Conflict with NT teenage daughter

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I am a loving father with a 22 year old ADHD infirm step-son who does not reside with us, a 'NT' 13 year old girl named Heidi, and a 'normal' 10 year old girl with autism. As a aspie myself, I am in almost constant conflict with my 13 year old daughter.

When my daughter Heidi was very young the two of us were very close. I worked a regular evening shift, but I dedicated time to spend with her every day. I would read her books, I helped her learn to read, when she was really little I used to bounce her on my knee and we would watch teletubbies together every day without fail. Now she's 13, with an attitute, and she doesn't have a handicap like myself, my youngest daughter or my older step-son. My wife has a limited education, so she can't bridge the gap between our arguments. (Although she tries and tells me she hates being the constant referee between the two of us).

On Wednesday at work I had an argument with a young man I supervise. I'm a truck dispatcher and a delivery I usually give him every week I assigned to someone else who was sitting idle. He was furious by this action, but I have a managerial responcibility to control costs and insure operational efficency. He told me in angry certain terms he would never do this delivery for me again. I wrote his employer a written letter of apology for the decision, (he works for a sub-contractor), but this wasn't enough. He yelled at me again on Friday, and said he would never listen to my requests again despite my apology.

Yesterday, my daughter Heidi, during an argument did the same thing- refused an apology and distanced herself from me in a way she's never done before. I was furious about this and at one point I even threatened to send her to live with her grandparents because I was so angry. Why did she have to say the exact same thing as the fellow from work the day after?? (She wasn't aware of my work situation)

I love my daughter dearly, but I don't know if I can sucessfully parent a NT teenager with having aspergers. We don't think alike, I had completely different experiences as a teen. I would read a book a week, but I had no friends. She always wants to be out with friends, but she will never read a book. There's a gap now that I can't bridge, that I never anticipated, and I miss my happy little girl from long ago...

The best advice I can think of, is, well, first off DEFINITELY try to not threaten her with things like that, these are the things that build up serious, deep seated resent. And second, more importantly, get to know her. You love her dearly, yet don't understand her - is her insight into herself and her life not of great interest to you? Do some little things for her, thoughtful things, in the meantime - things to remind her in little sentimental ways that you love her. And get to know her. Ask her input.

when you are a kid the world revolves around your parents. dad does this for me, dad does that for me and that's why i love him. but your daughter doesn't need you for fun, or social interaction, or anything really. she see's herself as an adult. you might still provide a roof over her head and food on her plate but she doesn't need you to. if you died tomorrow she wouldn't starve to death out in the rain. she is a very new creature, with a new personality just forming. she will never be your little happy girl again. you raised a happy little girl so she could be consumed by this new person. it's not bad news for you though, she will change from loving you as a figure head of parenthood "the dad" to start loving you as a human with a personality.

also she thinks she knows everything, but you kind of have to let her. she will want all the benefits of being an adult without the responsibility, and you kind of have to let her. you have to give adolescents all the benefits of being an adult and just feed in the responsibility slowly from 13 to 17. you need to let her space be her own. like her bedroom, don't tell her to tidy it. maybe you even need to stop cooking for her or something and let her decide when she wants to eat etc. its hard to give you advice without talking to her about how she feels. and no, she probably won't tell you.

Hi Repent. I'm not exactly an expert, but I have a teenage son and daughter and I also teach kids that age. The behaviour you're describing is fairly typical of 13-year-old NT girls. They're full of hormones and their moods can change rapidly. They also want to assert their independence from their parents, look attractive and fit in more with their peer group. Your wife probably understands this better than you can- after all, she's been a 13-year-old girl herself.

What your daughter needs from you is love and consistency. Try to spend family mealtimes together as a family and make sure that you share enjoyable activities together on weekends. Discuss family rules with your daughter- your expectations for things like bedtimes, chores, homework arrangements and manners need to be spelled out. Be prepared to negotiate a little, and then stick to what's been agreed, with clear consequences for poor behaviour- things like losing computer and TV access usually work well. Also reward good behaviour with extra privileges. Teenagers need clear boundaries, otherwise they'll keep testing your limits to find out what they can get away with. Try not to lose your temper when she's unreasonable, as it tends to escalate the conflict. (I know it's not easy- girls that age can be manipulative and infuriating!) Staying calm is much more effective and sets her a good example.

