Being assertive with your therapist

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Hi,
I am currently going to see a counselor once a week at a fixed time since I had worked with someone else and they left. Although I like the new therapist, it doesn't seem that she is relating to my needs. Although this is my second session, it seems like she really isn't relating to me.

For instance, I talked about a supportive service provider who I had recently had a falling out with two years ago. This was over not saying where I was going to be over an accidental misunderstanding even though I called her. I also mentioned that this woman had people search for me and nearly called the police.

However, the counselor mentioned that it sounded like she was worried about me and never bothered to relate to me. Instead, she tried to tell me to look at the more positive things that came out of a situation such as getting a condo.

What should my next step be? What should I say to this counselor if I like feel like she isn't relating?

I have also had difficulty "connecting" with therapists in the past. Little did I know that my mind was wired differently & all.
Now that I know this and am aware that other people DON'T think like I do, it's made therapy much easier.
You need to remember that your therapist IS ON YOUR SIDE. That doesn't mean that they will PATENTLY AGREE with everything you say & do.....anybody that would do that would be a very bad therapist, indeed!
You need to trust your therapist enough to explain how you are TRULY feeling about the patient/therapist relationship. AND you need to make a promise (either to them or just to yourself) NEVER TO LIE to your therapist (if you do, you will only be wasting your money & their time).

I hope it works out for you, good luck.

I had a wonderful therapist before who I very much connected with and she seemed to be very understanding and patient as to why I acted a certain way in a situation. This one seems to be more interested in not relating to me and talking around the situation by looking at the brighter side of things rather than getting to the root of a problem of why I was angry.

I was also really upset when she seemed more interested in the provider's concerns than she was about my mental health. On the other hand, the other woman did a better job relating to both our needs when it came to the situation.

Sounds like you might prefer a more "nondirective" therapist - i.e. one who just listens, empathises, and feeds back that empathy in terms that the client can relate to.

I think a lot of therapists are too quick to snatch the agenda and direct things before they've given the client the chance to say where they want to go with the session. On the other hand I've heard that most people don't really progress with nondirective therapy, they go round and round in circles and never really get to any insights, and that if only the therapist would push them around a bit, they'd do a lot better.

I think it's a good idea to try to be assertive with them, if they are failing to win your confidence. I've wasted a lot of counselling time by just behaving myself and going along with their agenda. Better to bring the problems to their attention and argue your case......if they respond well to that, you've grown....if not, you'll both know why a different therapist is required. I think personality clashes happen a lot, and that it can take a bit of trial-and-error to find the right person to help.

Another thing that I should mention which seemed to bother me is whenever I talk about someone who hurt me. I ask what she thinks about a situation. Her response is, "I don't know them," or "I don't know that person so I cannot make a judgement." This made me frustrated. What should I say to her if she does not see to be helping me?

Maybe work out a list of goals with the therapist of things you want to discuss and achieve in the sessions, then refer to the list to guide things?

She might be doing that with all her clients in order to avoid reinforcing any prejudices. But I've known counsellors to at least suggest interpretations of bits of dialogue I've told them about......e.g. a brief exchange between myself and a partner, most of which I've forgotten, ended with my partner saying "no, you wouldn't have the commitment." The counsellor said that sounded like a put-down. I'd not looked at it that way before, and wondered whether I was being abused without realising it. Nonetheless, I still don't feel sure it was really a put-down......perhaps she was just rather clumsily trying to tell me that she wanted more commitment from me. It might have been a more productive counselling session if the counsellor had asked me what was going on between us in terms of commitment. So maybe it's not really wise for a counsellor to try to interpret anything. Even so, if she's habitually undercutting your anecdotes with a blanket "sorry I can't comment because I don't know these people" then it's going to make you feel like she isn't interested and can't help. I would think that it's nearly always possible to find questions and comments to help clear any blocks.

It's strange that she seems otherwise to be rather a directive counsellor, when she's being so nondirective when you ask for her opinions. It might be worth asking her where she stands on the directive-nondirective thing.

She is in grad student and this is her first counseling practicum and so that might be part of it. The sessions are supervised-via-webcam and so she has a supervisor watching her. I need to know what I should say as long as it isn't hurtful.

I guess you could just make the observation to her that she seems very nondirective, and ask her what her philosophy is over that. But I think it's unusual for people to change their interpersonal style quickly. If she doesn't feel confident making insightful suggestions, maybe she just can't think of any?

I sometimes like to either brainstorm ideas or write on a notecard what the next course of discussion is for the next session. On the other hand, depending on how far your therapy sessions are spaced out (mine are about once-a-month) you could delve into what progress was made on a previous discussion topic from your last session. Otherwise, there's this awkward silence for several minutes at a time.