quirky little weaknesses and preferences you admitted to each other. they don't have to be recent.

the fact that you are panicking over it shows that you care very much for her happiness, you will come up with something, i have no doubts at all.
can you cook?
my husband can't tell a ladle from a spatula, but on my son's birthday he made the most delicious chicken roast. it was such fun to watch him dashing between youtube's "vahdevah" ( a chirpy indian chef, who makes me laugh my heart out, he's very good, but also very funny ) and the kitchen following the instructions to the dot.
it turned out perfect.
well almost, as i was lumbered with the washing up and the kitchen looked like a battle field, .

try to find a few options and then choose one that suits you best.
also write down what would be needed for every treat and how much time preparations would take.
this makes it more real and your paralyzing anxiety might ease a bit, as you start to shape your "quest".
imagine your wife finding out on the day and visualize a happy smile from her, because you got it right!

all the best!

You could give her books or music she likes (a hardback first edition of her favorite novel is a thoughtful and classy gift.)

You could write her a poem, or a handwritten love letter. You could print out a picture of the two of you together on photo paper and buy a nice frame to put it in.

Dinner and a movie is a classic date--make reservations at a place SHE likes, and buy tickets for a film SHE wants to see.

For her birthday, buy her some flowers and a cake from the grocery store and invite a couple of her favorite people over to share it with you.

For Valentine's or anniversaries, you might try something new in the bedroom--buy the toys or props you might need to explore any fantasy she's ever mentioned to you from a sex shop or online.

Does she have a hobby? Take her to the store that sells supplies for it and tell her to pick out the thing she'd like best.

None of these things are very expensive, but they show you put thought into doing something nice for her. Try Googling "inexpensive date ideas" or something similar if none of these work for you--there are hundreds of lists out there of suggestions for this kind of thing.

I do the same thing to my husband. He'd probably buy you a beer because he knows how you feel.

I recommend learning about the Five Love Languages. This is a simple psychological tool to discover how a person understands and communicates love the most. Based on that, you can decide how to proceed with giving a gift that will reach her.

My "Love Language" is primarily Affirming Words. This means that I like compliments and things that "speak to me". For example, if my husband gets me a camera lens that I wanted... it's not romantic and it's spending more money than I'd like him to BUT that gift says to me, "I believe in you. I like your photography. I want you to continue." and THAT means the world to me.

Some people have a "Love Language" that is about receiving gifts. It doesn't sound like your wife is one of those people. So it would be worth it to explore both of your love languages (aspies have them too) and do it as a couple. If you Google, there's a website with an online quiz and then you can easily buy the book or audiobook if you want to delve further.

Hello Will,

I will give you an example to follow on from the wonderful suggestions that arielhawksquill has written above.

The day before Valentine's (both my fiance and I working on Valentine's itself), we are both just going window-shopping and for a meal and then home again. The whole purpose of it for us is to have a good day whilst spending some quality time together. I have also written him a poem. Whilst I know poetry is not everyone's forte (including mine really), you could use a couple of suggestions from arielhawksquill above.

I know how you feel regarding this Will as I am the aspie in my relationship and not my partner, so it can be a bit difficult for me too.

Sounds like you're trying to complete a task without enough information. It might help if you could definitively find out what her favourite stuff is.......have a snoop around and check out what she uses, or even ask her straight out, if you can do questions. Not "what do you want for [occasion]?" but "is this your favourite [item]? Do you like the ones with the [style of ornamentation]?" Even "what's your favourite colour? might help you build a database. See if you can capture her eye for beauty. You could be more indirect, and ask about the times in her life when she's been really happy - you might be able to get her a card with an image on it that taps into one of those happy images. Of course you might already know her preferences, and then it's just a matter of listing them and learning to apply them to the problem of laying cool stuff on her.

As she's given you a lot of "don'ts," you might be able to argue that she's being too negative and needs to balance things up by telling you what kind of things she does want you to give her. Unless she's got a very low self-image, she'll probably enjoy talking about what she likes.

As you're not rich, I guess the gifts are going to have to be tokens rather than big material things. But there are loads of cheap bits and pieces in the shops. She obviously sees gifts and cards as important to her. She seems to not want the resource-display thrill of expensive stuff, though I suppose it remains to be seen if she'd be delighted or depressed if you should disobey that a little. Does she prefer the personal touch of home-made gifts, or does she feel that it's important that something shiny is bought?

One thing I've noticed with spouses or significant others of Aspies, they don't often get to do things socially with their SO/spouse and some miss that. So if you can find something cheap the two of you can do together socially that would interest her she might really like that. From an NT it's often assumed, though usually valued. But when an Aspie does it it means a little bit extra because it says that even if you may find the social aspect difficult, you want her to have a good time and are willing to do this to make her happy.

Here is the advice, she may not want any of those things, but she wants to reminded you think of her. It is good to actually plan something, even if it is not big. Women need romance. I think the thing is most guys equate romance with = material things. Its not, its more complicated than that. She is expecting something special, a weekend trip maybe?

I mean every woman is different, but the little things help.

Thank you everyone, for all your encouraging suggestions.

Have you tried asking her friends?