My second meltdown was TONIGHT.

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I made another thread a week & a half ago w/a poll asking if I should go to my moms birthday party.

The gist of it was that my oldest sister picked a fight w/me then & told me that she no longer considers me her sister & she thinks my AS diagnosis is BS.

Dh didn't really want to go. My (extended) family is NOT supportive of my AS. They just think I'm a trouble maker (half of them decided that the fight before was MY FAULT!) But when I told him that I had commited to going he told me he would go only if I let it be known that he doesn't eat outside (he did it in the Navy but refuses to do it now), he works in the heat all day long and on the weekends he stays inside. So I called my OTHER sister & explained it to her & talked to my mom.

So, at the party today I had an aspie moment. (With, of all people, my own dang dh). He was talking to my brother & I walked up. The conversation DIED as I got there & dh said "I want to finish talking to your brother" (in that nano second, what flashed through my mind was that married people don't keep secrets from each other) appearantly my face flashed the beginning of WWIII (dh words). So I left. Didn't feel like being with anyone. So went back to my moms room & played with her cat, used the restroom & counted to about 500,000 to keep from murdering SOMEONE.

After I calmed down I came out and sat on the loveseat in the corner. Dh comes up & now HE'S all upset and angry, he was looking for me but couldn't find me. I told him I went pee. He said that the face I made scared him and I said that I have no idea what face I made but what I was thinking was (& I told him) it was like pouring gasoline on a fire He ordered me to "get your s**t" and let's leave NOW ("getting my s**t" means to collect our kids). So, I got my purse & sent my son out to get our daughter. The sister that I had talked to about dh NOT eating outside came up and begged me to stay. I told her that it wasn't my idea to leave, but dh's.
HE TOLD HER THAT I WAS THE ONE THAT WANTED TO LEAVE.

I was so flustered at that, I tossed my keys up over my head & flung my purse back behind the recliner where I always put it and said, "fine, we're staying". I went out & got my food and went back inside to eat. I actually waited for that SOB for about 5 min. before I started to eat...
WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, BUT HE WAS SITTING AT THE PIC NIC TABLE OUTSIDE, EATING.

Then he comes inside to talk. Now, I've already sorted out in my mind what had happened. I sat in the kitchen with my mom & told her the whole story & she said "he is being a bit inconsistant, but he loves you" (WTF )

He started to get mad at me for "putting all of this back on him" and (I'm so proud of myself here) I kept my cool & said, "dh, it never came OFF of you...you said "get your s**t, we're leaving" and then told my sister that it was MY IDEA TO LEAVE. AND you had to have me make arrangements for you to eat inside....you absolutly, positivly WILL NOT EAT OUTSIDE....but you just did" I didn't raise my voice one bit there. I actually had to repeat this about 4 times before he realized that I was in another aspie moment (I was stuck on THE TRUTH OF WHAT HAD HAPPENED) So, he lowered his voice & told me that he just couldn't WAIT until he could teach me to control my AS, my face & my self at these kind of family gatherings. WTF

After I picked my chin up off the floor, I pulled my glasses off of my face and slapped the $#!+ out of my own face (2 or 3 times; about 2 or 3 hits each time). THAT GOT HIS ATTENTION He sheepishly admitted that EVERYTHING I said was true.

Just like the first meltdown, the pain felt like some kind of a physical (NOT sexual) relief.

Now I am totally nuts-o, right?

You sound thrilled to get your husband's attention through self abuse and enjoy a feeling of relief through it.

You have minor children.

Witnessing a parent violently self abuse is terrifying.

Who is parenting your terrified children when you are indulging in this new found behavior which is so gratifying to you?

Sounds like a stressful day.

But i do think that you may need to seek some professional help before this self harm problem gets any worse. You will push your family away.

In the future you should avoid situations like that at all cost. Having your kids see their mother lose her s**t in front of the entire family is not ok. Remember, your parents can die in a fire tomorrow and it wouldn't matter. Your children are the priority now.

Sorry my last post sounded a bit abrupt, ive just been thinking about a disaterous family get to gether involving my aspie parents and sister. I feel that a lack of communication was the cause of our difficulties that day. If my sister had clearly explained exactly what was going to happen that day then there wouldn't have been confusion. People wouldnt have got so upset because plans for the day would have been clear.
It would be a shame to miss out on time with family whom you love due to misunderstandings. It might just take a bit more practice.

This is a random idea, but the way you have written what you thought when your husband asked for more time to speak to your brother without you was clear. I wonder if it could help your communication with him if you write stuff down for him to read. I know it is very hard not to see things in black and white, but there are lots of legitimate reasons why you were not included in that conversation, its probably not a big scary secret.

I wonder if a therapist could teach you techniques for dealing with stress to stop things getting out if control. I get the feeling that you feel you have difficulty getting your family to understand what you are going through, but angry outbursts can make it more difficult for you all to come to comprimises.

I say this as a warning, my mother refuses to learn how to control her outbursts and it made my home life a living hell. I am in difficuly financially, my sister says i should move back iin with my parents, but i can't handle my mothers oubursts. Dont let your kids feel like that about your home. Home should be a safe place.

nope, it was just me & dh alone at that time.

Even if they didn't see it, hearing it would still be incredibly stressful.

Have you ever considered going to counseling together to improve your communication?

I actually STARTED counseling in July. And YES, I will be "working on my communication skills" there.

My goal in posting both of these "meltdown" threads was to get other peoples input on meltdowns.....they are TOTALLY NEW TO ME & I don't want (or plan on having) anymore!

I don't understand why they would be new to you, if you have been married for a time, and surely must have hit similarly stressful situations at other times during your marriage, and indeed your past. Why would you start having meltdowns at this stage, and I have to admit, it sounds as if your husband is going to end up feeling manipulated into responding to you a certain way, simply to prevent you from harming yourself more.

Yes, I think it's strange that you are "starting" to have meltdowns too. Are you sure that you haven't read about meltdowns as a part of Aspergers and feel that you should be having them so that you can prove to your family that you are really having problems. I'm also worried that you seem to be enjoying this, almost bragging about this destructive behaviour.

Sure it'll get their attention, but please don't hurt yourself in the process.

I'm not new to meltdowns and I sometimes get violent.

I usually yell and cry then punch a wall or break something. I understand the pain feeling good, for me it is almost like a transference. My frustration feels so intense in the moment that I NEED to get it out. And once I throw something across the room or punch the wall it feels like my frustration is muted. Now my hand hurts or I have this broken thing to clean so I have distracted myself.

The only other thing that helps is crying and rocking until I feeling like throwing up and like my eyes are going to pop out of my head. Writing also helps, but not in the moment.

I also understand the getting stuck on the truth of what happened. (You said X but did Y.) For me this forms a loop in my logic and nothing computes and I kinda freeze.

THAT was exactly what was driving me bug-nuts! He said "ABC" but then went & did "XYZ". AND then tried to blame it all on me (yeah, at first I was frozen/the "inconsistancy" he was in) but then I went into the most frustrated place I'd ever been before (there's another thread on here about my 1st meltdown).

Thanks for your insigt on the pain....transference made perfect sense to me as I read it.