NTMale dating AS Female - I am depressed! - PLEASE HELP ME!!

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Hi I am called Daniel

I am dating an AS female whom I love very much. I am becomming exasperated and depressed with our inability to connect. I am having problems getting her to communicate with me - unless she wants to give me a fact!

I would appreciate any help any AS females or NT males can give me to help my relationship work better (if she were just to text or call me every now and then to tell me something other than a fact that would be amazing!).....

Please help me!! !

Thanks

Daniel

Just tell her what you said here. Tell her you require regular communication of things you should already be perfectly aware of so that you can feel "connected." Girls I date seem to need that too, which is annoying but it doesn't require a lot of time and I've given up on fighting it.

Thanks Mack, but when I tell her - she rings or texts me the next day, then forgets so no more calls/texts follow!! I want a way to make it a habit for her - for it to get into her long term as opposed to short term memory..

Thanks

Daniel

I'm a female with AS and often have trouble interpreting boundaries. As a result, I sometimes worry I'm bothering people if I call them too much. Even if someone says something to the effect of "Call me if you need to talk, I'm here for you" it's hard for me to interpret if they are sincere, just saying that to be polite, etc. So, often, I err on the side of caution and don't call people much.

I'd make sure you have a certain level of trust in your relationship and that she feels comfortable enough to talk with you regularly. Also, clearly explain how it makes you feel when you don't hear from her and that you want her to call you--preferably not in a nagging tone! It's likely she just doesn't realize how much it bothers you and you aren't on the same page yet.

You're dating an Aspie. You shouldn't try to change people with AS to make them more NT, they will just get depressed. Maybe your efforts to change her really mean that you want an NT gf?

Noooo, you just needto come out with a scheduled plan with her, that's what my gf (NT) does with me, then by logic I came to realize and associate certain situations with communicating. It may sound pathetic for you but for her it will probably be helpful.
It's not about dating an nt instead, AS people also have to adapt otherwise you risk of being alone and convert AS into elitism that seeks for self dicrimination.

I find it really hard to communicate my feelings with anyone, even my husband who I still adore after 13 years. The best way for him to find out how I'm feeling is to ask me directly, he'll usually get an honest response, although sometimes it will be expressed somewhat clumsily. If what you want is for her to initiate the communication, then making it a routine is a good idea; it is part of my routine to always ask my husband how his day was when he gets in from work and then to tell him about mine.

I'm not saying it's impossible to have any spontaneous communication, just that I'm not that good at it, particularly where emotions are concerned, so he probably doesn't get as much as other husbands and has to put in a bit more effort to tease things out of me.

OK - great thanks!

How do you suggest I suggest to her I build this communication into a routine as we live 40 miles apart....?

Many Thanks

Dan

Well we do have such devices as mobile phones and internet which are able to communicate over long distances...

I'm a NT female engaged to an AS guy, and I was going to post the same thing; a routine is definitely the way to go.

We used to live across the country from one another, so we had to depend on things like the phone and skype to stay in touch. He used to forget to call me all the time, I'd worry because I didn't hear from him. Then we decided he'd call me every morning while he got ready for work. For the first month or so it was inconsistent, I'd call him half the time, but eventually it got to be second nature.

The important thing is follow through once you guys have a plan, and patience. And if she forgets to call you, don't make her feel bad or act like it's a big deal, just gently remind her how important getting to talk to her is to you.

Many Thanks for that. Ok so a routine is the way to go.

How do you suggest I get her to call me or text me at a certain time without appearing to be 'nagging' or 'needy'..? She works shifts and nights as a nurse so never follows the same pattern of working every week! Any suggestions welcome. Maybe I could put it in a letter? Any suggestions for what I might say in such a letter or how I ask her face to face?

She said to me yesterday that I can be too 'attentive' ! !! !! I think this means I have been doing little things for her but getting no thanks!! She does do nice things for me, but very rarely!

Jesus this is hard work! I have now reached the point of acceptance after flailing around for months trying to get her to do what I wanted - I have stopped this now and I accept her for who she is and how she is. Regular contact would be all I need to keep me happy....

I thought of stopping ringing/texting her and to wait for her to come to me?

You guys have been so helpful - thank-you for your contributions!!

Daniel

I agree with creating a routine by way of calendars(on a phone), alarms, post it notes, pictures with phone numbers in permanent marker hanging different places. Using points of interests throughout the apartment at stations of preparation.

I'm an AS female married to a NT man. People can be very different, sometimes opposites with AS. I can talk about from my perspective which may not be like her.

I'm wondering if she likes the space. Not to say that she doesn't love being around you, but she may need downtime where she can recooperate from seeing people and can retreat to somewhere quiet. Just a random idea. Maybe she prefers less contact?

She may be very tired after work from constantly translating social situations and any sensitivities she might have such as noise and just want to go home and recover. After work she may not have any energy left for being social. The change of routine may be stressful. If I'm tired I start avoiding people. You would probably have to make it clear that you need a little more contact and presume she is taking most things literally. I listen to what my husband says, and if he is not serious or angry I can misinterpret what he really means. I can also sometimes find it hard to express myself, particularly if he is upset me as I tend to not say anything to spare his feelings and bottle it up until I shout at him.

Does she do email or something online as opposed to using a phone? I hate phones and will avoid phones at all costs.

My husband is a very very patient man! I can be quite horrible when I am stressed. I don't always think to do nice things for others. I have to consciously think about it using experience, and I can be forgetful. It's not that I don't think a lot of them, and I think I am being nice. I can be blunt or come out with random things e.g. instead of gently waking him and saying good morning I'll dive straight into a conversation about something random. I can say blunt things and think they are a compliment, as they are in my head. We've been together over 10 years and got married this May.

Hi...aspie female here... i was married to a male with adhd....i think really he is more aspie... ummm i think really i drove him crazy with what he sees as me being selfish, me misunderstanding his agendas and actions.. me misunderstanding his verbal communication and he misunderstanding me completely... I can only write from experience... but if i am with someone they are my focus... i call them, text them and email... i try and communicate as much as possible and apparently cause a little brain fry for the other person
In my marriage it was a similar scenario to yours... except i was on the receiving end of no calls or texts.... we have seperated now because he couldnt handle living in the same house or sharing his space with my children and myself. He is a great man with a brilliant mind... but we can not communicate or find a balance... he is rigid with routine, and will not change that for anything... not even to make a phone call..... I am not sure what i could suggest to you, as i have run out of suggestions for my own scenario... i think all i do now is make a call and if it answers awesome... if not... i wait till the call is returned... we are all so very different and all have our own needs... i think the basis of it is... sometimes we have to somehow make a compromise.
i am not sure i have helped any but i feel where you are at : ) kitty