Even with all of this, your daughter will still be difficult sometimes- that's normal. By the time she's 15 or so, her hormones will have settled down a little and your relationship with her should improve, although she'll expect to relate to you on a more adult level. She won't exactly be your "little girl" anymore, but hopefully she'll be on the way to becoming a friendly and responsible young woman.

I hope that helps. Good luck! Jenny

This just seems like treating her like a child to me. I would have wanted to tell you to f**k off if you tried this with me but then I was an AS male. Can you differentiate what makes this method different from how you would treat a 9 year old?

It's all a matter of degree, Knifey. A 13-year-old would have a later bedtime, less supervision, more access to technology (e.g. Facebook), more freedom to go out with friends, plus more chores and responsibility, than a 9-year-old. A 13-year-old is still a child and needs input from parents- parental control needs to be loosened gradually, not all at once as soon as a child becomes a teenager. It also depends on the individual child, as some mature much earlier than others. There's also little point in suddenly trying to impose rules once a child is thirteen if there haven't been any rules followed before that age- that WILL lead to rebellion. The foundations for a good relationship between parents and child are built from birth onwards.

I've seen a LOT of kids pass through their teens, and the ones who are the happiest are those whose parents stay involved in their lives. A lot of recent research also shows that teenage girls particularly need their father's (or father figure's) input in order to develop healthy self-esteem, so Repent has an important role to play in his daughter's life during her teenage years.

Regarding the work situation - why are you apologizing when you are in the right? If someone chooses to be angry that is their problem, not yours. You are not responsible for other people's emotional responses. They are.

Regarding teenagers - they can be a handful for any parent aspie or not. You do not need to bridge the gap, simply be a consistent and caring parent. The gap is supposed to be there in the teenage years. They are growing up and apart from you. It is painful, but it is perfectly normal. It is fine that they have different interests and activities. It is fine to not see eye to eye on everything. What a teenager needs to know is that you are there and trustworthy. Eventually they do come back around. For a few years you will seem old and out of touch to your teenager(s). However a few years later you will seem pretty smart.

If you want people to like you, it is your problem. If you don't care what somebody thinks of you then "their anger is their problem" is a great attitude to have.

The OP clearly acted in the best in interests of the company -"I have a managerial responcibility to control costs and insure operational efficiency". There is no reason to apologize for his actions and the other guy was being aggressive and unreasonable. After the unwarranted apology "He yelled at me again on Friday, and said he would never listen to my requests again despite my apology. " Therefore the apology was neither required, nor was it useful in defusing the situation. If the driver actually does go through with the threat then that is something to be documented and escalated to management. Not doing one's job is never appropriate or looked upon kindly by employers.

Sometimes you cannot win or get people to like you in the short term. I still think that the best action is to stick to convictions and be the best employee and parent one knows how to be. Long term one gets more respect for consistent correct actions even if in the short term things are rocky.

In the case of the disagreement with the daughter there was a statement that probably does deserve an apology - "at one point I even threatened to send her to live with her grandparents because I was so angry." This was said in anger and impacted the teen's sense of security. Even if an apology for these words does not defuse the situation IMHO it is still a good idea to apologize something like this said in anger.

There is a big difference between a logical decision made in the best interests of one's employer done in the normal context of a job, and a threat said in anger in a heated disagreement. There is a time and place for apologies and one needs to be discerning about them. When you apologize when you have done nothing wrong that is being a doormat. Often when you correctly apologize the response is not immediate and it does not smooth things over. But it is much better in the long term to apologize when you are wrong than to stubbornly insist on being right.

Not everyone will agree with me, but I have been around the block a time or two. I am an aspie single mom. My kids are 21 (NT daughter) and 17 (aspie son) and I have been steadily working in a professional career for 20 years.